We are in an interesting situation this season. My husband is deployed, again. If you ask me how I am, I will tell you that I’m doing great. The kids and I are busy, happy, and blessed in so many, many ways. I have little to complain about: new, comfortable home, sweet, impossible baby on the way, friends and family near and far who care about us, and a Father in Heaven who I know is always mindful of us. I am blessed with work, and I am never without something to do and someone to serve. I am blessed with health, which is no small thing for me in a pregnancy. Yes, life has its tedium, and I long for my childrens’ bedtime and a solid night’s sleep just like any other mother, but on a whole things are good.

This Thanksgiving I thought about my blessings and very near the top of my list was the fact that my husband was deployed to a safe location. I know a lot of people who aren’t deployed to very secure locations right now, and a few who are deployed to regions of the world filled with the stuff of nightmares. Their wives and children worry every day if Daddy will come home, and that is a heavy load to bear.

My husband fixes the communication/ navigation systems on re-fuelers. This is the plane that flies near a combat zone and re-fuels a fighter or bomber in midair so that warfare may continue without the risk of landing. My husband stays on the ground, a few countries away from the worst of it, and although his job is a risky one (we’ve lost people at home doing his job- accidents happen, and on a jet those accidents can kill you) I don’t spend too much time thinking about it.

My father deployed when Jonas was a baby, and he was in a much scarier place. It wasn’t the worst location, but there was plenty of danger, and I was afraid for him. I was afraid for my mother. I could not watch the news without feeling panic, and I left a phone message from him on my answering machine the entire 14 months he was gone because what if that was the last thing I ever heard from him?

Yes, it could be much worse.

My husband and I can e-mail, sometimes several times a day because of his duty station. Almost all of these e-mails contain nothing of any real importance, and yet in their void of substantial conversation, they are substantial, keeping us connected and aware of the other person. What did you do today? Fixed a plane. How about you? Took Jonas to school, did some laundry, a little scrapbooking. Truly, these exchanges are nothing special- except that they exist to show that we exist and care enough to connect, even if over the truly mundane.

Mostly, I am not lonely. Part of this is due to having so much to accomplish, and to having two little people here to need me. Part of this is due to the fact that I never feel completely lonely when I’m carrying a baby- he is always there, and that is comforting. Part of it is that I decided not to feel that way, and so I am very quick to try to shut off any feelings of loneliness. Today I was missing Chris a little, and so I wore the locket he gave me before his last deployment. It was a quiet reminder, but a happy one, and I thought of Chris often throughout the day, but not with sadness.

Jonas gets lonely. There is a very sensitive kid beneath his “climb the walls” exterior, and he misses his father acutely. Sometimes he is playing and he just walks away to a corner somewhere alone as if his little heart is just too burdened to carry on. There are nights like tonight where he crawls into bed and wishes for his Daddy. He never says a prayer without asking God to bring Daddy home, and I know it isn’t a request to bring Daddy home safely or in due time. He wants his Dad, and it always breaks my heart a little because even though I’m ok, and I can do this, and WE can do this- I want Jonas’ Daddy for him as much as he does, because I want my boy happy and feeling safe and secure. I have never cried because I missed my husband, but I have cried because Jonas misses him.

I have tried so hard to occupy Jonas, hoping that if I keep him distracted enough, he won’t hurt. After tonight, I am wondering if perhaps that is dumb. That is how I cope. That is MY coping mechanism. Throw yourself into life and the present and over commit until you are so busy you don’t have time to feel. Don’t think about it- just work and play and tell yourself everything is under your control. I have done it since I was a child, and it serves me well. It worked better last deployment when Jonas was about Maggie’s age, and so much easier to distract.

I think I need to have more moments and activities focused around their Dad. We all Christmas shopped and put a care package together for Chris, and of course, he is remembered in every prayer. He certainly isn’t absent, but I wonder if Jonas would feel better if I made him more present somehow. It is overwhelming to think of how and I’m not sure if that will make people feel better or worse.

I wish I had more answers.