I’m losing my mind. All this happened in just the past week, and these are only the worst examples.

Example A

We had company coming the other night so I decided to make taco soup. I opened all of the cans of tomatoes, beans, spices and hominy and added the frozen corn, dumped it all in the pot, stirred, and thought, “My goodness, that was easy! We should have this more often!” I walked away and let it simmer. About ten minutes prior to when our company was arriving I asked Chris to taste it.

“What do you think?”
“It’s good- but it could use some hamburger.”
“There’s not meat in taco soup!” Long pause. “Is there?”
“I think so.”
“Nahhhh, can’t be. I’m gonna google taco soup and see.”

Every single hit for the words Taco Soup begins with: “One lb ground beef”. Shoot.

Thank Heaven company was late!

Example B

I was typing at the computer when the doorbell rang. I set Maggie down, and opened the door to find a guy in a suit. Suits are never a good thing in the military. It means someone is in trouble or, if you are especially neurotic, like me, you think it’s the chaplain come to tell you that your husband’s plane landed on him and he’s dead. People in suits at my door always make me nervous. I start talking to him and it turns out he’s doing a routine background check on some guy I lived next door to for two months while I was on bed rest with Maggie. He seems oddly distracted while talking to me, kind of like he can’t really look me in the face. I hear Maggie fussing, and when I turn around to go get her, I glance down and my jiggly bosoms pop into view because I’ve left my shirt unbuttoned from nursing! This guy has been trying to avoid eye contact with my gleaming white nursing ta-tas for the past five minutes.

Example C

Saturday I was so excited to have a lovely full day of activities. I had just received an invitation to a card making party for that morning, and then there was a birthday party for Jonas to attend. I get myself all prettied up, get Maggie looking adorable, then hop in the car to my friend’s house where I see no other cars, not even hers. I ring the doorbell thinking, “How sad, no one else showed up.” After standing in the chilly fog for a few minutes it dawns on me that something is very wrong here. I get back in my car and drive home where I check the invite and realize that it was for a card party in November! The postal service just took a month to deliver it.

Two hours later I realize I’m late for the birthday party so I toss the kids in the car and we drive to the party. Once again, no one is there. I think, “Oh crud! I bet the party is at Chuckie Cheese or some party place and I just didn’t read the invitation well enough.” So, I drive back home, dig through the ant infested garbage to find the invitation, and find out that it is, indeed, at the house I just left. I call my friend:
“What gives, no one’s home!”
She says, “Uh, yeah, the party’s at noon.”
“It is noon!”
“Nooooo, it’s eleven. What time zone are you functioning in?”

Obviously, I’m the time zone specially designed for crazy people.