The End Of Breast Feeding, And How Much I Don’t Love My Body These Days
I’m at that lovely point in motherhood once again. It’s the point where breast feeding becomes more of a burden than a joy, and although I feel that weaning would be a good thing, the mother guilt sets in and makes me feel like crud for not whipping out a breast at Maggie’s whim and fancy until she leaves for college. I think that if, perhaps, Maggie’s whim and fancy could align itself next to my whim and fancy we’d be ok. See, I really enjoy nursing her to sleep at night; I don’t enjoy nursing her back to sleep sixteen times during the night when she wakes up whining, crying and slapping me. I enjoy being able to soothe her in overwhelming situations, but I’m not particularly fond of the tugging on, lifting up of, and mad attempts to unbutton my shirt in the middle of church, or at the store, or pretty much any time I try to talk to someone a little bit unfamiliar, like the UPS guy. It’s endearing and embarrassing all at once.
Not to mention that this extended breast feeding gives me a trump card for all of the other mothering areas that I’m not so great at. I can look at the house in a mess or catch my children sneaking cookies for breakfast and cancel out all those negative effects with the single fact that I have lactated for over fifteen months now, people, so where’s my maid and my medal? According to the parenting mags and the Attachment Parenting gurus, I So Totally Rock. They don’t see my short temper or my increasingly expanding rear since I’ve started eating cookies for breakfast just like the kiddos. They only see my boobs and my baby in bed, the baby in bed who is very soon to be the baby in her own bed, sharing a room with her brother who is not happy about it.
Ugh. Anyway, Maggie is adjusting slowly to the no nursing rule. She has even made it through three nights without nursing. She didn’t like them, but she has learned to grab her sippy cup if she was thirsty and to beat me around the face and kick me in the bladder if she just wanted comfort. My reward for all of this is a rapidly expanding chest. By the end of today I should have some very impressive decolletage going on. If it weren’t for the stretch marks I could abandon my good senses and pose for a nudie magazine. I am just hoping that they start deflating soon.
Weaning Jonas wasn’t a pretty picture. He was eleven months old and ready to be done. I told him no once and he was so thrilled with his new cup (or “porta-boob” as I’m sure he thought of it) he never asked again. This did hurt my feelings a bit, after all, nearly a year of nursing and no sadness? No regrets? I weaned him cold turkey and within one day was in a lot of pain from my hugely engorged breasts that had missed six feedings. It was right before Chris left for basic training, so our last few days together were spent packing, me with an ace bandage wrapped around the still growing, deformed cantaloupes where my breasts used to be, and on top of all that, I had a head cold so severe my entire face was raw and chapped. I’m shocked Chris wanted me back after his training.
I’m hoping that the engorgement will be less severe this time. It seems that way already because I did a more gradual weaning. I know that if it gets too painful I can just let Maggie nurse for a bit, but that just confuses her. I’d use my breast pump, but someone borrowed it and never gave it back.
I’m really hoping that at the end of this, when all is said and done, that my body will realize that it can lose some weight. Both times I have nursed I have been totally unable to lose weight. This time, I’ve even gained a little. I feel three months pregnant. I even took a pregnancy test just to check if maybe, just maybe, there was a logical answer to the size of my thighs, but it was negative, so apparently I’m just fat. I think a big part of this problem stems from the fact that when I’m nursing full time, I’m ravenous. Now that I’m only nursing part time, I’m still eating the same amount. I need to develop some self control, put a lock on the fridge and go for a run.
Aren’t you glad you stopped by my blog today? So many lovely images of body-image loathing, and so many wishy-washy feelings. That’s me, a fat, wishy-washy, engorged, guilty almost non-nurser. May there be a light at the end of my tunnel soon!
Good Luck! I got you beat. I nursed for 26 months! It was the only way he would take a nap or go to sleep at night. Since I worked out of my home, I needed him to take those naps. It wasn’t like I was forcing him to nurse……….I am sure he would still be nursing had I not cut him off.
Like you, I had had it! Enough is enough!
Comment by Kim in Camas - ScrapToMyLu — March 25, 2006 @ 6:38 pm
I thought I would just stop and see what Lou’s been up to??? Wow, what a mouthful! Ha ha
Comment by Soli — March 25, 2006 @ 7:19 pm
Two of my boys weaned themselves, both at around seventeen months. I was so sad (and glad) at the same time! My girls were more difficult. They both protested and fought. I started sending Daddy to soothe them in the middle of the night. He couldn’t nurse them, and was eager to wean them, so he helped without too much grumbling. Also, all of mine weaned gradually, so the engorgement was never really an issue. Perfect! If I ever did feel too full, baby was happy to oblige, as a treat while I sat in the rocking chair. My last baby got to the point where he refused to nurse unless I was in the rocking chair, but if I sat down in it without thinking during the day, he suddenly thought he had to nurse!
Every baby and every mom are different. Good Luck doing what is best for you and Maggie!
Comment by Mom2Five — March 25, 2006 @ 10:31 pm
Ummm, WOW, hope it all goes well. Its been so LONG for me, I don’t even remember. I DO However remember being engorged……ugh…
Comment by Adrienne — March 26, 2006 @ 3:38 am
Ummm, WOW, hope it all goes well. Its been so LONG for me, I don’t even remember. I DO However remember being engorged……ugh…
Comment by Adrienne — March 26, 2006 @ 3:39 am
Good luck Leah, dear. I hope everything starts looking up for you soon. You are wonderful!
Comment by mom on a wire — March 26, 2006 @ 4:45 pm
I’m fat too. Wonder what my excuse is. LOL
Comment by Manda — March 27, 2006 @ 8:13 am
Yea, that fat thing gets me. *shakes head* Where does it come from?! (I refuse to believe it is the breakfast of cookies)
I happen to KNOW you are not fat, however! LOL
I am getting weaned from, myself. Raechel is only nursing once or twice a day. She was nursing all day long just a couple months ago, though… I thought she was going to be latched on til she was at least 12! hehe But now we are about finished.
Sorry my posts have been so long lately!! It’s like I cant just give you a witty one-liner, I have to write you a book!
Comment by Lawanda — March 27, 2006 @ 4:24 pm
Hugs…mothering can really put you through the wringer, can’t it?
Comment by Jen — March 28, 2006 @ 10:00 pm
Do you have to go cold turkey? We did the child-led weaning with “don’t offer-don’t refuse” and it wasn’t painful.
I need to get out there and take a jog with you. My butt is way too wide.
Comment by Summer — March 28, 2006 @ 11:48 pm
I missed the mandatory cuddle time. Still do. The day will come when it will be just a memory. Fat is tougher stuff though. Takes some dynamite.
Comment by Jen — March 29, 2006 @ 6:17 am
I say weaning is harder on the mom than it is on the kiddos. They miss it but I think I miss it more but when it’s all over, I’m glad. It’s hard to explain. I think when we’re done having kids and I know I’m really weaning for the last time, I’ll just fall apart.
Comment by kathryn, dym — March 29, 2006 @ 8:05 am
My kid didn’t give me much of a choice. At three months she didn’t want my boob anymore. I might have had flow problems, I dunno. … but you do ROCK!
Comment by tj — March 29, 2006 @ 7:52 pm
Awww, weaning is such a rollercoaster. My son is also 15 months old, I’m still nursing, and he doesn’t seem to want to let up anytime soon. I decided I’m not going to push him to wean because he seems to just need it right now…I’m not sure I’m ready either. However, if I was still sleeping in the same bed with him (I gave that up about 2 months ago) I don’t think I would still be nursing. Nighttimes are ROUGH as your child gets older, esp. if they’re still nursing. You made me LOL with the medal and the maid comment. How true!! LOL
Comment by kristi — March 29, 2006 @ 8:36 pm
Don’t forget that walking around smelling like a rotten garbage can might sound less than pleasant but cabbage in your bra will help you tremendously.
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Comment by suzuki — September 22, 2007 @ 11:04 am