A Pregnant Moment
Do you ever have one of those dreams that is so real and so close to the facts of your real life that when you wake up you feel like you should do something to find out if it really true or not? This morning I woke up ready to go take a pregnancy test.
I dreamed that I was pregnant. Six weeks pregnant, to be exact. Although I hadn’t had any tell tale signs, no nausea, no missed period, I just knew I should go pee on a stick to find out. Then when that came out positive I was shocked and angry and hoping that it was a faulty test, so I took another test and once again, two pink lines. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. I was upset. I just knew this pregnancy was going to screw up my life, just as the previous two in real life had, and that it was probably going to stink even more than the first two because I had two little kids running around instead of one. Since I wasn’t able to come to terms with it I didn’t feel ready to tell Chris and so I kept it to myself, bitter and stewing and completely unable to make it right with my psyche, but nevertheless, stuck. Knocked up, with child, bun in the oven, for better or for most assuredly worse. Waking up was an incredible relief.
I have been thinking a lot about having more children. The obvious answer, after witnessing my pregnancies is that I should never hop into the sack again without at least ten forms of birth control and written consent. When I say my pregnancies are bad, you don’t know the half of it. If I go to hell, it will be my regular life, only I will be pregnant. The thing is, I have my matched set, my big brother, my little sister. We are the quintessential All American Family. All I need is a golden retriever named Buddy and I can move into a Pottery Barn catalogue. So there is no need for more.
But what if there is? We all know that what is logical and sound doesn’t always mesh with what the heart wants, and what is ultimately right for a person. Despite the fact that it would mean nine months in hell, there is a good chance that we are not finished.
Looking at my family right now, I have to admit, I have a good thing going. My children adore each other. Chris and I both still want to be married to each other. We all have our issues, but really, we’ve got something good here. Something that not everyone gets to have.
The day before I had my dream I gave away most of Maggie’s newborn clothes. I instructed my friend’s mother to just pass them on when she was finished with them, and she was surprised I didn’t want them back. The thing is, the next child isn’t enough of a reality to hold on to all of the extras, and if it is reality, it isn’t a reality I want for at least a few years. When Maggie was born I thought, “I don’t want to get pregnant for at least a year.” She is ten months old now and I’m still having the same thought. I think that when it is right, you just know. You both know, even if it’s an accident.
For now, I’m just really glad it isn’t.
My youngest (of 3) turned two years old two months ago and I’m still saying I want to wait a year. But the truth is - I think I’m done. Now, if only my uterus would agree!
Comment by Brenda — November 3, 2005 @ 3:40 am
You said it yourself: When it’s right, you’ll know.
Though I have easy pregnancies, it’s still a big decision in our home, too. I’ve heard it said that labor and delivery are the easy part. It’s the next twenty years that can be challenging! Best wishes to you!
Comment by Mom2Five — November 3, 2005 @ 6:28 am
Doesn’t sound as if you’re ready yet. You’ll know when you are.
I also gave away most of our baby things and now I’m kicking myself.
Comment by Janine — November 3, 2005 @ 9:39 am
Oh yes! Last week for several days straight I had a recurring nightmare that I was trying to protect my family from a flesh eating virus only to end up getting it myself. I had to watch as my body was eaten away in what seemed like minutes! I woke up terrified checking every little part… gak.
As for your dream, “for now…” That’s a perfect way to say it.
Comment by tj — November 3, 2005 @ 12:40 pm
Be glad it was just a dream. Right after I gave away (or sold) all (and I mean ALL) my baby stuff I got pregnant again. For real. Five years after my last child. And on the bc shot, too! Life. Go figure. *shrugs* I am very happy with my life though. You kinda learn to deal. Of course my pregnancy werent all from h***, so ….. you know …. it may not be comparable to you.
Comment by Lawanda — November 4, 2005 @ 4:34 am
It’s hard isn’t it!! My pregnancies were awful like that. PICC line, fed intravenously for 6+ months, constantly bleeding, I could go on for days…
Then one day I found out I was pregnant with number 4…or rather, I didn’t find out, I stewed over it for three months, throwing up, losing weight and yet crying myself to sleep every night…
Now my precious Ethan is here and I wouldn’t give him back for anything in the world.
(And oh yeah…I had given away all of our baby stuff too)
Comment by Sheri — November 4, 2005 @ 9:54 pm
Be nice to your poor husband.
Comment by GideonsLogic — November 5, 2005 @ 12:24 am
[waving] haven’t visited in awhile and wanted to say HI!!!! hope you are doing groovy!
Comment by Tenika — November 5, 2005 @ 2:01 am
I’m just transferring over form blogspot…found you…love your latest post…We have three…thought the third one would kill us, still think that sometimes, and he’s 5! Although when we found out he was on the way, we had a 4 and 2 yr. old, we can’t believe how he blesses (even if complicates!) our life…
Comment by allison — November 5, 2005 @ 4:18 am