I made myself do it. I was freaking me out with all the no pictures. So there you go. A cat. Meow.

I appreciate the well wishes and encouragement in the last post. It is what it is though, so I am trudging through. And doing NaBloPoMo this year! So, get ready for lots of Lou this month. Boring, dismal, depressing, oh my heck would she just shut UP already Lou. Keepin’ it real.

So last night I take the kids trick or treating. Jonas does just fine. Maggie, however, flat out refuses to hold my hand which isn’t a big deal until you pair it with the fact that anytime I was more than two feet away she would whirl around wildly screaming “MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY!” Then I would reach out my hand to her (because seriously, I was always close enough that I could have reached out and smacked her upside the head) and she would scream, “NO HAND!” Rinse, lather and repeat that about 200 times and you have the gist of my night.

Oh wait- I got us lost too. Yeah- about three blocks from home I took a wrong turn (not my fault, military housing all looks exactly the same) and we ended up hitting the same street twice ( I knew because it was the same decorations). I literally had to ask for directions to get back to the main road. When I was two blocks from home. This is why directuionally challenged people shouldn’t go out at night alone, and also why all towns should be built on a grid system and there should be no cul-de-sacs and sidewalk shortcuts.

Stay tuned- more coming soon.

Today is Halloween. You would think there would be a photo in this post. And that is what I’m here to talk about today. The fact that there are no pictures. My camera is in perfect working order, sitting next to me as I type, lens cocked in pointless expectation. It is I who am broken.

Every autumn I go a little crazy. I buy everyone cute fall outfits and I drag them around to pumpkin patches and make them pose. Then I gather the spoils from the patch set them up in my own yard and encourage the children to frolic in photogenic ways. Then I cut open the pumpkins and gourds (all the while taking photos), then I scrape out the seeds and bake them (stopping to take pictures of the seeds), then I dress the kids up in their trick or treating outfits far too early in the day so I can get good lighting for costume shots- then I take them off so they don’t get dirty for the actual trick or treating, then we put them back on so I can capture even more photos- action shots this time. Somewhere in here there is a church harvest party where I subject my fellow worshipers to my lens in their face, making them pray to God to please make the crazy camera lady go away, I’m sure.

The point is, since I was seven years old and got my first 110 mm camera, me with a camera has been normal. Me with absolutely no desire whatsoever to take a photo, and in fact an irritation at the mere thought of taking a few shots, and having to go gather candy with the kids tonight equals not normal. I’ve lost my mojo.

Scrapbookers often say they have lost their mojo when they just can’t seem to be creative. I seem to have lost my whole life mojo. Everything seems bland. It isn’t that I hate life, or am weeping in dark corners over holes in my socks. Everything just seems futile.

Now I know that somewhere my mom is reading this saying, “Lou, this is just one of your downs. You are a roller coaster and you’re coming back up.” And I agree with that- but this down has been here for quite awhile now- and even though there have been good moments, and things are getting done, work, cleaning, kids, it is in the what is not getting accomplished that worries me. Where is the fun? The silliness? The joy?

I could just be tired. I have every right to be completely exhausted. This past year has been an exercise in heartache, pain and faith. Chris was deployed, I had three surgeries, I had life altering trauma and drama in my family, I lost a pregnancy and I am now dealing with a chronic illness that isn’t going anywhere. Yes, I got through it all, yes, I’m still breathing, still have faith, still have enormous amounts of gratitude to the things that have carried me through this pathetic part of my life, and I’m still going through the motions of being myself. But mostly, I’m just really, really bone-crushingly tired.

Halloween means that my birthday is in one week. Usually I am happy to see my birthdays; I like getting older. But this year, I have nothing to celebrate. I just want it over.