Every time I go to a church activity, I feel as though I am surrounded by people who are much more pulled together than myself. Their outfits are precision planned and executed with flawless grace. Their hair is perfectly coiffed to bring out the best of their features, the jewelry that they remembered to wear compliments their stylish clothing. The shoes are always the right shade and hip style. Meanwhile, even though I’ve changed three times and spent a half an hour attempting to get my hair to all flip in the same direction, there I sit, Dirty Harriet at the ball.

Tonight, there will be no exceptions. It’s a Christmas event so I went for my red sweater, only to find that my red sweater shrunk. I try on my black pants and confirm that my recent weight gain, although slight, is enough to make my rear look like a heli-pad in just about anything. There are circles under my eyes, my hair looks confused, and my children have stolen my lip gloss, so the best I’ll do there is some Blistex. There are rolls where a waist should be; cellulite where there should be none. I suppose I could go put on some jewelry, since I’m actually thinking about it- but do I have anything that matches the brown and white freak show outfit I’ve decided on? Will earrings even be worth it with my hair providing plenty of distraction already? Will they distract from teh not matching, but cute black shoes? I really don’t know.

Would someone please give me a makeover?