One of the most startling differences between military life and civilian life is the sudden addition of formality and decorum to a life that was previously unfettered by verbal expressions of respect, such as ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am’. The military is heavily fueled by the South, and so many Southern traditions and ways of life are implemented into military routine. Being from the North, and Chris from the West, neither of us grew up with any inclination to use the terms sir or ma’am. Our parents never encouraged it, it wasn’t used in school, and our friends didn’t throw the terms around. This certainly doesn’t mean we grew up having less respect for our elders. We called most adults by their last names and didn’t talk back or behave rudely more than the average Southern kid.
Growing up outside of the South, one only heard these titles used in frustrating customer service situations, or when two strangers were arguing. They were never used with the intent to show respect; in fact they usually slid out of the speaker’s mouth with the snarky tone and feeling that one would give the phrase ‘F-you.’ Usually, they were reacted to in the same manner. This being thus, when my husband entered the US Air Force, and everyone and their dog started referring to me as ‘Ma’am,’ I frequently had to fight the urge to say, “You hold his arms, I’ll hit him!”
It took a few months of repeatedly getting my hackles up before I was able to let go of the connotation I was used to. Instead of taking offense and wondering, ‘What the heck did I ever do to you?” I managed to respond graciously and with some dignity. These southern boys were just being polite. I’m a ma’am. I can handle that.
Once I got used to the rigamarole of the military, I began making friends with other military spouses. Instantly I could spot who was from the South because when they introduced their children to me they said, “This is Miss Lou.” I could be standing in a room full of married women and there wasn’t a missus to be had. Miss Glayds could be sixty-three years old with seven children and a tattoo of her husband’s name on her left buttock, but she was still referred to as Miss by the kids. Even Jonas’ speech teachers are Miss Carla and Miss Nicole. I understand, once again, this is just a southern courtesy, but it really blows my mind. Why Miss? Why not Mrs.? It just doesn’t make sense. I am the person who watched Gone With The Wind cracking up or being annoyed every time Prissy called Scarlett O’Hara ‘Miss Scarlett’ after she finally got hitched to Rhett.
At any rate, after being around so many parents who are working hard to teach their children to say “yes, sir” and “no, ma’am”, I finally brought it up to Chris and asked him if he felt we ought to be teaching our children their ma’ams and sirs, since it seemed to be the going standard of respect. He responded with a vehement no and looked at me as if I’d lost my mind. He completely agreed that outside of a rank situation, that’s a pretty rude thing to say! We may be against the world, be we are together on that point!
We will, of course, teach our children to address adults in the manner that they have asked to be titled. If they want to be called Miss Carla, our children will be calling them that. I am sure that I will continue to be called Miss Lou, even if I ask that their children address me as, “Your Ladyship.” Why this courtesy doesn’t go both ways, I’ll never understand.
