It is currently very hard to type. That would be because I have my head inside my pajama top so I can breathe only the sickly sweet air coated with Vicks Vapo-Rub. With the kind of congestion I have going on in this happy new year, simply slathering it on my chest and hoping my nose gets a little wasn’t working well enough. I am very skilled in the one handed typing.

The cold hit two days ago. Within one day the skin on my nose had literally begun to crack, bleed and peel. This is what happens when sensitive skin meets the chafing of frequent nose blowing. It doesn’t matter how soft and sultry the tissue is, fact is, it is still paper, and it still chafes. By bedtime I was near tears every time I tried to blow, so I resorted to some of my highly questionable but tried and true cold relief methods.

#1: Ditch the kleenex. Find yourself a nice bed sheet that you can haul around with you like a giant booger blankie and use it as a jumbo sized hankie. This really cuts down on the aforementioned, much hated chafing.

#2: Remember that tube of lanolin you bought when you or your wife was going to nurse her first baby? You probably used it once and tossed it into the medicine cabinet. That stuff on a cracked, peeling schnoz is the most sweet relief I have ever felt this side of an epidural. Put it on before you go to bed at night and I swear, you wake up with a new nose.

#3: Sidle up to your spouse and in the most seductive, stuffy voice you can muster say, “hey baby, wanna rub me in?” Then hand him the Vicks. At least you’ll have something to laugh at while he wonders for a second if you’re actually serious.

So I’m gross. I’m a sick, snotty, cranky, achy, swollen eyed, peeling nosed blogger. Watch out world!