Always Learning
As the school year nears the finish line, I hate to announce that I am completely disenchanted. Jonas, according to his teacher, is educationally average compared with his peers in what he is learning, possibly on the lower end of average. On the behavior end of the scale, he remains a challenge, although he has calmed considerably since his rocky beginning. The teacher has also calmed considerably. I think both attitudes have a lot to do with each other. Some days he does great, and he has the occasional bad day, or short run of bad days. On a whole he has made progress, and I am pleased that he is moving forward.
I am frustrated that the verbal reports of what he is learning do not match the written reports or what I am seeing at home. In fact, none of them match. I got a report card that said he was not good at art or music. This is the child who sings “Cecilia” and draws amazing space creatures and super heros. This is the five year old who can draw a very good likeness of Larry Boy, Rescue Pack and just about anything else he sets his mind to. This is my child, a boy who grew up surrounded with so much art and music he should be pooping Picassos and channeling Pete Seeger. I am not a blind mother. I know that my child is imperfect. I know that he will lag in some areas and thrive in others. I know he has bad days and good days. He is human; he is Jonas. I love him for that, not in spite of it.
So how am I supposed to trust these tests that contradict what I know about my child? It isn’t just the subjective art and music that worries me. It is the fact that the teacher’s report says he doesn’t have a certain skill and yet he demonstrates that skill for me at home. It makes me wonder if she really knows where my kid is, or if he is being lumped in with someone else. I can understand how it could happen. It is a big class, and he isn’t complacent to sit and be tested. He jokes and giggles during testing, or, trying to be silly (or get out of the boring tests) he gives the wrong answer. It isn’t all her fault. I know that. Jonas complies when he decides to comply, a trait that will serve him well as an adult, but makes most of the adults in his life crazy while he is a child.
I have spent a few months deeply contemplating what Jonas needs. Not what he needs to succeed, but what he needs to be happy and progress in his learning. I do not need my boy measured by the world’s cookie cutter standard of good and bad, I need him measuring against his standard, and by God’s standard.
A friend of mine who is the mother of sons with autism said something to me last week that makes so much sense. In speaking of her child she said, “We asked ourselves what we really wanted for Jonathan, and we decided that we wanted him to be happy. We know he will never live on is own. He will never reach “normalcy” - but he can be happy. And if my son is happy running around naked in the backyard that is ok even if no one else understands.”
Now, my friend is an excellent mother. Her boys are taught respect. Her boys are taught kindness. They have as much responsibility put on them as is fair for their sweet spirits’s and abilities to handle in the developmental stage they are in. They are expected to be all that they can be, but she sees them for who they are, and understands that ultimately she chooses happiness for them. If a therapy is making them miserable, she stops. She finds something positive to replace it with. These boys know love. I do not think they feel the boundaries of their limitations as acutely as so many of us feel them because they have her standing watch, loving them and guiding them and accepting them. All children should be so blessed.
Jonas no longer qualifies as developmentally delayed, and certainly, our situation is not as dramatic as my friend’s is, but there is truth in her approach that can be applied to every child. My son needs to be happy, and there are things that go a long way toward achieving that for him.
Jonas needs positivity. If I have learned anything being his mother it is that negativity and contention does not work. Another friend of mine who was over the Primary children at church for quite some time made an interesting observation. She said that Jonas seems to do just fine as long as he knows that you like him. It is very true. When he is treated with affection, respect and patience, he is very eager to please. When he is yelled at or talked down to, he becomes cold and locks into a power struggle. My son needs to be accepted.
Jonas needs attention. He needs people around him who he can bounce his energy off of, with whom he can discuss his ideas and practice interacting positively. He needs someone to listen to him, someone to read him stories, someone to let him help her cook in the kitchen and someone to praise and guide him as he learns and discovers. And he needs these things a lot, not just for five minutes when he can be fit in, or during his thirty second moment with his teacher. Jonas needs to be heard.
Jonas needs to move. Just as you or I may have the urge to scratch a mosquito bite, Jonas has the urge to wiggle. It is just as unfocusing for him, as that nagging bug bite is for us. He needs opportunities to get these wiggles out, and he needs them more than many children his age. Our trampoline is the best thing that ever happened to him. He can bounce for five minutes and then focus for fifteen. If you don’t give him opportunities to move constructively, he will move in ways that will irritate you. He will poke and pinch. He will make messes. He will swing from curtains and climb fences. You can tell him no, but that urge is very powerful, and it is better channeled into a positive energy release than stifled until he pops. A trip to the water fountain or a journey to sharpen the teacher’s pencil will do more good than a hundred threats, angry glares, or exasperation. It isn’t always possible to allow for these movement moments, but the more that can be worked in, the better off everyone is. Jonas needs to use his body.
Jonas needs boundaries. Jonas is happiest when his day is structured and when he knows what to expect and what is expected of him. He needs to know that when he pushes the envelope, someone will let him know he is out of line. He needs to be informed of change and transition if it is out of the every day routine, so he can mentally prepare for that change. He needs to feel a measure of control over his life and what happens to him.
So how do I give my son these things? How do I give him happiness in a school system that is designed to squash the wiggles and the obnoxious attention getting behavior with negativity and anger? I really don’t know.
I have seriously considered home schooling. I think it may be a viable option for us, and I have already begun to look at curriculum and formulate ideas of how to organize our family to make it work for us. I have looked into the legal, social, emotional and personal possibilities, problems, and options. It can work for us. My plan, for now, is to try it out over the summer. We will establish the routines and see if we are happy in it. Jonas will not forget what he has learned over the school year and will hopefully have learned more and solidified his skills. Then, I intend to return him to first grade. I know a lot of maturation can happen over a summer, and I think it is worth a try. Now, I hope he has a teacher who is good with him. I hope that he can continue to experience all of the things about public school that are positive and encouraging and worthwhile, and that he finds much success in his endeavors. I hope that he is happy with himself within this system.
However, if he isn’t, we will know what we can and cannot do for him at home. We will have the option, and we will be prepared for the option. I will not push through another year of school like this one. It is not a fight that we will be engaging in. I will choose my battles wisely, as Jonas has always taught me to do.
Oh I know where you are. It’s all so familiar.
I think you know what needs to be done, and I think the results will surprise you. I can’t adequately express how much our household, our lives, our everything has changed since taking my oldest out of school. Everything I thought about homeschooling was so different from what we’ve ended up doing.
Jonas does need to be happy and he can, and you are perfectly equipped, perfectly designed for exactly what he needs.
If you haven’t already - read a Thomas Jefferson Education, some of it won’t be applicable, skim over anything to do with scholar phase. But what I’d recommend the most for you right now is John Holt’s “How Children Learn” It’s so simple, yet so profound, I’m learning so much. Realizing that what we need is a dependable schedule - all children, no matter where they’re at developmentally love and rely on a schedule of some sort - nothing rigid, nothing that can’t be flexible and bend, but things they can hold onto and steady themselves. Then so much more can just be fun, and playing. They learn so much by just exploring their little worlds. Academia doesn’t need to be pressed until later.
Okay I could go on for pages, email me… or I could be brave and even talk on the phone after we’re home early next week.
xx
Comment by Jessica — April 19, 2008 @ 6:18 am
Lou,
Keep your chin up I promise that the next school yr. will be better. Jonas (hopefully) will have a teacher that understands him and he will also mature a bit over the summer and that will make a huge difference. I sat just where you are when my youngest was in 2nd grade. His teacher kept telling me how he couldn’t do this or that and his behaviour was horrible. Well it turned out my son and the teacher just didn’t mesh. Whne he got to 3rd grade I kept hearing how great he was at the things the other teacher critisized (SP?) it is a hard row to haul but you will get through it I promise.
Comment by Annette — April 19, 2008 @ 9:08 am
You are my hero! Everything you post, even when cranky, has such a positive, yet real, tone to it. As the mother of boys, one of whom is having some of the same issues Jonas has, although he is a couple years back still (he just turned 4), I am grateful to hear that I am not the only one. I am also so encouraged by your reminders that we don’t have to make excuses constantly for our kids–we love them because of WHO THEY ARE, not in spite of it. Thank you for that reminder. I have been feeling a lot of frustration lately, and I needed to be reminded about how much I do truly love my boys. Good luck! You are an incredible mother!
Comment by Aaron — April 19, 2008 @ 5:15 pm
I hope everything works this summer.
Comment by Sanisi — April 19, 2008 @ 11:24 pm
….same thing with my son last year - he had a terrific, artistic teacher who “got” Charlie’s brilliant sense of humour. This year the teacher, although faultless in an academic sence, just doesn’t share our houmour, soooo dull. I wish you good luck which ever path you decide to take, Jonas is a lucky boy for having parents who care so much x
Comment by Lisa the librarian — April 20, 2008 @ 1:11 am
As a teacher, I see and hear your cries every day. I am a reading specialist, not a classroom teacher so instead of having one group of students all day long, I go into many different classrooms throughout the day and work with many groups of children. In this capacity, I can easily observe the “climate” of the classroom, and the interaction among the students and teacher. Sometimes a teacher just doesn’t mesh with a particular student and it causes a strain between them which generally speaking, as in your situation, ends up blamed on the students behavior and academic abilities, rather than being a result of the strained student/teacher relationship. You can always explain your feelings about this to a principal and asked to have your child transfered to another class, but generally speaking, most principals do not like to do this. Going into first grade, unfortunately, is going to create a whole new set of issues for Jonas. First grade is very challenging because not only are children learning to read, but they are overwhelmed (here in Va at least) with an abundance of math concepts. If you can get Jonas reading over the summer so he is a step ahead there, you will greatly lighten his burden going into first grade as he’ll already have the skill and just have to practice to improve it. Believe me, this would make a world of difference for him and the stress he feels going into school every day. Although I feel home schooling is an excellent option for you, it is definitely not your only one. When making your decision remember to consider yourself. I know you love your child and only want whats best for him, but are you prepared to handle home schooling? I’m sure you can handle the academic part of it but parents need some alone time, and adult time free of their children to maintain their sanity. Can you handle 24/7 “all access Jonas” or do you need that break you get by sending him to school every day? Another option I think you should consider is looking for a Montessori school in your area. Here there would still be certain standards Jonas would be expected to meet in each academic area. The difference is that according to the Montessori model, Jonas would have more decision making and more autonomy in his learning. That way, while aiming for the standard in some areas, he would be free to excell in the areas of greatest interest to him. Sometimes the freedom of choice and ability to guide their own learning is enough for a child. Anyways, I have rambled long enough so I’ll stop now. Good luck with whatever decision you make. If you need any help with teaching him to read, ideas, or information, don’t hesitate to email me.
Comment by cattina — April 20, 2008 @ 6:18 am
I cannot thank you enough for sharing your thoughts and life with Jonas. I have a grandson who sounds so much like what Jonas is experiencing and how he reacts. I’ve been struggling with how to help him. You post really hit home for me, that you, you given me a direction.
Comment by Susana O — April 20, 2008 @ 7:39 pm
As homeschoolers I can only say that it can be a wonderful alternative to the public system - an alternative in which children can thrive. My Daughter didn’t do well in kindergarten at all - in fact I have since found out that three children ahave since left the same class - thanks to a kindergarten teacher who doesn’t even seem to like children (in my opinion)! Why she is even teaching I have no idea!
When my Daughter came home to learning our lives changed - for the better and I can’t imagine not homeschooling now
Good luck with whatever your future brings!
Comment by Jane Thorpe — April 21, 2008 @ 8:06 am
We’ve been through something similar with my son since kindergarten. Based on what we see at home and what comes home on paper (tests, homework, etc.), he seems to be doing well. Yet when we have a conference or talk to a teacher it’s kind of a “doom and gloom” speech.
I KNOW he is smart, and I tell him so. Not everyone is smart in a conventional way; some think more outside the box. And even though I’m his mother I know this kid is intelligent…very much so. For years I stressed about what he looked like on paper, and finally I’ve learned to trust what my instincts are. He may never be a straight A student, but so what? Not everyone is, and that’s ok.
My son will be entering 6th grade this fall, and I am quite nervous about middle school. But I will keep encouraging him and letting him know how much I believe in him. In some way I’ve grown to like that he’s not a cookie-cutter kid.
Comment by Monica — April 21, 2008 @ 9:54 am
My friend Wanda works for a home school that is based in California. It will accept any child, is nationally accredited, and is fairly reasonably priced (I think the curriculum is like $300?) Her email is dwcem@hotmail.com if you want to contact her. She homeschools her three daughters and also tutors almost 20 motor cross kids. Good luck with that.
Comment by Ellie — April 21, 2008 @ 8:00 pm
Been there.
Have you spent a day at school? That helps as well. You see what his day is like as well as what the teacher is dealing with daily. I did with my son and it opened my eyes to both my son’s day as well as the teachers. And it makes school and their job there important. They love it when you are at school with them.
Praise the A. The bad grade will get better.
And some teachers just don’t mesh with the child. I know of one teacher that I will avoid for my daughter. She didn’t seem to do well with my sons. Hang in there. And maybe Jonas needs a ball- an exercise ball in class so he can wiggle. There are classes with these. I have been pondering how teachers teach and how children learn. School has changed a lot since we were kids.
Comment by Jen — April 22, 2008 @ 1:13 pm
Sounds like you’re going about it with a good solid head on your shoulders. I think you are the type to totally make home schooling work. However, I also believe that you can’t judge the entire educational system on one teacher. We’ve talked before about the similarities between Jonas and Cameron. Changing teaching made a huge difference with him, along with a few other things like earlier bedtime, father’s blessings, daily behavior chart and reward, and so on. The newer teacher is so much more organized and that makes me feel loads better, so imagine how it feels to the kids! Having worked in the school system for 7 years myself, I know all teaching styles are different. So I urge you not to give up entirely, but do as you plan to do–summer school on your own and trying out 1st grade in the school. I think you should also have Jonas’ teacher read your blog. She might gain some much needed insight. Good luck!!!
Comment by Amie — April 23, 2008 @ 1:32 pm
Lou, I’m sure you’ve come across alot of the research I have. Boys and learning and how they learn, embracing who they are…..it’s just not taught in the school system. I’m generalizing…..but from an early age boys are told to sit, be quiet, no loud noises….they are shamed at who they really are because it doesn’t fit nicely. They are also compared to girls……girls can sit, boys learn through being physical and active. There is alot of research for same gender schools or classes. Boys MUST not be compared to the learning styles of girls. Hang in there mama, you’re doing a good job.
Comment by kim in Camas - ScrapToMyLu — April 23, 2008 @ 2:28 pm
Hang in there, Lou. With your first child it’s all such an unknown and you want everything to be great for them. Often it is not their fault or their issues that make life difficult. There are so many other factors that contribute to a “bad school year”. My oldest has just entered college and I can remember some tough elementary school years with teachers who preferred girls or who preferred writers over math kids, etc. Bottom line is that not every year is going to be a great school year. What truly counts is what is taught and felt at home. I have no doubt that Jonas and your daughter are getting an abundance of love, respect, and acceptance at home. Good luck.
PS - I know it’s very costly but the Montessori suggestion is an awesome experience if only for a year or two. If there’s any way you can look into it, it’s worth it. I sent two of mine through 3 years each there (3-6 year old years) and was amazed at what they learned not only academically but also about themselves.
Comment by Jill — April 29, 2008 @ 4:38 pm