Preparing
Preparing for a deployment is a lot like preparing for a long awaited trip to Disneyland. You run around gathering supplies, excited and nervous, do a few extra loads of laundry and get everything in order that will have to happen while you are gone. The thing is, until it really happens, it just doesn’t seem real, and when it happens, the only thing is continues to have in common with Disneyland is the really long wait until he comes back home and the ride of your life together gets back on track. Instead of cotton candy and roller coaster rides that make you puke, you get all of the household chores and taking care of everybody, even when you have the flu because there’s no one else to step up.
Right now we are preparing. Every day it comes closer and starts presenting itself as a reality in fairly stark ways. The desert camo gear and the gas mask lying around the house, the sudden influx of toiletry doubles all serve as constant reminders that your family’s lives and the life your spouse are about to split dramatically. In spite of all this, life continues in it’s usual monotonous patterns. There are still dishes to wash, Sunday school lessons to prepare, jobs to attend to. Even our usual family outing of going out for burritos and browsing the bookstore happens in its usual rhythm. These rituals are benign, safe things that we hide behind and take comfort in, things that distract us from the fact that there is indeed a war going on, one that Chris will soon be much more involved in.
This war is not one that presses hard on the minds of everyday Americans. There is no real sacrifice for the common man; no gas rationing, no victory gardens being planted. Only the occasional displeasure at the news that yet another service man or woman has reached an untimely death at the hands of an enemy or due to our own military’s occasional incompetence. The event is momentarily glowered over, and then dismissed so we can return to our safe routines, where we try not to think of the people for whom this war is a pressing, every day reality, for which there are consequences. Relationships sour with an ocean between loved ones, stress becomes paramount, and people die.
Living on an air force base, I am continually made aware of these consequences. The young mother with four small children in tow at the commissary isn’t shopping with her brood for fun. She’s struggling through the aisles because she doesn’t have another option. Parents come home to be reunited with children who no longer remember them, or who are bitter over the months of neglect. Spouses engage in infidelity and come home to find their homes are no longer their homes. Of course, there are those who make it through almost unscathed, who’s priorities are a little straighter and who cling fast to the bigger picture that takes them out of the present stress and into the joy of the future.
At a recent briefing we were told that most couples fight a lot prior to a deployment. They love each other so much they choose to emotionally distance themselves because it’s easier to say goodbye to someone you’re ticked off at. Chris and I have not fought or bickered. It’s just not worth it to us. Oh there have been occasions we could have snapped at each other, but when you realize that the socks on the bathroom floor that are irritating you today won’t be there very soon, fighting about it starts to look pretty stupid.
The one thing that remains constant is the worry. We have spent so much time worrying about how the children will take this that it hasn’t been until recently that we’ve really started to ponder on how much we will miss each other. Our routines are so intertwined, I am sure it will come as a shock when those tiny things that we depend on are suddenly gone. Little things like another body heating up the bed, or having a lukewarm bath without Chris coming in with a steaming pot of boiled water to compensate for our tiny water heater plague my thoughts, and make me wonder how many other little things will suddenly come to the forefront of my mind once they stop happening regularity.
Our last long separation brought us closer together, and in the long run, was a credit to our marriage. It was something that we survived together, although apart. I’m hoping this one will do the same. You have to have that hope.
Here’s hoping that this separation will be kind to you and your family.
Please thank your hubby for his selfless service to our country. It does not go unappreciated.
Comment by Azul — January 7, 2007 @ 3:46 pm
Thank you, I couldnt have said it any better.
Comment by Mariah — January 7, 2007 @ 7:13 pm
I won’t even pretend that I understand what you are going through. I wish you were closer, I would most definitly help you with the kids.
Hopefully this time will pass quickly.
Thank your husband for us.
Comment by kim in Camas — January 8, 2007 @ 10:29 am
We’ll be thinking of you all. Hope the time goes smoothly and quickly.
Comment by Jen — January 8, 2007 @ 3:37 pm
I’ll be thinking about you and sending positive thoughts.
Thank your husband (and everyone in his unit) for all they do for our country.
Comment by msdramateacherlady — January 8, 2007 @ 7:21 pm
oh Leah, my heart is breaking for you and your DH, and for your children. I can’t imagine what you really must be going through, although I can feel your emotions in your writing. we are here for you, although it’s in cyber space. I wish you were closer than a state away, I’d be there in a minute!!!
Comment by Jessica — January 10, 2007 @ 9:50 am
Good luck to you and your family to get you thru this huge adjusmtent. I hope it goes fast, and safe for all of you.
Your post was beautiful, and a wonderful reminder to all of us to leave the petty things behind, and focus on the good.
Comment by Cassie — January 10, 2007 @ 4:12 pm
I wish I knew what to say! I could share my experiences, but they don’t add up to deployment. I guess when challenges come our way, we take life a day or a week or so at a time, take a deep breath, and count our blessings. From what I’ve read of you, I think you are good at that.
Best wishes from one mother to another!
Comment by Mom2Six — January 11, 2007 @ 7:51 am
You write with such eloquence that anyone could feel your emotions in your writing. You truly have a gift. I cannot know how your feeling, nor would I ever presume to. I cannot even image what you must be going through. You husband is doing a gret service to our country. Thank him for that. I will keep him, you, and your children in my thoughts and prayers. Hopefully your happy family will be reunited, unscathed, rather quickly. May God bless your happy,little family today, tomorrow, and always.
Comment by Cattina — January 11, 2007 @ 4:05 pm
*tear* My brother-in-law is serving in Iraq right now, just got extended for another 6 six months. woohoo. I wish your husband the best and if he see’s Jeremy, tell him to say ‘Hi’. Stay strong!
Comment by Heather — January 11, 2007 @ 11:30 pm
I can’t imagine how hard this must be…tell your hubby thank you for me. And thank you to you and your kids for sharing him with our country!
Comment by Bex — January 12, 2007 @ 10:51 am
I am an Army wife, and I can completely empathize. It is definitely something you don’t truly understand until you have gone through it. I hope things go quickly for you.
On another note, I just have to say how small this world is. I found your blog through a girl named Katie’s blog, who found me though my sister-in-law’s blog. Well, as I was reading your most recent post, I realized you know Amber Winward - she is a good friend of mine from our ward here in GA. How crazy! I can see by your work, that you are just as talented as she is. Have a great day!
Comment by Lisa Brown — January 12, 2007 @ 5:12 pm
Lou,
I feel for you right now. I am not a military wife; however, my step-father was a career Air Force man and my step-brother is also in the Air Force. I’m sure this is a very stressful time for you and your children. I’ll be sending good wishes your way.
Comment by roaringmommy — January 29, 2007 @ 4:10 am
Lou,
I feel for you right now. I am not a military wife; however, my step-father was a career Air Force man and my step-brother is also in the Air Force. I’m sure this is a very stressful time for you and your children. I’ll be sending good wishes your way.
Comment by roaringmommy — January 29, 2007 @ 4:11 am
I just wanted to say THANK YOU for *your* sacrifice and your children’s sacrifice. Thank you for your struggle through the emotional turmoil of having your soul mate away for so long and in harms way at the same time. Thank you for your children who are missing valuable bonding time with their father. I pray their relationship with him will never be harmed because of this, but only stronger.
Thank you for being in “single parent” mode while he is gone and having to re-adjust when he comes back. Thank for facing all of your unknowns with such courage. Thank you for supporting your brave husband and being there for him in anyway he needs you now… and later.
Thank you for your sacrifice of the man you know now and the one that comes home. I pray you both fall in love all over again and it’s stronger and filled with more joy!
Thank you for providing a future for my family. Thank you for so vigilantly protecting my freedoms and the freedoms of my loved ones. Thank you for fighting so hard, so I don’t have to. Thank you… Thank you… Thank you! I know that’s not enough, but I want you to know it comes from my heart and deep within my soul.
Sincerely, deanna
Comment by deanna — March 9, 2007 @ 7:44 pm
Wow, i have been searching online for wks for a perfect help for my worry. My husband is just now joining the air force and we have had marital problems. I have all these fears that he will cheat on me when he is away or that he will find someone else, or that he won’t come home after work because he will be out drinking with the guys. We got married as a Christian couple, and through trials of this world we have lost trust, and he seems to be turning into his old self again with his drinking etc. Your article helped me in the fact that my only hope in this marriage is that if maybe the air force will help our marriage, and i do believe we love each other, and maybe when he is gone to basic, it will help us have a new appreciation for each other. thanks and feel free to email, i would love to keep in contact during this new journey in our marriage..we also have a 2 yr old son
Comment by Sarah — July 6, 2007 @ 12:10 pm
I do hope that you are hangingn in there. I, too, am a spouse of an Air Force man! It is a very unique situation and one that seems, only if you live it, can you truly understand it. My husband got out of active duty 10 months ago, but still INSISTS on staying with the Reserves. It’s in their blood. That’s something you find out when you marry one, right? We have two little boys and I will tell you that they are a joy! I have found that there are defiinitely aspects of “the life” I miss, but deployments, no. I remember those days of kids in tow (usually one an infant that needs to be fed RIGHT NOW!). I find it laughable now when I am at a store (with the boys) that is not near a military base and people seem aggrevated by the site of them. Are children not our future? Anyway, I do have to say though that I never want anyone to feel sorry for me for choosing this life. It has made me a much better person and our family is tighter than anyone else’s we know…we actually ENJOY spending time together because we know how precious that time is!
Comment by elise — July 18, 2007 @ 9:00 am