No Action Here
I’m a married woman. Because of this fact, one would assume that I ‘get some’ on a somewhat regular basis. It’s not true. Having children strangles that part of your relationship.
Chris had four days off this past weekend and not once could we get both children asleep at the same time. One night Jonas went right to bed and Maggie stayed up blowing raspberries and smiling squishy smiles at us; another evening Maggie was sleeping like an angel, but we had to put Jonas to bed a total of sixteen times. At about eleven o’clock I was debating between making the kid a nightcap or slipping a bar of soap into a sock and smacking him over the head with it. It was a good thing he passed out on his own. Five minutes after he fell asleep, our little princess woke up demanding to be fed. By the time the house was quiet again we didn’t have enough energy left to fight over the covers let alone have any fun.
Here is what I don’t get. I have several friends who are on their sixth, seventh and eighth children. That means that when number eight was conceived, there were already seven other little monsters running around. How in the heck did they even find the time to shag each other once, let alone enough times to actually create life? ( I know, I know, it only takes once, but honestly, how often does that happen?) I really want to know. It was nearly impossible to get Maggie here and I only had one kid to get to sleep at that point. There were nights when I actually WOKE CHRIS UP at three am. So, eight kids? How? HOW! What do you know that I don’t?
Deep down I have to wonder if the kids have this planned. I can just hear them organizing their sleep patterns.
“Ok, you take the nine to ten thirty shift, then I’ll wake up for the ten thirty to eleven fifteen. At that point I’ll go back to bed, but you will need to be in position sleeping only if Mom’s breast is in your mouth, because you know nothing can happen then. If you keep that going at least until one they’ll be too whipped to even think about makin’ whoopee. And us? We will never have to put up with another sibling.”
I get it, you little monsters. I GET IT and you are both grounded.
Perhaps this is why, at the beginning of our marriage, every time anything of that nature was going on, Chris’ dad would call. It was without fail. We’d start smooching and the dang phone would ring. I’d tell Chris not to answer, but even if he didn’t, we’d listen to the message machine pick up and it was always my father in-law. My guess is that he has been given a sixth sense, a sort of radar that tells him when his son is about to get some action. The phone call, disguised as a friendly ‘hey how are ya’ is actually revenge.
So guess what kiddos? Someday YOUR father is going to have that sense, too. And it will be used against you if your mother doesn’t start getting some! Understand? Prepare for your future and go to bed now!
Someday you’ll get some and nine months later have another body to put to bed LOL your blog always makes me smile
Comment by Lawanda — July 6, 2005 @ 2:16 pm
This post was so funny and so true! My kids have always had a strict bedtime from the time they were born, and I guess I am just lucky they learned it early enough that they don’t put up a fight. But trust me, I’ve BEEN THERE! When you are up at 4am BEGGING them to go back to sleep. Oh yeah, it’s fun!
Comment by Kara — July 6, 2005 @ 2:45 pm
I thought it was just us!
I feel for ya! OR, when you do get an hour, you get your stupid period, and just want to lay there stoned on Midol….
Comment by thordora — July 6, 2005 @ 3:44 pm
Forget number 8! How did you manage number 2? LOL. I love reading your blog.
Comment by RagDoll — July 6, 2005 @ 3:45 pm
First of all: Those are beautiful children you got there!
Anyways, we have three and a foruth one on the way. I guess we cheated, because number 2 and 3 are twins, but how we got pregnant a third time, I have no clue!
Now of course with my wife being pregnant, I have to not only overcome the obstacle of all children sleeping at the same time, but also a wife who feels sick most of the time, exhausted and is not in a real “Let’s get it on” mood…
Comment by 6 in PTC — July 6, 2005 @ 3:53 pm
When you find out the secret you need to share. We get it on the run basiclly. *sigh* I feel your pain. I remember when it was spontanious, fun, all of the time, even nooners. Now… I don’t even know how long it’s been.
Comment by Irish Breen — July 6, 2005 @ 4:07 pm
It barely gets better with age because the kids have that “radar” too. They know and they’ll wake up wanting water, or a story, or SOMETHING!!
Comment by tj — July 6, 2005 @ 4:24 pm
lol, thanks for the laugh. I can just see the little monsters plotting….
Comment by MongaKim — July 6, 2005 @ 4:34 pm
Now going into my 7th week of not “gettin’ some” (due to recent baby)…my heart goes out to you and all your lady parts.
;o)
Comment by Raida — July 6, 2005 @ 5:13 pm
You could always buy them a fresh water crab to play with!!!!
:)
Comment by Tony Calabrese — July 6, 2005 @ 8:52 pm
Don’t feel so bad– I’m 22, childless, have a live-in boyfriend and I’m not getting any, either.
Comment by kelly — July 6, 2005 @ 10:20 pm
Don’t leave me out there all by myself
Comment by tj — July 6, 2005 @ 11:06 pm
You could just leave the phone off the hook at the key times. Or turn down the answering machine volume as soon as you’re done listening to a message.
And by-the-way, you better hope your kids never learn to navigate your history and read this post!
Comment by zandperl — July 6, 2005 @ 11:36 pm
Honestly, I don’t have children and I’m still not gettin’ as much as I’d like. After ten plus years of marriage, full time jobs, etc., it just isn’t as easy as used to be.
Not usually a fan of family blogs, but you’re a hoot.
Comment by Pat Kirby — July 7, 2005 @ 12:41 am
First, I love your blog!
Second, just a thought– mornings work great for a little lovin’. My husband is NOT a morning person by any stretch of the imagination, but he has never yet turned me down on a little 5am nookie.
Good luck!
Comment by Maria — July 7, 2005 @ 2:25 am
We have two and let’s just say we can’t wait for all day kindergarten to start for Echo (the youngest).
Comment by Kris — July 7, 2005 @ 3:54 am
This so reminded me of my early sex life. It’s the main reason why I have three kids all aged at least 4 years apart.
Very funny observation.
Comment by Deb — July 7, 2005 @ 4:31 am
LOL…you are not alone. At this moment, both the boys (hubby and son) are sleeping. Son is on my side of the bed! Son has had trouble going to sleep because his sister is at grandmas, and the bedtime routine is a little messed up. It is amazing how little us parents get to have together time when the kids are little.
Comment by dawn — July 7, 2005 @ 5:55 am
It’s the baby thing. Once she’s a little older you lock the doors, and pray they don’t paint your kitchen with flour…
Comment by Sheri — July 7, 2005 @ 4:23 pm
The Rainbow Connection
- go get it
Comment by tj — July 7, 2005 @ 6:15 pm
Well, that’s why we had four children with only two pregnancies. We’re just EFFICIENT like that.
Comment by Laura — July 7, 2005 @ 7:53 pm
My husband and I went away for the night - the first EVER since the children were born - and now we’re expecting number three…
Comment by Ella — July 7, 2005 @ 8:14 pm
Love the post, i have seen and voted for ya on botb. I love this topic,I have 2 kids under the age of 3 and I manage to shag atleast everyother night. Its all about timing, and being creative.
Comment by Beth — July 7, 2005 @ 8:40 pm
My husband wonders the same thing! My parents don’t. When my oldest was three years old, she solemnly informed them, “Mommy and Daddy lock their door!”
As you probably know, we have five children.
Comment by Mom2Five — July 7, 2005 @ 10:44 pm
your blog is beautiful as are your stories. i hope you get some soon.
Comment by diseuse — July 8, 2005 @ 2:48 am
As a lesbian, I don’t often have that problem although many of my friends w/ children do … and I must say, if you’re still that engaged in your amorous life with your hubby … MAKE TIME somehow to share that space. Lock the doors, bar the gate … mommy’s got an itch she’s gotta scratch! Good for you and your marriage.
Comment by Stacey — July 8, 2005 @ 3:09 am
LOL cute post.. I can relate in some ways.
Comment by Jaws — July 8, 2005 @ 10:07 pm
Hi, I just thought I would mention that I mentioned this post in my post today, its sorta what you were talking about, it just stuck with me!
Comment by Beth — July 12, 2005 @ 10:07 pm