No Action Here
I’m a married woman. Because of this fact, one would assume that I ‘get some’ on a somewhat regular basis. It’s not true. Having children strangles that part of your relationship.
Chris had four days off this past weekend and not once could we get both children asleep at the same time. One night Jonas went right to bed and Maggie stayed up blowing raspberries and smiling squishy smiles at us; another evening Maggie was sleeping like an angel, but we had to put Jonas to bed a total of sixteen times. At about eleven o’clock I was debating between making the kid a nightcap or slipping a bar of soap into a sock and smacking him over the head with it. It was a good thing he passed out on his own. Five minutes after he fell asleep, our little princess woke up demanding to be fed. By the time the house was quiet again we didn’t have enough energy left to fight over the covers let alone have any fun.
Here is what I don’t get. I have several friends who are on their sixth, seventh and eighth children. That means that when number eight was conceived, there were already seven other little monsters running around. How in the heck did they even find the time to shag each other once, let alone enough times to actually create life? ( I know, I know, it only takes once, but honestly, how often does that happen?) I really want to know. It was nearly impossible to get Maggie here and I only had one kid to get to sleep at that point. There were nights when I actually WOKE CHRIS UP at three am. So, eight kids? How? HOW! What do you know that I don’t?
Deep down I have to wonder if the kids have this planned. I can just hear them organizing their sleep patterns.
“Ok, you take the nine to ten thirty shift, then I’ll wake up for the ten thirty to eleven fifteen. At that point I’ll go back to bed, but you will need to be in position sleeping only if Mom’s breast is in your mouth, because you know nothing can happen then. If you keep that going at least until one they’ll be too whipped to even think about makin’ whoopee. And us? We will never have to put up with another sibling.”
I get it, you little monsters. I GET IT and you are both grounded.
Perhaps this is why, at the beginning of our marriage, every time anything of that nature was going on, Chris’ dad would call. It was without fail. We’d start smooching and the dang phone would ring. I’d tell Chris not to answer, but even if he didn’t, we’d listen to the message machine pick up and it was always my father in-law. My guess is that he has been given a sixth sense, a sort of radar that tells him when his son is about to get some action. The phone call, disguised as a friendly ‘hey how are ya’ is actually revenge.
So guess what kiddos? Someday YOUR father is going to have that sense, too. And it will be used against you if your mother doesn’t start getting some! Understand? Prepare for your future and go to bed now!
