I ventured out alone last night. I went to the mall in search of a skirt/shirt combo that I could wear to church. I prefer to wear a dress, (they look better on me) but it is awfully hard to breastfeed a baby discreetly when you are wearing a dress. Nothing short of unzipping the back and sitting naked from the waist up works, but that is usually frowned upon at most religious gatherings, so a skirt and shirt are a must.

All of the spring stuff is out and pretty skirts are everywhere. I went to every women’s clothing store in the mall and found lots of stuff that looks cute on the rack but not on me. I put on some weight when I was pregnant and it doesn’t just fall off. I learned last time that I simply do not lose weight when I nurse, so I have a good year left to be about 20 pounds heavier than I would like. Now, I am pretty lucky. I could look a lot worse. There are plenty of people in this world who are fatter and uglier than I am. But when I’m standing in Macy’s dressing room trying on skirts that make my calves look like thighs and springy little tops that show off the cute little rolls of chub I have around my middle, I don’t care where I fall on the world’s scale of gorgeous to ew. I care only that I didn’t used to look like this. I feel so dumpy. I need to lose twenty pounds or grow two inches. I have to shop in the women’s department now. It’s sad.

Most of the shirts I found were of the skin tight variety. They look normal on the rack then when you put them on they suction to your body. When you have massive nursing boobs that are getting somewhat engorged since your baby is at home having a bottle with dad, the suction shirt isn’t a good look. I found a few other shirts that were almost entirely see through. Of course there are the no sleeve, no tummy, no back shirts too. Don’t forget the ones that you would have to strategically tape to your body to prevent your entire chest from falling out. There are a million totally skank-a-liscious options out there just in case I ever need to enter a best dressed ho contest. I didn’t advertise this much when I was single and I’m certainly not going to do it now that I’m married with two children.

I went through several stores with no luck. I found a darling combo at Casual Corner but I refuse to pay $80 for one simple little outfit if I’m not totally in love with it.   Especially when it says “dry clean only”.

Old Navy was definitely the most fun place to shop at. I walked in and instantly found four skirts that I absolutely loved. I quickly started looking for the matching shirts. You know how most clothing lines manufacture a skirt with a matching shirt idea? Old Navy doesn’t. Most of these skirts had absolutely nothing in the store that matched. One skirt was a darling green and cream toile with little ruffles and eyelets. It totally looked like 1950’s kitchen curtains, and I loved it. But, after much searching and harassing several different salespeople all we could find to match was a very low cut cardigan from last season. We are talking so low cut you would have to wear a shirt under it or you will be arrested for indecent exposure. I found a really cute pink and cream striped skirt too, but there wasn’t anything in the store to match. I think they manufactured these skirts on a dare, just to see if consumers would buy a skirt that matched nothing.

After two hours of shopping I found a pink shirt and skirt at Mervyn’s that looked acceptable, even cute. I was tired, sore and a little cranky. I just have to keep reminding myself that I spent over nine hours shopping for a skirt and shirt combo last Easter and found nothing. I should be grateful for the two hours of self loathing in dressing rooms. It could have been nine. 

I suppose this is why child birth is so incredibly painful.  If you can handle childbirth, you are strong enough to handle post partum clothes shopping.