Because Sometimes You just Gotta Share
Today, I am going to tell you about the time I threw up a tampon.
Ok, it wasn’t really a tampon, but it looked just like one.
I was about four months pregnant with Jonas, and since I suffer from severe morning sickness that only fades a bit with lots of drugs and IVs, I was, as usual, puking. Only it wasn’t the usual reversal of the stomach lining that I had grown accustomed too. This time, something got stuck in my esophagus and I couldn’t breathe at all, so I was hunched over the toilet thinking, “Oh my gosh. This is it. This is how I’m gonna die. I’m going to croak suffocating on my own vomit. Dang, that’s gonna look stupid in the obits!” Thinking about the humiliation of dying this way I managed to pull my energy together, pop several blood vessels in my face, and heave what looked exactly like a tampon that one has accidentally dropped into the toilet, into the toilet.
For a long time I just stared at it. These things don’t usually go from down there to the stomach to be barfed into an unsuspecting toilet, and even if they did, I’m pregnant, so it’s been awhile, you know? I look around to see if just maybe a random box of tampons is out and one magically fell into the toilet at the same time that I was vomiting. There’s nothing out.
So I do what any woman who has been barfing ten times a day for three months would do. I stick my hand into the toilet bowl full of puke and retrieve the faux tampon. I cradle it in my hand for a second; it doesn’t feel like a tampon, in fact, it’s kind of squishy, a bit sort of like if you were to leave brie out too long on a warm summer day. I have the sudden jolt of realization that this is, in fact, cheese.
Now, it started out as milk, which I had drunk earlier that day to relieve some heartburn, but apparently, being in my warm body for a few hours it had curdled and started the miraculous transformation from milk to cheese. I squished in around in my hand a bit more and let it squeeze through my fingers. When you think about it, the fact that I can make cheese is actually pretty darn neat.
My grandma used to warn me against drinking milk when I was sick. I don’t remember the exact reason why, something about it curdling inside and making me sicker, but now I know, don’t I? It’s so I don’t asphyxiate on my own vomit and die and end up humiliated on my tombstone forever:
Here Lies Lou;
Choked on Her Own Vomit, Poor Idiot Drank Milk When She Was Sick.
lol, who would have thought. wow.
I wonder what kind of cheese it would be classified as?
Comment by Storm — August 9, 2005 @ 11:54 pm
*wipes the tears* o my. I laughed so hard. :-p
Comment by Lawanda — August 10, 2005 @ 12:40 am
I’m not sure which is funnier - the conclusion to your story or the fact that you have a blog category for Vomit.
Comment by Stephanie — August 10, 2005 @ 3:07 am
If I could stop laughing I would have a better comment, but I can’t because that was hilarious!!!
Comment by tj — August 10, 2005 @ 5:44 am
I’m glad I can’t get pregnant !
Comment by OldGuy — August 10, 2005 @ 4:46 pm
im conflicted i start laughing, then i think of you squishing toilet cheese and get a bit green in the face.. but then i laugh again
Comment by Fidget — August 10, 2005 @ 5:22 pm
WOWEE! That is amazing!
Comment by Erin — August 10, 2005 @ 6:35 pm
OH.MY.GOD.
That is hilariously disgusting! I don’t know how you touched it without vomiting again!
Where was this story for TMI?
Comment by soapbox.SUPERSTAR — August 10, 2005 @ 7:55 pm
You know Lou it’s not everyday you see a blog post that starts out with,
“Today, I am going to tell you about the time I threw up a tampon.”
That may be the single greatest blog line of all time!!!
And of course compelled me to read it which is why I will never look at milk the same again. EVER!!!
Comment by Tony Calabrese — August 11, 2005 @ 2:30 am
I take offense to the word “croak” being used in this post. Regardless of the fact it was used in the right context. Because this post is just to disgusting to be associated with the word “croak”. Please try to use a different “Lou”phemism next time.
Comment by Croaker — August 11, 2005 @ 4:30 am
What a great story! I’m so glad you didn’t post this while I was still in my vomiting phase though!
Comment by Ella — August 11, 2005 @ 3:10 pm
I had the same problems with my pregnancies, I was on diclectin. I rememeber barfing up milk, eversince then I can’t drink just a straight cup. EWWW.
Comment by Beth — August 11, 2005 @ 5:49 pm
I’m laughing, but that’s just disgusting…In a sickeningly funny kind of way…
Comment by E — August 11, 2005 @ 11:17 pm
That’s just about the grossest thing I’ve ever heard. I never want to get pregnant.
Comment by Jackie — August 11, 2005 @ 11:18 pm
HAR. That was v funny and well told too.
Comment by Janine — August 12, 2005 @ 6:47 pm
That is so nasty.. but you know what I can relate. Happened to me when prego with Killian and had the urge to have oreos and milk… still can’t do it. YUCK.
Comment by Irish Breen — August 15, 2005 @ 1:33 am
I don’t even know what to say other than … YOU STUCK YOUR HAND IN THE TOILET TO RETRIEVE A PIECE OF VOMIT THAT LOOKED LIKE A TAMPON??
Wow, we can officially be friends now.
I seriously cannot top that one!
Comment by heather — August 18, 2005 @ 2:56 am
yuck, omg thats terrible!
Comment by NICOLE MARTEL — February 5, 2008 @ 6:45 pm