Today
Some days everything is wrong.
My insides go from feeling puffy and painful to having no feeling at all. I wrap myself in a blanket of numbness, and even though I have many, many reasons to ache in the deepest pit of my gut, I almost can’t remember what exactly has brought about this particular day’s grief.
Surely, surely it is many things, and each silent theft of peace leaves a tiny hole until suddenly I am split wide, insides dark with blood spilling out for all to see. I see a movie and cry. The movie is a comedy. I spend $7.25 to weep in the dark, body in emotional overflow, and nothing concrete on my mind. I buy sewing tools and can barely walk through the isles. I spend twenty minutes staring at a display rack of something, but couldn’t tell you what it is. The money I spend is a gift, and there should be happiness attached, not this hollowness.
I am overwhelmed for honest reasons, and yet mad as hell at myself for feeling this way. I am not forgiving of today’s inability to cope. I am mad that I am in situations that require coping, that rob me of my peace of mind when I have done so little to be deserving of it. I am angry that these things are big enough to require my full attention, and cannot always be compartmentalized safely into a little box that I choose to open. Sometimes Pandora is in control, and I am left to pick up the pieces.
I cry. And then I don’t. I create new projects. I refocus, even though it takes every bit of me to do so. I pick up the bits of insanity and cram them into their place. They go unwillingly because they are real demons that need dealing with, but damn it all, they will go for today.
((hugs)) gently of course. I’m so sorry you are feeling this way.
I am amazed by your ability to put your feelings into words. Just today I was trying to explain to my husband how I feel. I’m overwhelmed even though I shouldn’t be, I’m angry because I have fibromyalgia and it’s not fair. I don’t like that I have that on my back ALL the time, constantly trying to juggle what I can do and what will be too much…
Some days I want to just cry and I too will wander around not really seeing anything.
I’m not trying to spill what I feel out to you, instead I just want you to know you aren’t alone.
-Melissa
Comment by Melissa — May 13, 2008 @ 8:10 pm
If I could just be there. I so wish I could. If only to babysit a while and let you focus, bring you some tea and cookies and listen.
You’re in my thoughts.
Comment by Zarah — May 14, 2008 @ 1:01 am
We hear you. What you’re feeling is real—never lose sight of that, no matter what other people say. And remember that we’re out there, wishing we could be there for you in more than just words and readership.
Comment by Mome-rath — May 14, 2008 @ 6:38 am
Big hugs, Leah. I hope you are feeling better about things soon. I will be praying for you.
Comment by Marti — May 14, 2008 @ 10:33 am
I hug you!
Comment by msdramateacherlady — May 14, 2008 @ 1:01 pm
Hugs to you Leah…I hate that you are feeling like this and I pray that you will find some peace….I wish I could help you and if there is anything that I can do from far away please let me know…I have felt that you were having a rough time and I just really hope the sun shines in your life again really soon!!
Comment by Amanda Boyles — May 14, 2008 @ 1:17 pm
Leah…this makes me sad. Hugs to you and I’ll be praying for you. Remember….
“17 You have moved my soul far from peace; I have forgotten prosperity. 18 And I said, “My strength and my hope have perished from the LORD.”
19 Remember my affliction and roaming, The wormwood and the gall. 20 My soul still remembers
and sinks within me. 21 This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. 22 Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed,
because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
24 “ The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “ Therefore I hope in Him!” Lamentations 3:17-24
Comment by Jan — May 14, 2008 @ 8:43 pm
Leah..sending hugs and prayers . Hope you feel better soon.
Comment by debbie — May 15, 2008 @ 12:44 pm
very nice blog.. can we exchange links??? pls reply to my blog
Comment by Did You Know? — May 15, 2008 @ 4:48 pm
Sorry to hear that you had a bad day. Will pray for you. That said, would you consider seeing a shrink? If your body isn’t producing the right chemicals etc, they can replace them- Sorry if you don’t agree with that kind of thing, but I just hate to see you hurting. Don’t give up.
Comment by Scott — May 16, 2008 @ 10:53 am