Nothing.
Today is Halloween. You would think there would be a photo in this post. And that is what I’m here to talk about today. The fact that there are no pictures. My camera is in perfect working order, sitting next to me as I type, lens cocked in pointless expectation. It is I who am broken.
Every autumn I go a little crazy. I buy everyone cute fall outfits and I drag them around to pumpkin patches and make them pose. Then I gather the spoils from the patch set them up in my own yard and encourage the children to frolic in photogenic ways. Then I cut open the pumpkins and gourds (all the while taking photos), then I scrape out the seeds and bake them (stopping to take pictures of the seeds), then I dress the kids up in their trick or treating outfits far too early in the day so I can get good lighting for costume shots- then I take them off so they don’t get dirty for the actual trick or treating, then we put them back on so I can capture even more photos- action shots this time. Somewhere in here there is a church harvest party where I subject my fellow worshipers to my lens in their face, making them pray to God to please make the crazy camera lady go away, I’m sure.
The point is, since I was seven years old and got my first 110 mm camera, me with a camera has been normal. Me with absolutely no desire whatsoever to take a photo, and in fact an irritation at the mere thought of taking a few shots, and having to go gather candy with the kids tonight equals not normal. I’ve lost my mojo.
Scrapbookers often say they have lost their mojo when they just can’t seem to be creative. I seem to have lost my whole life mojo. Everything seems bland. It isn’t that I hate life, or am weeping in dark corners over holes in my socks. Everything just seems futile.
Now I know that somewhere my mom is reading this saying, “Lou, this is just one of your downs. You are a roller coaster and you’re coming back up.” And I agree with that- but this down has been here for quite awhile now- and even though there have been good moments, and things are getting done, work, cleaning, kids, it is in the what is not getting accomplished that worries me. Where is the fun? The silliness? The joy?
I could just be tired. I have every right to be completely exhausted. This past year has been an exercise in heartache, pain and faith. Chris was deployed, I had three surgeries, I had life altering trauma and drama in my family, I lost a pregnancy and I am now dealing with a chronic illness that isn’t going anywhere. Yes, I got through it all, yes, I’m still breathing, still have faith, still have enormous amounts of gratitude to the things that have carried me through this pathetic part of my life, and I’m still going through the motions of being myself. But mostly, I’m just really, really bone-crushingly tired.
Halloween means that my birthday is in one week. Usually I am happy to see my birthdays; I like getting older. But this year, I have nothing to celebrate. I just want it over.
Okay, a confession here, I have been a faithful blog reader of yours almost since the beginning (always a lurker), and of all the blogs I read, yours is my favourite. Why? Because you never try to paint a perfect picture of your life or that of your family, and you are always so heartfelt and truthful in your writing. I’m a mother of 2 young children, a scrapper that often loses her mojo, and sufferer of Migraines and allergies, and I too am sick and tired of being sick and tired all of the time. So I can relate a little. But you must keep the faith that things will get better, because although life will never be perfect, things are bound to start looking up. Be strong! Btw, love your scrapping too, you are so inspiring!
Comment by Roxanne — November 1, 2007 @ 5:50 pm
I also love to read your blog. I am kind of alarmed at the hopeless tone of this entry. My husband suffered from chronic depression 10 years ago and it’s the same as how he sounded then. Have you talked to your Dr. about anti-depressants? They can help so much. My DH wouldn’t have made it without. Please talk to your Dr. about this if it continues, O.K.?
Comment by Marcia — November 1, 2007 @ 6:00 pm
How well I remember the years of weariness when my children were little. I’ve not had surgery, but I had an infection after my last baby that took a year to recover from. I also had a miscarriage. Fear not, YOU WILL GET BETTER! It’s normal to be ‘out of it’ for a few years.
I was.
Now I feel better. My last baby just turned 8. You might fare better than I though.
Comment by cynthiagael — November 1, 2007 @ 8:12 pm
I came across your blog a few days ago, sorry to read that you’re feeling really down, after reading your post I really feel for you. If I could reach out and give you a hug I would! Hang in there girl.
Comment by ruth — November 1, 2007 @ 11:11 pm
Lou, you are the best sister in the world. I feel so bad that you don’t even feel like taking photos. I know that’s a bad sign.
I think you need to think of your birthday as a new start. Everything is over now and you can start fresh. I LOVE YOU!
Comment by Sanisi — November 2, 2007 @ 1:45 am
Lou, I have been reading your blog for a few months now. I love how creative you are and inspireing your work is to me. In the last few months you have changed my style of crafting. I can see it in me and the reaction of those that recieve my gifts. With out your art as inspiration I would still not be reaching my potential.
I was alarmed by this last entry. For many years I suffered from depression and I can remember excatly how you feel. Life just did not have meaning and you did not care about day to day life. At the very least I would suggest going to talk to someone. It can be very liberating to talk to someone that is a thrid party. That way they do not pass judgement. In the end they will determine if you need any anti-depressants. I was on them for a while and they really changed me. I hope that you read all of these comments and take them to heart! Good luck! If you have any questions at all feel free to email me.
Maria
Comment by Maria Mears — November 2, 2007 @ 5:15 am
The whole time I’ve known you, I’ve admired you for your strength and resilience. You’ve taken so many challenges and setbacks in life and faced them with courage and aplomb. So I have every confidence that you’ll make it through, and you’ll be better than ever on the other side. Your birthday is coming up—take some time for YOU. I know it’s hard, with having your family and all your obligations, but make taking care of yourself a priority. You deserve it, and you need it. Give yourself the same love and care you give everyone else, and I think you’ll find yourself coming out of the fog. I’ll be thinking of you.
Comment by Mome-rath — November 2, 2007 @ 6:07 am
I have total confidence that youw ill come through swinging and that God notonly have a great future for you but also some great miraculous healing. Your an awesome amazing strong woman..and I admire you for just being..you. (((HUGS))).
Comment by Erica — November 2, 2007 @ 7:06 am
Lou, I’ve been reading your blog for a couple years now. I get such a laugh out of your good times; I think, “This girl is SO much like me.” Blunt, and open, and so cool. I mean, I want to be you when I grow up, LOL.
I couldn’t read this post without leaving some sort of comment. I won’t say it’ll get better, only because it sounds so trite. I just wanted to let you know, that you’ve got a friend you didn’t know about in Oklahoma, reading along with your every word. I know you don’t feel like it right now, but you *are* one awesome gal. Thanks for being *you* on this blog.
Comment by Candace — November 2, 2007 @ 7:12 am
I don’t have any words of wisdome, I have nothing that I can say to change how you feel. I wish I did. I love your blog and because of that I feel like I know you a little. So I just wanted to tell you, hang in there Lou, you have had a lot on you shoulders this year and you’ve stayed strong and gotten threw, you’ll get threw this. HUGS.
Comment by Angie — November 2, 2007 @ 10:18 am
I am Sorry Lou, i have no instant pick me up but couldnt read and not day anything, hugs to you my friend, i hope you feel better soon. (((((HUGS)))))
Comment by Maggie — November 2, 2007 @ 1:04 pm
I wish I had something more encouraging to say but the fact is, as bad as I feel for you, my first thought was….welcome to the world of fibromyalgia. Unfortunately, the depression(ups and downs, not constant)seems to be a big part of it. Because your just learning about “what you have” and how it affects you it may be harder. With time, as you know what to expect from this wonderful chronic illness we share, you will be more able to recognize the “lows” coming, and more equipped to deal with them. I personally know when its time to spend a few days alone. During my alone time I eat some junk food, cry a few times, and sleep or rest as much as possible, and in a few days, I am ready to face the world again. I’m not trying to be a “know it all.” Just trying to suggest that as you learn more about the illness your suffering and how it personally affects you, things will get easier. I was diagnosed 4 years ago and I’m still figuring things out but, Its gotten alot better over the last 4 years. Antidepressants are also helpful, if you choose to go that route, but not a cure all for the blues. It’s more like they level you out than being a “happy pill” as some describe them. Keep your chin up, it will get better. Also, read and take to heart all the well wishes from your loyal readers that seem to love you. That should be encouraging.
Comment by Cattina — November 2, 2007 @ 3:28 pm
When Halloween gets here, I too, know my birthday is a week away! I am so sorry to hear you aren’t feeling so peachey. Chin up Girlie…He can’t hear you when you talk to the ground
((hugs))
Comment by B — November 3, 2007 @ 9:55 am
Feel for you. That is a lot. Any one thing is plenty. For me baby loss put me out of comission for a while- I still think I am screwed up from it. I too have the futile downs. hang in there. hugs
Comment by Jen — November 7, 2007 @ 10:08 am