I have never been a patient person. I have always been intolerant and short fused. I like order and I like things to go my way. I like to have control. I don’t like to argue- I just want it done my way.

Parenthood negates my desires for control and peace. Toddlers don’t respond to orders or logical persuasion. I have a particularly intense two year old. I am so fed up with other parents telling me “Oh that’s just how two year olds are”, when I try to explain how completely overwhelming and demanding my son is. Because his behavior isn’t normal. I see other two year olds frequently, and although they share similar qualities- my son is much more intense. He has never responded to simple correction. A normal child will respond after being told no twenty times; I have to say it into the hundreds of time before he begins to show a change in behavior.

I am completely exhausted. I spend all day saying “No.” “Get out of the fridge.” “Eat at the table.” And every time I am met by a little smirk of defiance and him running away, as if driving his mother to insanity was all a game.

I have gotten to the point where I feel like I am just mad all of the time. I am either trying to stop him from doing something, or cleaning up my failed attempt.

I feel like I am a total loser as a mom. I see other moms who are sitting with their toddlers, teaching them colors and lovingly communicating. I just want to run away from mine. I spend so much time being negative and “dealing” with stuff I don’t have the energy left to have positive interaction. I love my child more than life- but I’m too worn out to enjoy him.

Every parenting article I read has charming little advice about how to deal with demanding children - but none of it has worked. Most of it just makes me feel like I’m a crummy mother. And, maybe I am. It could be a valid argument.

I’m not happy. Maybe this is postpartum depression, maybe this rise in my anxiety level is all hormonal. Or maybe I am normal and I just really suck at parenting a demanding two year old. Whatever it is, I need drugs or respite care. I find myself just wanting to escape lately. I got in my car and went and parked for an hour the other night, all alone, just to hear the silence and not have to deal with whining and screaming.

I am at my wits end.