I have been in the best mood the past two days. I can’t seem to place it. I don’t understand why. I’m not complaining, but really, I’ve been in quite the funk lately, and suddenly I’m filled with Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men. I was thinking about it on the way home from running errands this evening. I tried to find something on which to blame this excessive good mood. My first thought was that I had sushi for lunch. Sushi can brighten my day pretty quickly. Hand me California rolls and I promise you, I will smile. But then I realized that I was actually pretty happy prior to lunch.

I can be a real bear sometimes. I’ve been fairly grouchy and despondent ever since the first waves of pregnancy nausea hit me a year ago. I had a beautiful moment of total joy when Maggie was born, and then the adjustment of having a challenging, attention starved two year old and a preemie during flu season hit. I haven’t been the best mother, and I’ve been pretty down on myself about it, which makes things even worse. I’ve always been a perfectionist, and when I know I can’t do a impressive job on something I tend to give up. You can’t just give up mothering. You have to persevere and figure things out. You just have to. I got so irritable and frustrated that I finally went to the doctor just to see if I might have post partum depression. The doctor said (in doctor lingo) that me being a jerk didn’t qualify me for happy pills. Therapy, perhaps, but no drugs.

So fast forward to the past two days. I have exactly seventy-four cents in my checking account. My house trashed. Jonas is still biting and making huge messes. And I’m happy. Go figure. Last night we played together. Then we read books for two hours. Today we were silly. Jonas threw several huge fits, and it didn’t shake me. In the past two weeks I have figured out that when Jonas is freaking out over something, the most helpful thing I can do for him is to pick him up in a big bear hug and speak softly in his ear. The kid just needs to be held and loved. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so happy, all the extra hugging.

We went to the McDonald’s Playplace today and as I watched Jonas running through the tubes and chatted with my smiling baby the feeling hit me very hard: I am exactly where I want to be.