Rollerskating On The Teeter Totter
Part of this whole drive to keep a better perspective is that everywhere I look lately I feel as though I am being told from deep within that things need to change. I’m being told that my life is out of balance, that I am stretched far too thin.
I am trying to keep a positive perspective on this fact, rather than a perfectionistic, “why can’t I do it all” approach. I’m realizing that I need to say no. For my health, for my kids, for the sake of my spotty kitchen floor, I need to back off. I very rarely need to say no to outside forces (oh there are a few, and you will be hearing no, accept that please). I need to say no to myself. And I am the hardest person to negate. My Type A-ness is a tough nut to crack.
My trouble is that there are too many things I can’t say no to. I cannot say no to Jonas’ school trouble and let him get lost in the shuffle. I can’t say no to a day at the ER when Maggie gets hurt. I can’t say no to sleep, even though I try. I can’t say no to some aspects of work, because I need the paycheck. I can say no to things like making a good dinner, keeping a tidy house, reading my scriptures, and spending quality time with my kids, but then no one is very happy and I know that my priorities are completely out of wack.
I want to do better. I want to be able to set time for certain tasks and have that time respected, but the kids encroach on the work and the work encroaches on the husband and the extra time I need to find my own sanity because things are out of wack encroaches on what I really want to be doing. And I want to be content, happy and still feel a sense of accomplishment without keeping up at the pace I have been at.
In the past few months, my schedule has not been my own. I have been at the mercy of three or four doctor appointments a week. I have been jumping every time work or guilt about work told me to jump, and because of that I end up working many more hours than my salary is paying me, still feeling like I’m not doing well enough and then ultimately feeling taken advantage of, even though it is my own darn fault for not setting the limits that I should be setting in the first place. I am such a vicious cycle.
Imagine that you are me and you sit down and read something that tells you:
And even though it makes an awful lot of sense, this stupid, stupid voice in the back of your head keeps saying, “But, but, but, but. . .” as though you should be able to do it all, choose it all and do it all well without anything being sacrificed. That is when you take a step back and ask yourself, “Seriously, how stupid are you?”
It is wise to be involved. It is good to have good pursuits and healthy things on your plate that give you satisfaction and help you provide for your family, whether that be monetarily or by just keeping mama happy. I firmly believe that we do need to be anxiously engaged in good causes. Idle hands never led to any good. ( I know, you’re trying to picture a mother with idle hands and you can’t do it, right?)
So balance. I can talk about it until the cows come home, but to really get to some semblance of it, wow, so much easier to talk the talk.
You know, those are very inspiring words (in that quote), but why do I get the feeling that a mother didn’t write them? It’s all well and good to say what a “good” mother “should” do, but it’s much easier said than done. I think you’re a very good mother just by virtue of the fact that you TRY to do those things. You work your tail off so your kids can have everything they need. You make time for them, despite your illness and your responsibilities and everything else. You already make do with less, and sacrifice the things you want for the things you need. What more can anybody ever ask of you? And somehow I just can’t see ANY mother, even the most perfect, the most healthy, the most wealthy, doing all these things serenely like some weird Buddha-lady! It’s stressful and HARD to be a mom! Especially when you’re a mom with a chronic illness, an intense child, and a husband in the military! And you know what? You’re handling it beautifully, from what I can tell. Sure you’re stressed out, but you always manage to keep you head above water. I’d like to hear an inspirational quote on motherhood from YOU, Lou!
Comment by Mome-rath — November 20, 2007 @ 5:44 am
I have a more applicable quote for you:
“Hey Mr Grump Gills. You know what you gotta do when life gets you down?
Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.
What do we do? We swim, swim, swim.
OH HO HO How I love to swim.
When you WAAAAAANNTTT to swim you want to swim.” (Dori, Finding Nemo)
Comment by Sanisi — November 20, 2007 @ 7:05 am
Leah, you have it all together. It may not seem like it, and I know this because I feel like this ALl the time. Its my husband who sometimes has to slow me down and tell me things are going to be okay. Even then the overacheiver in me doesn’t always beleive him. Make a reasonable list of things to do in a day, pick what is important and vital and don’t go over board. No one (but you) expects you to be able to do it all TODAY!!!!
. ((((HUGS)))
Someday your kids will grow up, and turn out way better than you thought they would (because we all doubt ourselves as mothers, its a fact), you will have far to much free time and you will wonder exactly what the heck to do with yourself now. Been there. When Freedom went to school and I had no more “little ones” I got a panicky feeling..and now I have two more babies (almost anyways). Time never slows down, and time never stops. You will get through it all if you keep your eyes on God you will be all the stronger for it. Kinda like Amazon Barbie
Comment by Erica — November 20, 2007 @ 7:33 am
Lou, do you know why so many people read your bolg? It’s not only because your writing is AMAZING. It’s also because you are an inspiration to so many of us. I often read your blogs and go “How does she DO all of that?” You are a superwoman! However, if superwoman had kids not even she could do everything. Us mothers definately understand how hard it is to slow down. If even one thing gives you feel like everything falls apart. Just keep trying to trim off the little things that you can say no to and you will be surprised how much it will help. Then you will have enough time to take care of the things that are truely importaint. Good luck! Just know that you are amazing.
Comment by Nina D — November 20, 2007 @ 8:21 am
Don’t be too hard on yourself…we’re all just humans; we’re not meant to get it perfect just yet
Comment by Amie — November 20, 2007 @ 8:41 am
Hang in there Lou, everything will fall into place. “Fall into place” O.k. that sounds simple, but it’s not. We just have to do the best we can.
Comment by Angie — November 20, 2007 @ 4:49 pm