Ok, I just read this.

And I am crossing my legs and shivering.

Far be it to me to comment on another family’s size, but holy cow! I couldn’t do that. Just couldn’t. Two are spanking my butt and making me cry like a little girl. Sixteen, aside from resulting in having absolutely no bladder control left whatsoever, would kill me.

You know how when you have a bad day you can usually chalk it up to hormones or the full moon or lack of sleep or finding a spider in your Kraft minute rice or something? And then you move on and it’s over because the hormones have leveled, the moon is in a new phase, you got a nap, and the nice people from Kraft sent you a coupon for a free box of minute rice even bigger than the one you originally purchased. Well, unfortunately, nothing’s moving on. I am certifiably cranky. I am snapping at people, thinking mean thoughts and wishing I could be on vacation somewhere where I had a place to nap and all my troubles were solved. And it’s just not going away. Not. Even. A. Little. Bit.

I don’t know how my husband puts up with me. I keep apologizing, and really truly meaning it because I’m not trying to be a total harpy, it’s just who I am currently. I feel like I’m ready to jump down everyone’s throat. On top of that, the anxiety issues have gotten even worse and small muscles in my neck and shoulder are causing great pain in my ear and down my arm.

I know part of the problem is the money stress, that will get anyone into a bit of a tizzy, and I know part of it is that I could use a break from the munchkins (I swear the minute Maggie is weaned I will drop them both off at my in-laws and disappear), and some of it is definitely related to being homesick for North Dakota. I mean, come on people, what is it with this ‘good weather all the time in California’ crap? I don’t like it! I want autumn! I want crunchy leaves and a blizzard! I want frost on the trees and icicles! I want to see semis jack-knifing down the highway and people in casts because they slipped on their icy driveways! I want perfect strangers to grin at me through their face masks and ask, “cold ‘nuf fer ya?” That would make me happy, damn it!

Two more albums up on eBay, and both going for a steal. . .Check them out here.

Now I’m going to tell you about the smartest thing I did all week. I went garage sale-ing last Saturday which I haven’t done in years, and I should definitely make a habit. We dropped by one place where the lady had a daughter about a year older than Maggie. She was selling her kid clothes for almost nothing! Most stuff was a quarter, and it was good stuff! I grabbed several outfits and five pairs of shoes (including little teeny tiny sketchers!) And then I spied two baby Halloween costumes. Now, Maggie already has a hand me down ladybug costume, but I couldn’t help but wonder how they would do on ebay. I figured, hey, for a quarter, I can’t go wrong. I bought them both and threw them online.

They just closed out a few minutes ago at $26.00 and $7.05. Insane. But very, very fortunate seeing as how the car ate my food budget and I will be feeding a family of four off the ebay proceeds from the month. $33.05 buys a lot of noodles and rice, which are the only things I can afford. If the minis do well I could maybe afford something fun like chicken; wouldn’t that be exciting? I hate being broke.

I keep telling myself, I’m not pregnant and I didn’t get a ticket. We’s O-kay.

Tonight, while I was fastening Maggie into her car seat, Jonas crawled into the front seat and started pushing all of the buttons and tweaking the switches. By the time I got him into his seat the wipers and hazard lights were flashing before my eyes in tandem bursts of brightness and swishing. It took me almost a minute of frantic button pushing before I figured out how to turn it all off.

Right before I drove off I noticed that my brights were still on so I switched them off then began the drive home. Five blocks later, I see flashing lights in my rearview mirror. Thus begins the panic.

Are those for me? ME? Well, there’s no one else here. Maybe he’s on his way somewhere past me. I’ll just pull over. Oh no, it IS me! What did I do? Was I speeding? I don’t think I was speeding. I looked a few blocks ago and I was only at 40, maybe I got faster. . .oh no. I can’t afford a ticket right now! We just spent half the month’s salary on fixing the darn car I can’t handle a ticket right now. Oh my gosh, he’s going to want the registration. . .wait, we paid that - we’re ok there, but where oh where did Chris put it? I better get my licence out. And turn off the radio. Jeez, what is taking him so long?

At that point a very bright light was shined into my wild eyed, panic stricken face. I was shaking, and had I not just emptied my bladder prior to getting in the car I am sure I would have peed my pants just like a cowardly Shi Tzu. I could barely see the strawberry blonde, forty something, friendly looking officer through the beam.

“Did you just leave a parking lot?”

“Yes.” How could he tell? Did I do something wrong all the way back there?

“I see you turned your instrument lights on but not your headlights.”” Great, how much is a driving with no lights on ticket?

“Ohhh. My three year old was fiddling with stuff and I thought I had it all put back right, but I guess I didn’t. I’ve never been pulled over before, what do you need from me?” Oh fabulous, that sounded really intelligent.

“Let me see your licence.” I hand it to him. Oh pleeeease don’t ask for the registration. He looks at the licence and at me again, then at the kids in the back.

“You can calm down. You’re not in trouble.” He gives me a smile. “This happens a lot; I just want you to be safe.”
“Ok.” The violent trembling isn’t stopping.
“Have a nice night.”

Meanwhile I am SCREAMING inside from the sheer panic of it all. I drive home very, very carefully thinking about speed limits and silly things like keeping my hands at ten and two, and being very thankfully he didn’t take my shock, horror and panic at being pulled over as guilty panic, like “I have crack in my glove compartment, please throw me on the ground and frisk me” panic.

So. There it is. A line has been crossed. Seven years of driving and I finally get pulled over. Thankfully, we still have the ticket line to cross, and of course the being asked for the registration line. Hopefully the being thrown to the ground and frisked line will never come.

Maggie is teething. Now, although Maggie is, and always has been, an exceptionally easy baby, I still don’t enjoy the constant whining and moaning that cutting teeth seems to bring about, even if it is on a lesser scale than most other babies. I feel badly that she is uncomfortable, but nothing I’m doing seems to be helping a whole lot. It is only really bad at night when she is tired.. One would think that since she is tired she would just drop off to sleep and put herself out of her misery, but Maggie has not yet learned that sleep is the antidote to tired.

Since no amount of cajoling and rocking and swaying and offering of the boob and sacrificing goats to the moon goddess is helping her to calm the heck down and sleep, I did a mean, thoughtless thing tonight. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for several nights now as I’ve grown more and more weary listening to the wailing while not having my presence make any noticeable difference. After an hour of trying to get her to stop yelling and fall asleep, I put her in her pillowy soft bed, tucked her in with her kitty cat quilt from Gramma, and left her alone to cry it out.

Twelve minutes later there was silence. It is now quiet here, people. QUIET. For the first night in over a week both children were asleep before midnight. Jonas dropped like a fly at eight and Maggie is out too. If I had any energy left I’d jump up and down or go do something fun, but I’m just going to wrap this post up and go to bed myself, to enjoy the extra three hours of sleep this is buying me.

I got three hours of sleep last night due to anxiety and caffeine induced insomnia and a cranky, teething baby. That made today a really great day to find out that the entire brake system in my car needed to be replaced and that it was going to cost more than I currently have in my checking account. Let the stress begin!

However, if you want to put things in perspective really fast, picture this:

After a hard day at the mechanics Chris gets out of the shower, stands in front of the foggy mirror, looks at the counter and sees a positive pregnancy test. He has a moment of inner panic, thinking, no way, and then remembers the conversation earlier where I mentioned that our next car needs to seat at least three car seats, and then, although he didn’t mention it, I’m sure he reflected on the intense moodiness of his wife the past few days. He begins yelling my name over and over with an increasing level of tension in his voice. I’m in bed, trying to snag a nap, when he peeks his head in and says in a small, nervous voice, “Is this test current?”

Of course I burst out laughing because, heck no, I’m not pregnant! That was the test from when I found out Maggie was on her way. Jonas had been climbing in my closet yesterday and pulled it out and I was so busy I just dropped it on the first counter I saw, then promptly forgot it was there.

So, there you go. We are dead broke. But we are not pregnant, so clearly, we’re ok.

It’s a long story. But I’m tired, so I will leave you with a photo or two and go to bed.