Mama Bear Is Having A Rough Day
You ever have one of those days where you are going along all innocently then someone verbally smacks you upside the head with a two by four and it leaves you stunned and slightly disoriented all day? That was today.
I was handling life as best I could. I flooded the kitchen this morning because I put the water on to clean the sink and then absentmindedly walked away (don’t laugh, absentmindedness is supposed to be a sign of intelligence), but I cleaned it up alright. I finally unpacked my bedroom so I now know where all of my clothes are. I even made brownies.
I was invited to attended a make ten cards for ten dollars party that had free babysitting ( how could I refuse?) So I went to that with a friend and was having a very nice time until someone walked in and decided to make some insensitive remarks about my son and his behavior at church. I ignored the initial comment, hoping that maybe if I just turned a deaf ear she would realize how asinine her remarks were, but noooooo, she had to expound upon his less than stellar moments and then call my husband’s disciplinary tactics into question. Nothing she had to say had any bearing on the moment or had any way of possibly benefitting anyone at the table in any manner at all. She seemed to have no clue that what she said was offensive and rude, even though my responses were curt. This same woman once pulled over when she saw me out for a walk with Jonas and had to bring up how horrible he was at church that morning. Why would someone do that? Earlier that day at church I had gotten stressed out to the point of getting hives (because he was having a pretty bad day, and that’s what happens when my stress level hits nuclear levels), and so it was SO UNBELIEVABLY THOUGHTFUL of her to keep rubbing it in. All I can figure, because I just can’t imagine someone deliberately trying to be a heartless poop, is that she thinks it’s amusing or engaging small talk. It’s not. It HURTS. This is my psyche saying, “ow.”
On the way home I mentioned it to my friend and she asked what my response was. In retrospect, my response stunk. Upon the first rude comment I probably should have responded with a sarcastic, “thanks”, or something else that might have clued her in to her rudeness and shut her down, but being me, I had absolutely nothing to respond with until after the fact. I just sat there trying to form cohesive thoughts while my mind said, “what the heck is the matter with you” and then breathed a sigh of relief when the onslaught was over.
I think I was simply trying to get over the shock of the rudeness without being equally rude or making things worse and so I tend to just have to sit there and stuff whatever I’m really feeling until the other person shuts up.
It kills me that people feel the need to make comments like this. Jonas has special needs. I’ve informed the people over his church nursery class. And I’ve seen marked improvements in the past few months. The people who are just meeting him now don’t see the same child as the people who have been working with him for the past year, and they don’t make the same comments. I really think some of these people have things set in their minds about him, and they fail to recognize any growth or development.
This comment came during a pretty tough week. Every time I have been in a large group of people in the past week I have had to fight a panic attack. Only once did I lose control and have to leave the situation and even that didn’t get as bad as it could have. A panic attack is a pretty horrible thing. I get hot and short of breath and my heart races and I get dizzy and feel disorientated. Most days when I feel that panic feeling coming I can tell myself to chill out and take the control back. Most of the time I don’t even deal with them, but something about the past week has set me off, and they have been dog piling. I can’t help but be grateful that this upcoming weekend is a broadcast weekend at church so I can sit in the safety of my scraproom and listen to the wonderful speakers over the internet, far away from people who make hurtful comments and far away from the big crowds that have been making me feel so hemmed in and panicky. Hopefully by next week I’ll feel braver and be able to face church on Sunday. Hopefully I’ll be able to avoid insensitive people.
Oh Lou, I’m so sorry. People can be such jerks sometimes. I know just what you mean about not having a response - your mind is working overtime about why they’re saying what they’re saying and why they don’t understand that it’s hurtful. Deep breaths, and remember that you’re loved by many people - including a family in South Africa!
Comment by Janine — September 29, 2005 @ 7:26 am
Lou
I can’t believe some people actually act like that. At least you bring your son to church and are trying to raise him right!!
Comment by Nicole — September 29, 2005 @ 7:56 am
It sounds like all that lady did was critisize- without offering advice or anything constructive. It must seem to her that you need the obvious pionted out to you- people can be very thick sometimes.
I know for a fact that you are a great mother. Jonas is growing too; I can tell.
Comment by Sanisi — September 29, 2005 @ 8:48 am
thanks guys- you’re really awesome, you know that right?
Comment by Lou — September 29, 2005 @ 2:37 pm
Once at a playgroup, one mother looked at my daughter and said “You’re annoying.” At the time I just redirected my daughter to another activity on the other side of the room, but ever since then I have been so mad at myself for not standing up for her. The audacity that some people have to be rude to mothers and their kids astounds me. I’m sorry you had to go through that!
Comment by Eulallia — September 29, 2005 @ 7:15 pm
Real quick: Next time she dares to say anything about your son’s behavior at any time, take a deep breath, look her right in the eye, and say, “He must be taking lessons from you, if he is this bad.”
Comment by Kimberly — September 30, 2005 @ 12:03 am
It’s just amazing what people will actually say. My husband’s favorite response, when met with a rude comment or question, is to answer with, “Do you realize you just said that out loud? Did you mean to? Because that was actually something that would have been perfectly fine to keep to yourself, but to speak it? Not so much.”
Oh, and just how IS a three-year-old (right?) supposed to behave in church? He’s THREE, for heaven’s sake! If he sat still and listened quietly, you’d have something to worry about!
Comment by Suzi — September 30, 2005 @ 12:39 am
You know what is so sad about this? The church is supposed to be loving and support you through the difficult times. As a person that spent many years in the church I find people would rather tear down than build up. They then wonder why people stop going.
I am sorry that this woman has treated you so poorly. Being a mom is hard enough on a great day. We all second guess our decisions and feel like a terrible parent when our kids act out. Just remember that God did not expect our children to be raised when they were still kids. That is why he gave us 18 years for them to be grownups. It takes a long time and anyone expecting a child to not have his or her moments has rocks in her head.
Hang in there and know you are always going to have the poo-pooers. If she does it again try being bold and saying right in front of the group that what she is saying is making you feel embarrased but you would be glad to talk about it with her in private. Trust me. She will be crawling under the table!
Comment by Barbara — September 30, 2005 @ 12:41 am
some people have just too much negative in their lives and misery loves company…they’re happier if they can bring someone else down too.
If you can’t speak because your brain is whirling…just give her the raised eyebrows ican’tbelievewhatcrapiscomingoutofyourmouth look.
foolish lady.
Comment by jenny — September 30, 2005 @ 1:25 am
As I have noted here before, my daughter also had special needs in her toddler and preschool years (behavioural/social). Thus, I was too scared to even TRY to take her to church. But really, I don’t know ow much a toddler can get out of a service. Now that she is in CCD (religious education classes for Catholic kids) she LOVES it and understands what goes on during mass. She is old enough to read her kid’s misalette (the sort of “structure” of the service).
I also can’t take rude nosybodies. Ugh. Obviously that woman is never listening to the gospels or speakers or anything or she would have never allowed such cr*p to fly out her mouth, directed at your family and your little child-of-God!!!!
Comment by brandy101 — September 30, 2005 @ 2:09 am
Thanks so much you guys! You really all rock, you know that! I especially loved Suzi’s response. I will have that one ready along with Jenny’s “look” for next time someone is so rude
Comment by Lou — September 30, 2005 @ 2:40 am
I’m so sorry you have to put up with that! It always feels more hurtful when they are speaking of your child than if they criticise you, yourself. Last Sunday, I left to change a diaper, and ended up staying in the Mother’s room to nurse my baby. I did NOT want to go back to the chapel. I could actually listen and enjoy in the quiet of that little room. In the chapel, someone else was sitting with my restless children, so I had to return.
Typical three-year-old behaviour in our family: Church leaders told us to pray for rain (to end the drought), so we taught our children to do so. One Sunday, immediately after the sacrament prayer (when all is supposed to be silent), my then-three-year-old son stood on the pew and shouted at the top of his lungs, “They forgot to pray for rain!” I think most of the people around us tried to suppress laughter, but of course, we got a few glares.
I didn’t mean to focus on me, but I wanted you to know you are not alone. The same three-year-old threw a 45 minute tantrum one Sunday, also. I took him to an empty classroom, and I, eight months pregnant, finally broke down and sobbed. Instant silence! I should have given in to tears sooner! Perhaps if this woman had seen you cry, she would think twice next time before speaking.
Comment by Mom2Five — September 30, 2005 @ 4:34 am
P.S. I didn’t realize my comment was so long. Sorry! And I’ve flooded my kitchen before, too!
Comment by Mom2Five — September 30, 2005 @ 4:35 am
Her rude comment-making is unbelievably unacceptable behavior. Far more unacceptable than the NATURAL behavior of a child!!
Comment by Chrysalis — September 30, 2005 @ 1:35 pm
Wow! There have been times when I have been hurt by what unthinking people say, but nothing ever like your experience. You have gotten lots of advice and although it would be nice to lash back but . . . that really is not your style. Plus nothing you dream up in response will probably phase that person. She has had years and layers of hardness bult up and she has a million comebacks. Just remember Jonas was sent to you to be his mother for a reason, just for starters your love and understanding heart. Just think what would happen to his wonderful free spirit if he had HER for a mother. Build your strengths not your comebacks, never stoop to her level. There is never satisfaction in wounding another person know matter how well deserved. Your doing a great job!
P.S.
I sooooo enjoy reading you.
Comment by Soli — September 30, 2005 @ 5:17 pm
wow, that is amazing. I probably would have shot back with”My kids behavior at church? What about yours right now?” actually it probably would have had a few words that mommies shouldnt say with little ears nearby but sometimes my mouth gets the best of me. My 3 yr old has some special needs to and it amazes me how people will just ask me “What’s wrong with her?” with a look of disgust… bastards
Comment by Fidget — September 30, 2005 @ 5:41 pm
This is exactly why I stopped going to church… I can’t control my children and was tired of the glares and backhanded comments.
Comment by Summer — November 17, 2005 @ 2:24 am