Feminism Ought To Empower
I was told recently that in having my primary focus on my children I was doing feminism a disservice. I think that statement was made in ignorance. I don’t believe that the person who said it to me was a true feminist. I believe that she was more focused on defending her own choices, and less interested in what was truly good for the women of our world.
Feminism, at its most simple point, is meant to empower and liberate a woman so that she has the power to chose what she wants to do with her life. To say that a woman ought not to focus on motherhood because she should be in the work place taking advantage of the rights gained for women there doesn’t do much to liberate a woman. It simply forces her to fit a new societal mold. If a woman feels most fulfilled in the workplace, then I believe she ought to be there and have access to the same privileges and rights that any man has access to. But if a woman feels that her life would be more fulfilled as a mother or wife, then I think she should have the right to choose that course. After all, isn’t motherhood one of the most feminine gifts of life? No man can be a mother.
I am saddened that in the pursuit of equal treatment so many women have to feel badly for choosing a more traditional role. Just because a woman is capable of being Rosie the Riveter doesn’t mean she should have to, or want to. Women do each other a huge disservice when they demean one another’s choices and force each other into roles that they do not wish to play.
In my life, I have met more opposition from women against the choice to focus on motherhood than I have from men. I have found most men to be supportive of a woman’s choice stay in the home or enter the workplace, especially in a marital relationship where the decision of who will work inside and outside of the home becomes a family issue. It is disgusting that there are women who choose to tear down other women for their choices to remain in the home or enter the workplace. Feminism has become a corrupt means to further whatever position a woman takes in her own life, and is usually to the detriment of her fellow woman. That is not what feminism ought to be. That is selfishness. There is nothing empowering in selfishness.
True feminists believe that a woman has a right to choose her role, not that women have to ditch all tradional female roles because they are some how wrong. It is about taking a role because it is what you feel is best, not because society says that is what you have to do. I totally agree with you.
Comment by Holly — July 26, 2005 @ 3:11 pm
I used to think that a stay at home mother is a solid role model for children. But then my ex inherited $350,000 and asked for a divorce 45 days later. Which was in itself badenough but then she wanted to continue to be a stay at home mom and want me to continue to pay for this lifestyle.
Being a stay at home mom is a privelege and a sacrifice for both parents. You are lucky to be able to have the opprotunity.
Comment by Croaker — July 26, 2005 @ 3:14 pm
I Love being a mom, and to stay at home is the toughest job there is, maybe not physically but emotionally. You give up so much to be a mom, I use to think going out on the weekends was great. But then I grew out of it. I hate when people try telling women to be more liberated and go out and have fun. My idea of fun is sleeping in, how do they no I want to go out and have time by myself. My time alone is in the tub with candles and a book!
Comment by Beth — July 26, 2005 @ 3:25 pm
Croaker. I am lucky. My husband and I decided that this was the course that was best for our family and we have done our best to support each other in our “roles” ever since. It is a shame not everyone gets to enjoy this supportive of a marriage relationship.
Comment by Lou — July 26, 2005 @ 3:35 pm
Woops! I posted my comment in the duplicate of this post bellow so I’ll say it here as well.
Great post Lou, I completely agree. Too many people today use the word feminist with no idea what real feminism it. It’s about women having the right to make their own choices and determine their own path in life
Comment by Kate — July 26, 2005 @ 4:08 pm
I agree wholeheartedly Lou, a woman should be free to choose whatever she wants.
My wife has been at home for several years with the kids and we’re both quite happy with that arrangement.
It means we have to make some financial sacrifices but it’s worth it in the end.
Comment by OldGuy — July 26, 2005 @ 5:25 pm
horsecrap.
MOST of the women spouting crap like that do not HAVE children. I think of the little ways I’ve changed since having mine….
But I ALWAYS contended that one of the MOST empowering acts as a woman is to decide to have children, and to RAISE them properly. Creating the next generation, molding them-what better way to improve tomorrow?
Sounds like whomever said that to you needs to reverse the rectal cranial inversion they are currently suffering, get her head out of the Dworkin, and borrow some kids for a week. THEN we’ll see who the feminist is.
Comment by thordora — July 26, 2005 @ 6:09 pm
I don’t think feminism means you have to be head to head with men in regards to work/biz. Equality means the right to choose. I think if given the opportunity I would choose to be with my future family.
I applaud you.
Comment by Mona — July 26, 2005 @ 6:29 pm
Lou,
I agree completely. When I had my son I stayed at home, by choice for three years. It was great. When I decided I wanted to return to work, it was unbelievable the resistance I received from other mothers on how irresponsible I was being. Now that I’m a working mom, I understand the difficulties of both sides but I have to admit that sometimes when I get calls at work from my stay-at-home mom sister-in-law to chit chat it grates on my nerves because after all I am “working.” I forget sometimes that stay-at-home moms have it tough too.
Comment by Moody Mom — July 26, 2005 @ 7:01 pm
Feminism has become such an ugly word. I consider myself a feminist. To me it means that I can be whoever and whatever I want to be. There is so much good in women. I don’t know why we are expected to throw that away and become half man, half hooker and try to take over the world. Stay at home moms and corporate CEOs only differ in the way they are compensated for the jobs they do. Neither is perfect and neither is better than the other. It’s time to stop believing in the stereotype. We are all so much better than that!
Comment by jmfausti — July 26, 2005 @ 8:01 pm
As a mom that works from home, I understand your sentiment. But I also like to think that I understand the other side too.
I believe that sentiment started in the 50´s and 60´s when divorce became more commonplace and many women that stayed home for years were suddenly forced to fend for them selves.
Many, after 20 years of being at home, could only hope for minimum wage work, if any.
So yes. Every woman should have the right to choose to stay at home and not get any flake about it…
…Just as long as she remembers the dangers involved…and has a back up plan. (Not just because of divorce, a guy can also die.)
Comment by some woman — July 26, 2005 @ 8:02 pm
Hey. Found you by way of BlogExplosion.
I think feminism has, at it’s core, been misinterpreted by many otherwise well-meaning people. It, to me, means that women should have most of the choices that men do, without any social ostracism. I say most because women bear children and men don’t. I worked outside the home until two months ago. I have 2 urchins–12 and 10. That was our choice (Mine and the Hunter’s) and it worked well for awhile. Then it didn’t. So we reevaluated. And to me, that’s what feminism gives us, the ability to make different decisions based on different circumstances. Raising kids is tough–and important. I know it sounds trite, but do what’s best for you and your family and don’t worry about the rest.
Comment by TW — July 27, 2005 @ 1:26 am
Everything that I would say has already been said by someone else. So I’ll just say, “yeah! That’s right!”
Comment by Storm — July 27, 2005 @ 1:33 am
I have felt the guilt of having to work due to the need of two incomes in our family.
Comment by Irish Breen — July 27, 2005 @ 2:11 am
hear hear!!! my personal belief is that the version of feminism quoted to you is rather vastly simplistic and outdated. bein a feminist is not about beratin women for chosin traditional roles. its about fightin for our right to chose what role best suits who we are as individual persons - regardless of our gender.
wishin you all the best
maddy
Comment by maddy — July 27, 2005 @ 1:42 pm
hey girl I have a DEGREE in women’s studies and ya know what? After many years in corporate America I’m a stay at home mom/housewife and I LOVE it. Without mothers, where would the world be?!?! That so-called friend of yours just sounds embittered. I had a “friend” like that who made fun of me and my lifestyle (i.e. non=paid work, cooking for the family, etc.) and I dumped her and her bitterness.
Comment by brandy101 — July 27, 2005 @ 3:24 pm
if this society truly valued women you leah would be paid to raise your children becasue THEY are the next generation, I think that there is a lot women hating women for their choices, and the whole sociology of “choice” is an interesting and complex one. It makes me most sad that when sentiments like that are put upon people, they blame feminism entirely, and without it…where would we be? Not voting and having no choice. Yay leah. You have a good understanding of things old friend!!!!!
Comment by gWen — July 27, 2005 @ 4:48 pm
Feminism is meaning a woman can choose her path and not be put down for it. I’ve been a feminist since day one and I would never put down a woman who chooses to stay home and raise the kids. That has got to be the hardest job in the world and people shouldn’t degrade it.
Comment by JeanC — July 27, 2005 @ 4:54 pm
I’m not a feminist so much as I want equal rights for everybody. Raising a kid is the hardest job one can do–i say go for it. I also take umbrage at folks who give stay-at-home dads a hard time. Such critics are reacting to a perceived submission. Being the stay-at-home parent is not, in and of itself, a declaration of subservience–in some cases it’s quite the opposite! Whether or not one or the other partner is feeling trampled upon is for the couple to work out and, for that matter, is nobody else’s business. Whoever said that to you is rude, rude, rude. If you can manage on one income, more power to you.
Comment by Lady Penelope — July 27, 2005 @ 4:55 pm
Being a mother is the hardest job in the world. And I have the utmost respect for women who CHOOSE to stay home, who treat it as a career and love it.
At the same time, for a lot of women the idea of having a “choice” about working is laughable. There have always been working mothers–they just weren’t the upper/middle class mothers until quite recently!
What I would like to see is respect on all sides for all choices. No sneering at mothers who work outside the home with the assumption that we neglect our children and that we “really” could stay home if we wanted to. No sneering from outside job holding mothers at SAHMs for their lack of feminism. An understanding that we ALL are full time mothers–it’s just that some of us moonlight during the day!
Comment by Library Lady — July 28, 2005 @ 2:54 am
As promised Lou, I added a n Ode to you as part of my weekly round up
Now go name that duck.
Comment by Croaker — July 29, 2005 @ 1:48 pm
This is an issue close to my heart. I spent about 4 years writing political commentary about feminism, and I couldn’t agree with you more, Lou. And I disagree with “some woman” who blames feminism’s flaws on divorce increases in the 50s and 60s; feminism was about liberating wives from the home, not a complaint that more women were being forced to work from divorce! In fact, there were very trackable economic conditions going on that encouraged women to stop staying home with the kids and start their careers: namely, Keynesian consumption theory. It was considered good for the economy for consumption levels to grow ever higher, so it became a political goal to get women in the workforce and empower them to spend more. Ironic that the same people who encouraged us to work now lament our high levels of consumerism.
Comment by Stephanie — July 29, 2005 @ 10:57 pm
I guess I need to speak more clearly.
No matter what degree or what carreer you had before you had kids, once you´ve stayed home for 3-6-10 years, the only job you could find if the marriage falls apart or your husband dies, is cashier at Targets, waitressing or washing dishes. (Nothing wrong with that, if that´s enough for you.)
These days especially, you could go back to school and update your knowledge base, but even then many personell officers rarely hire the old woman when they can hire the young girl.
It´s good that people stay at home for their kids. I do it too.
But I also thought it out, in form of savings, putting away money every month at a fund. In my case I took it a step further, working from home, and going back to school once my child was old enough for kindergarden.
That gives me higher leverage when negotiating with my husband, more self-confidence and helps me be a better mother.
Just wanted to say what worked for me. I saw way too many marriages dissolve and the women having to live off welfare and food stamps to rely solely on being a SAHM.
Comment by some woman — July 30, 2005 @ 8:25 am
Great web site.
Where there is a child in trouble, there is likely a mother in trouble, if not publicly, then privately. It’s an epidemic long associated with male power and control through force to maintain order. But at what price?
Because children are extensions of the mother, the primary care attendant, empower the mother, and the child is empowered automatically. Few children fear their mothers, and most thrive under her attentive care. Is there a choice otherwise except to maintain a prison planet?
Human empowerment begins and ends with female empowerment. To do so is logical; not to do so is inhumane. It isn’t a privilege; it’s a right, and a responsibility as human beings.
Comment by Pat R. — August 12, 2007 @ 5:58 am