I am one of those oddballs who, instead of having a closet stuffed full of multiple pairs of jeans and shoes and a drawer full of bras, has one of each item. It’s been this way for a long time. I find one pair of sandals for the summer, a pair of clogs for the winter (and both shoes are nearly always brown.) I have one pair of jeans that fit me (always boot cut). I have one bra that I dare wear in public, and it’s the same brand, style, color and size I’ve been wearing for five years.

Most women have more shoes than they know what to do with, and a pair of jeans for fat days, skinny days, dressy days, grubby days, and more. Not I. I have one pair, and I wear them until death do us part. I never send jeans or shoes to the thrift store, because by the time I’m done with them even the homeless wouldn’t be interested. Most of this stems from the fact that my funds are continuously low, and there are three other people in the house who’s clothing needs are more of an issue than mine are. The other part could be blamed on the fact that I would rather buy overpriced paper, glue, stamps and ribbon to play with than be fashionably attired. The other part can definitely be attributed to the fact that I am, believe it or not, very boring and predictable, and it’s just plain easier to not have to think about which pair of jeans I’ll be wearing that morning, or which shoes look best. I just put them on and hope they’re clean, or put them on, realize they’re not clean, and wear them anyway because with two little kids, they’ll be dirty in a matter of minutes anyway.

The thing that really keeps me away from the ladies clothing department is the fact that finding something that looks attractive on me is always a draining and humiliating experience. I am stuck in a size somewhere between juniors and womens. I’m too fat for the teenybopper togs and too skinny for the matronly attire in the other section. I also have trouble with the fact that in one department I’m expected to dress like a streetwalker, and in the other I’m offered the attire of a kindergarten teacher. Even when I find something decent looking, I’m confounded by the fact that my boobs too big, my waist is too small, and my hips are eight miles wide. I have that hourglass figure that is supposed to be so desirable, but that is nearly impossible to clothe. All aggravations aside, when I find something that works, I stick with it, and I mourn when it goes out of style.

This weekend the thigh on my jeans blew out in the exact same place my last pair of jeans tore. Aside from getting the obvious message that my thighs aren’t what they used to be, it meant that I had to go shopping.

I sucked it up and went to the usual store in search of the usual pair, only to discover that they have discontinued that style and replaced it with something so low rise a person would have to get a brazilian to pull it off. They also were trying to sell me already ripped jeans. Since I already had ripped jeans at home, I refused the schpiel about how “in” the ripped look is this season. I have photos from when we did the eighties last time, and they are pretty goofy looking. I just can’t bring myself to revisit that era, even in the name of being cool. I left empty handed.

This morning I stopped by the Gap outlet and miraculously found a pair of pants in the right cut, the right wash, and the right level of low-risedness to make me happy. They were even clearanced down to a mere twenty four dollars! The trouble was, they had only one size six left, and it was a long. Now, I do have long legs- for a person who is five foot three. But in the clothing world, that means I get to wear a regular instead of a short, like the rest of my five foot three compadres. I tried on the longs, and they fit perfectly, so long as I don’t mid strapping paint cans to my shoes.

The Gap ladies kept offering to show me their new styles, and I kept declining. I had seen the news styles and I didn’t like them. They were under the impression that it was a matter of wanted a clearanced pair over a full price pair, so I finally had to explain that if someone could find me a pair of jeans that were flattering on me, I would gratefully pay through the nose to have them, and to have the entire shopping experience over for another six months. Finally understanding that I wasn’t cheap, I was picky, the nice people at Gap called several other stores to see if they had my size, but to no avail. I finally bought the long pants and figured if I couldn’t find a shorter pair I’d take them to a tailor and have them shortened.

At home, I spent an hour on the phone before I finally found a store down in Gilroy, CA that had my size. The sales guy on the other end was noticeably amused at my overwhelming gratitude and elation. The pants that fit me will be here in eight to ten days.

Now I’m just trying to decide if I should have the other pair shortened and keep them. Two pairs of jeans could really throw my groove off.