Imperfect, But Improving
My children had the opportunity to visit my in-laws for a few days this past week. They had a wonderful time and Chris and I enjoyed a much needed break. We spent much of the time working on projects around the house and running errands. It can be challenging to be productive with two little ones, and this opportunity to be able to focus on what I was working on was very nice. I thoroughly enjoyed the silence. I never knew how much I loved quiet until I became a mother!
So often I feel very overwhelmed by all the noise and the constant demands. To be plagued with requests for food and toys and activities from sun up to sun down is so incredibly draining. I crave time for me, enough time to rest and also recharge by doing something I enjoy. When I’m spent it is so hard to respond in a positive manner to my children. I am trying to teach myself to constantly ask the question, “why are they doing what they are doing,” rather than just react. They are not bad kids. Usually they are motivated by good or by curiosity or by a sense of fierce independence. Sometimes they are trying to be helpful, but in their own limitations, create more of a mess than I had before.
Too often I spend my time worrying about the mundane tasks of life and I forget that the moment I am in is sweet and fleeting. I forget to love my children up because I’m too busy trying to “deal with them” while I attend to other less important matters. In my haste to accomplish things of little lasting value, and reacting to my exhaustion with irritability instead of taking care of my needs, I really haven’t been the best mother lately. I had an experience last week that brought these things I needed to improve upon into sharp focus.
Maggie had a nasty stomach bug this month. It lasted for almost a week. Jonas tried very hard to be patient with me giving Maggie so much attention, and I tried to be patient with him getting into things. At one point Maggie vomited all over and I was busy cleaning up after her. I started my fourth load of laundry that day and walked back into the living room where I saw Maggie sitting on the couch with one of my breakable bowls. I knew she couldn’t have gotten it herself, and I was about to get angry with Jonas for getting into the cupboards and letting his sister play with my bowl when it hit me to think about this for a second before reacting. Once I assessed the situation from his perspective, I immediately knew what he had done.
When Jonas is sick I always give him a big bowl to hold in case he needs to throw up and can’t make it to the bathroom. He had seen his sister sick and tried to help her, just as I help him. I almost yelled at him for a thoughtful act of caring. When I asked if that was what he had done, he was so proud to have helped, and I was so proud of him, and ashamed of my initial anger. How often I don’t step back before I react. I wonder how many sweet moments I’ve missed while caught up in my own frustration and impatience.
Shortly after my children returned home, I sat on the couch listening to them playing in the next room while I read a short article in a magazine. It expressed many of the same feelings of frustration and exhaustion that I feel on a daily basis from living with two small children underfoot. One line from the article really struck me. It said, “When your children are in your arms, they are no longer under foot.” How true.
Yep - that line is so true. What you wrote really struck a chord with me. I’m forever ‘dealing’ with the children and seldom take time to assess the situation before reacting. Thanks for reminding me to take the time.
Comment by Janine — April 10, 2006 @ 11:57 am
So true and very well written. I find I have an easier time being patient with the little ones, but my big three often get the brunt of my frustration because I feel they know better. I’m trying to enjoy the older kids the same way I do the younger.
Comment by Meredith — April 10, 2006 @ 12:00 pm
What a great post. I only have one child, but I can echo your sentiments just the same. I get frustrated with Jacob and frustrated because I can’t have 15 minutes to myself, but I have to keep reminding myself that these days are short and fleeting and I should enjoy him while he’s young….and becomes a teenager!
Comment by Erin — April 10, 2006 @ 12:43 pm
Great entry Leah!!!!
Comment by Adrienne — April 10, 2006 @ 1:38 pm
Thanks for that post. It hit home, A LOT.
Comment by Kristi — April 10, 2006 @ 4:22 pm
Guilt inducing post alert. I have just spent the day being irritable with my kids for being … KIDS! I’m going to get off the computer right now and go and play.
Comment by Ali — April 10, 2006 @ 6:30 pm
I read that same article, too. The other evening, my son wanted me to play baseball in the back yard with hime. I did, even though it meant dinner would be ready late, pushing bedtime even later, meaning a rough morning getting kids, up for school, etc. So often, I don’t spend the time with my children, when I really should. I’m learning that when I spend time playing with my children, they cause a lot less chaos.
Comment by Mom2Five — April 10, 2006 @ 7:37 pm
Very well said.
Comment by msdramateacherlady — April 10, 2006 @ 7:48 pm
So so true! Kids really only want to connect with us, that’s my mantra when my son is driving me crazy.
Comment by Kim in Camas - ScrapToMyLu — April 10, 2006 @ 10:24 pm
“I never knew how much I loved quiet until I became a mother!”
No truer words have ever been spoken. Hell, I have even admitted to driving with nothing but wind noise and car klunks on occassion. Pre-children– NEVER. Would have had music. At least.
Comment by Bethany — April 10, 2006 @ 11:24 pm
Ahhhhhhh, motherhood is a great learning experience. We think we are teaching them but they are really teaching us! You have learned a great lesson and early enough in your childrens life to take advantage of it. I like the quote very much. When my kids were young I read a book called “Take time to smell the Dandelions” It helped me appreciate their uniqueness, and laugh. Very well said.
Comment by Soli — April 11, 2006 @ 1:51 am
Such a good reminder to take a step back and take in more of the picture… and to cherish every moment! Thank you!
Comment by Lei — April 11, 2006 @ 3:29 am
I really, really needed to read something like this tonight.
With my mister deployed and living with family (which I often think makes things more difficult), I often find my fuse much too short when caring for my children.
So… thank you.
Comment by nikki — April 11, 2006 @ 4:11 am
So true, so true. Now, where are my tissues!
Comment by Lawanda — April 11, 2006 @ 11:03 pm
Your son is one SMART little guy!!!! What a sweet, thoughtful and LOGICAL kid!!!
Comment by brandy101 — April 13, 2006 @ 6:29 am
That was extremely sweet! Brought tears to my eyes and I am at work.
Comment by Heather — April 18, 2006 @ 6:42 pm
Great post. I think for me the thing to remember is that as a Mom we can always find reasons to be guilty, to look back and see we could have done better. Hind site is always 20/20 - I think a Mom wrote that. You’ve broken through by finding the part about pausing and thinking before the reaction. Let go of the “could haves” and enjoy the NOW. They only ask you to play for a little while - and then they constantly ask you to go away… Thanks for sharing.
Comment by Safira — May 4, 2006 @ 1:17 pm