Courtesies and Conundrums
One of the most startling differences between military life and civilian life is the sudden addition of formality and decorum to a life that was previously unfettered by verbal expressions of respect, such as ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am’. The military is heavily fueled by the South, and so many Southern traditions and ways of life are implemented into military routine. Being from the North, and Chris from the West, neither of us grew up with any inclination to use the terms sir or ma’am. Our parents never encouraged it, it wasn’t used in school, and our friends didn’t throw the terms around. This certainly doesn’t mean we grew up having less respect for our elders. We called most adults by their last names and didn’t talk back or behave rudely more than the average Southern kid.
Growing up outside of the South, one only heard these titles used in frustrating customer service situations, or when two strangers were arguing. They were never used with the intent to show respect; in fact they usually slid out of the speaker’s mouth with the snarky tone and feeling that one would give the phrase ‘F-you.’ Usually, they were reacted to in the same manner. This being thus, when my husband entered the US Air Force, and everyone and their dog started referring to me as ‘Ma’am,’ I frequently had to fight the urge to say, “You hold his arms, I’ll hit him!”
It took a few months of repeatedly getting my hackles up before I was able to let go of the connotation I was used to. Instead of taking offense and wondering, ‘What the heck did I ever do to you?” I managed to respond graciously and with some dignity. These southern boys were just being polite. I’m a ma’am. I can handle that.
Once I got used to the rigamarole of the military, I began making friends with other military spouses. Instantly I could spot who was from the South because when they introduced their children to me they said, “This is Miss Lou.” I could be standing in a room full of married women and there wasn’t a missus to be had. Miss Glayds could be sixty-three years old with seven children and a tattoo of her husband’s name on her left buttock, but she was still referred to as Miss by the kids. Even Jonas’ speech teachers are Miss Carla and Miss Nicole. I understand, once again, this is just a southern courtesy, but it really blows my mind. Why Miss? Why not Mrs.? It just doesn’t make sense. I am the person who watched Gone With The Wind cracking up or being annoyed every time Prissy called Scarlett O’Hara ‘Miss Scarlett’ after she finally got hitched to Rhett.
At any rate, after being around so many parents who are working hard to teach their children to say “yes, sir” and “no, ma’am”, I finally brought it up to Chris and asked him if he felt we ought to be teaching our children their ma’ams and sirs, since it seemed to be the going standard of respect. He responded with a vehement no and looked at me as if I’d lost my mind. He completely agreed that outside of a rank situation, that’s a pretty rude thing to say! We may be against the world, be we are together on that point!
We will, of course, teach our children to address adults in the manner that they have asked to be titled. If they want to be called Miss Carla, our children will be calling them that. I am sure that I will continue to be called Miss Lou, even if I ask that their children address me as, “Your Ladyship.” Why this courtesy doesn’t go both ways, I’ll never understand.
Interesting entry…I am from the South as you know, and I was taught to say Mr, and Mrs, and I have taught my kids the same too…
On another note….I LOVE Gone With the Wind!!!!
Comment by Adrienne — February 27, 2006 @ 10:28 pm
Gone With the Wind! I raised my kids with that movie, we watched it when they were sick or I was sick and could hang out on the couch for that length of time. Watch it there girl!
I think you need to spend some time in the south, then you can appreciate the beauty of its people and traditions. My kids went to school there and HAD TO USE THE mA’ams and sirs, although they dropped it once we moved to Cal. it did build their respect for adults. Once you spend some time in public schools you can see the need for it in todays world. I like it. I love the movie. I don’t know what to say about you. Maybe I should tie you up and make you watch the movie OVER and OVER and OVER.
Comment by Soli — February 28, 2006 @ 1:50 am
I will happily be tied up and watch Gone With The Wind with you! It’s an awesome movie! Prissy and her whiny “Miss Scaaaaalet!” just got to me lol! Will there be chocolate involved? And popcorn?
We have lived in TX, and I hated every second. I hope Chris never gets stationed south again.
I do think more respect is needed, especially in public schools- but sir and ma’am just sound so drill sergeant to me. I think people act and speak respectfully or not, and you can tell.
Comment by Lou — February 28, 2006 @ 2:20 am
Mighty fine blog entry, ma’am.
: wink :
Comment by Kim — February 28, 2006 @ 4:47 am
I address my kids as sir and ma’am, mostly for fun — fun for me, I don’t do it as a joke as far as they hear it… in a way, I hope it rubs off because I think it does tend to reflect, well courtesy like you said. anyway, great post!
Comment by Uisce — February 28, 2006 @ 10:40 am
As a military wife, and mother of four, my kids use the “Miss” title when addressing adults. I don’t think it is a southern thing so much as a new generation thing. If someone called me MRS. I would hang them by their toes, for I am not an old lady nor am I my husbands mother, though she doesn’t seem so old to me. I hate the sir/ma’am thing, because it again has the connotation of an age thing. And, I refuse to make my children use those titles for us because they seem so strict and formal. We ARE NOT formal people but we are still respectful.
Comment by Kristi — February 28, 2006 @ 7:16 pm
So, so interesting
With the majority of my family from the south and lots of visits down there I’ve gotten used to the Miss Katie thing- and I think it’s sweet. I remember one time when I was at Publix trying to decide which flavor of blue bell (mmm) ice cream I wanted and two little kids, probably 3 and 5 stood there patiently waiting. I asked them if they needed help reaching a certain flavor and they were *so* sweet all “thank you ma’am” and “yes ma’am”
Comment by Katie Harris — February 28, 2006 @ 9:03 pm
WAH hahahaha! You hold their arms….
Comment by bon — February 28, 2006 @ 10:42 pm
I think most Southerners refer to women as Miss So-and-So because no one can pronounce Mrs.
Comment by M in Chicago — March 1, 2006 @ 8:36 am
I DIDN’T KNOW !!!!
Born and raised in the South (Alabama) I never knew that everyone doesn’t say Miss and yes ma’am and yes sir.
Comment by Sandeera — March 1, 2006 @ 6:51 pm
We’ll around here we like to hear “Yes Ma’am Mommy Ma’am” with enthusiam.
Comment by Meredith — March 6, 2006 @ 5:40 pm
I grew up in the South (northern Alabama), and I was taught to always say sir and ma’am at home and at school. It was just a way to be respectful to both “adults” and really anyone providing a service to us like our waitress/waiter, sales clerk, ect. I didn’t realize it was a primarily Southern thing until I moved to Minnesota.
As far as the Mrs./Ms./Miss thing we always called our married teachers either Mrs. or Ms. based on the teacher’s perference. Only the unmarried women and the older women were called Miss. I think all women past 70 living where I grew up automatically were called Miss followed by their name. I always thought it was sweet.
I definitely consider myself a liberated, independent woman, but I don’t see saying “yes/no ma’am” or “yes/no sir” as being in conflict with that. It’s just my way of being respectful to people who I talk to who aren’t my close friends or (in some cases) family.
Comment by Ralene — June 26, 2007 @ 8:26 pm