Don’t Be Deluded
You know when you see other families and individuals and it seems like they’ve got it all figured out? And you just know they are better mothers than you are, and always look as fantastic as you see them looking, and you are sure their finances are in perfect order and they are so in control of themselves that they never yell or cry or have really cruddy days where they feel a generalized loathing of the population as a whole? Then you wonder why you don’t have it all together just like these other perfect people, and feel like a loser?
A few weeks ago a friend of mine told me I was a Stepford Wife. Apparently she is living with the delusion that I am much more together, happy and perfect than I actually am. This got me thinking. I sure hope no one out there looks at me and feels bad about themselves. I’m sure you all know the wonderful feeling of relief experienced when you drop by a friends house unexpected and discover that they have Cheerios ground into the carpet and a pile of two day old dishes stacked by the sink. Of course, they are always embarrassed because you witnessed a day where things are just a bit out of control. To these friends, I always say thank you. Thank you for letting me see this, because it reassures me that I am ok, and that, in fact, this is normal.
So, today, I’ve decided to be open about some things I haven’t been sharing lately. Not only am I suffering from the usual malady of a massive mess of laundry and graham crackers sprinkled artfully around my living room, but I’m also dealing with a pretty severe bout of depression and anxiety. I’ve been a little off ever since I had my daughter, but in the past few months I’ve gone from “a tad irritable” to “run for your life!” Not being the kind of person who wants to admit something is wrong, I plodded along until I finally reached the point where I was simply unable to function. My anxiety was so high I had days where I couldn’t go out in public for fear of the noise and the crowds. I had weeks where I sat on the couch for most of the day, absolutely unable to even fathom motivating myself into productivity. Every little problem seemed overwhelmingly huge and tiny irritants made me freak out. I wanted nothing to do with the outside world. I stopped answering the phone. I quit doing anything that would bring me into contact with anyone I knew, and on the days when it was unavoidable, I spent hours panicking about it, and tried to get it over with as quickly as possible. The only thing I did do well was eat everything in sight. I stopped singing, hardly took any pictures, and had no desire to write anything. In short, I was not a happy person, and I was not me. I had the occasional good day, but in reality, most of them were crap.
So why haven’t I mentioned all this? Because, as stupid as it is, I want to appear happy and competent. I’m embarrassed by my body’s failure to deal with the onslaught of hormones brought on by being pregnant or nursing for almost five years straight while dealing with the stress of being a military spouse and the mother of two little kids. The plain truth is that almost anyone in my shoes would have some sort of negative physical response when trying to handle everything I’ve had on my plate. In fact, once I finally admitted that something needed to be done to change this, I discovered that several of the people who I thought were so “together” were, in actuality, having the same struggles. I really have no reason to be embarrassed, I just needed to fix the problem.
Now, after choosing to do something about this, I am telling you all this with the help of some high grade pharmaceuticals, which seem to be beginning to make a difference. I’ve managed to clean the house a few times. I’m reacting to life in a fairly normal manner. I had PMS without turning into a hysterical She-Hulk. I find myself enjoying the things I used to enjoy, and I’m starting to be able to not worry about getting through the day, it’s just happening. I’m even belting out show tunes while I tend my garden, much to my neighbor’s chagrin, I assume. I’m not perfect, by any means. I still have bad days, and my anxiety is still present, but everything is improving, and right now, that’s enough.
HOw wonderful is it that you are being open and honest. Kudos to you and I hope things start looking up. I KNOW this entry was not to make others feel sorry for you, but something that came from your heart! Glad things are looking up! Oh, and I got my package today!!!
Thanks!
Comment by Adrienne — May 12, 2006 @ 11:31 pm
It’s amazing the masks we wear. I am glad you are able to recognize what you are going through and are able to get the help you need. This too shall pass. Hang in there sweety. You’re doing great!
Comment by Kim — May 13, 2006 @ 1:02 am
Some days every minute is a struggle and other days I seem to coast right through. This deployment truly hasn’t helped us much. lol. I’m glad you are doing something to help yourself find more balance. {hugs}
Comment by nikki — May 13, 2006 @ 2:00 am
I’m delurking for the first time to tell you how much I admire you for writing honestly about this! I’ve so enjoyed reading your blog for several months, and have always thought you are so down-to-earth and wise. And I was right! Hang in there.
Comment by Nancy — May 13, 2006 @ 12:07 pm
Thank you.
Comment by anonymous — May 13, 2006 @ 2:07 pm
Wow, lou I am sorry you have been having such a hard time! It sounds like a classic case of post pardom depression. I am so glad you were able to figure out that that wasn’t your normal self and get some help. I am so glad to hear you are singing again. I always loved hearing you sing. not to mention I miss seeing the pictures of you guys as you have your little triumphs. Keep up the good work and know that you will always be a role modle in my eyes.
Comment by Nina — May 13, 2006 @ 3:27 pm
Lou,
Glad things are getting better, hope we’ll be seeing more of you. I’ve missed your wit.
Comment by Great Day — May 13, 2006 @ 5:29 pm
It’s great that things are on the up for you. I say keep singing!
Comment by Sarah — May 13, 2006 @ 6:43 pm
“I stopped singing”
I think this seems like the perfect metaphor for how you were feeling–not only did you LITERALLY stop singing, but you stopped rejoicing, feeling, living, expressing yourself, doing your thing. I noticed your blog absence and have missed reading what you write!
I’m so happy to hear that you are finding your voice again.
Comment by Heidi — May 13, 2006 @ 8:31 pm
I hope you find yourself singing “I’ll get by with a little help from my friends” as this is a lovely outpouring of concern and love and admiration here in the comments.
I’m new to your site, Lou, and I thank you for visiting mine. I plan to drop by from time to time to see how you’re doing.
You have spunk and courage, kiddo, and you’ll get through this! You’ve already taken the most important step: confronting the problem and seeking help.
Go gently and be patient with yourself. Hugs, Jenn’s Mom
Comment by the Mater — May 13, 2006 @ 8:59 pm
I’m glad to hear you’re “singing again” sweetie. It’s not an easy thing to go through, much less to anyone (even yourself) that something is wrong. Glad you did and are getting some help, chemical or otherwise. Just do what you have to to get over this hump.
If ya need to, just write me ok? *big hugs*
Comment by DenimRose — May 14, 2006 @ 2:13 am
Sorry you’ve been having such a rough time. I’m glad you are doing better! Wishing the best to you and your family!
Comment by Mom2Five — May 14, 2006 @ 5:48 am
I’m just glad you are you! It is wise to get help, if you need it, and it is available.
You are a great mom, and a fantastic person, so don’t feel bad. Keep cracking us up with your wit and insight, Lou!
Comment by scott — May 14, 2006 @ 6:34 pm
Bless You!!!!!!
:::sigh of ultimate relief::::
Comment by tj — May 15, 2006 @ 4:58 pm
((((Lou)))))
Three is tough. I’m overwhelmed too.
Comment by Summer — May 15, 2006 @ 5:02 pm
That’s why I haven’t seen you much lately and I have definately noticed the lack of entries. Don’t you know you are a part of my day (reading about your day) You have been missed. It takes a lot of soul searching to come to this conclusion. WHAT GROWTH. There is so much more to you than you realize. I’m glad that you are coming out of the dumps and that you had the strength to talk about it. More power to ya, sista friend! It only gets better from here.
Comment by Soli — May 16, 2006 @ 7:17 pm
Hey sweetie, I am glad you are feeling better. I had wondered about ya, but didnt want to pry… I love how you express my feelings so well.
Comment by Lawanda — May 16, 2006 @ 9:08 pm
lou you are very brave to discuss your depression and anxiety. i could have written the same thing. hang in there!! you’re in my prayers
Comment by heather — May 18, 2006 @ 1:53 am
Hang in there Lou. Been there. Go there myself sometimes. Funny how our perceptions get us. Anyone who is in the trenches can relate.
Comment by Jen — May 21, 2006 @ 6:25 am