The Thing Is. . .
The thing is.
Do you ever have something to say and you’re just not sure how to say it? Sometimes explaining yourself is the hardest thing of all. I need a starting point.
The thing is:
Will a semi colon help? One wonders. . .
THE THING IS:
I know I worried a number of you when I said I was re-prioritizing and making changes. I got many concerned comments and e-mails, many of which were perceptive enough to know exactly what to be worrying about. Thank you. It means so much that you care.
I don’t want to worry anyone, so here I go. For give the blather likely to ensue shortly. I’m tired and my words just aren’t coming very easily.
The thing is, I no longer want to scrapbook on anyone else’s terms. I’m not finding joy in this. I’m finding stress and an honest desire to not make anything. I am tired of deadlines and worrying about being good enough. And I’m ready to take a break, sit back, and think about something else. Because of this, I quit almost all of my Design Teams. I still work for The Scrapbook Nook, but have renegotiated my contract to be one that does not require me to fulfill any design obligations.
This is the best thing for me right now.
It doesn’t mean I’ll never scrapbook again. I’m sure I will. I just want to make things because I feel like it, not because I am obligated.
(I realize half of my readership just scrolled up to their bookmarks list and deleted me, ha! Sorry about that.)
I need to simplify as much as possible right now, and this is part of it.
You see, the thing is, I really struggle with giving myself credit for what I do. I do a lot. And I have a hard time acknowledging anything that doesn’t make people say WOW or leave tangible evidence as “a lot”. I can spend a day scrubbing the house, cooking for my family, reading to my kids, doing the grocery shopping and taking the kids to the doctor- and I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything at all. I realize that is is not true.
These tasks are extremely important. Raising your babies may not have gratifying moment after moment of contentment, completion and evident value- but it is critical. The sad thing is, motherhood can have contentment, gratification and even completion if you are at peace enough to recognize each beautiful, valuable step in life and embrace and celebrate that. I need more of that.
I also struggle with post partum anxiety. I am not sure if I have ever discussed this on my blog before. Each time I have had a baby I have had a few blissful months, and then I have been eaten alive by anxiety. With Jonas, it was exhausting. With Maggie, it was crippling. She hit a year old and my life stopped. I could hardly leave the house, I couldn’t stand noise, and I thought and thought and thought myself into a horrible, obsessive tizzy until I could barely sleep or function.
There is a ledge between functioning with anxiety and not. I am trying to stay as far away from that ledge as is possible. So far, it is mostly an irritant. Occasionally, I have a really bad day. I don’t tell people about it much, I just muddle through. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I’m just angry that I’m on this train again. And sometimes, I don’t show up physically or emotionally. I am unable.
I’m doing what I can to take care of myself and to deal. I see a therapist. I make sleep and taking care of myself a priority, and so far that is helping. It still isn’t fixed though. The last two times it took several months to get back to feeling like myself. (You know, my usual level of obsessive crazy).
So I’m simplifying.
Most people would say, ‘I’m quitting scrapbooking to pursue other things”. I’m quitting to pursue. . . less. I told my husband I was going to start watching two more television shows a week in an effort to chill out.
Aside: I have a rockin’ husband. I told him that I quit my Design Teams. Since my designing is so closely connected with my paycheck bringing work, he thought I said I had quit my job. To his credit, and I will love him forever for it, he was 100% supportive. There was a very brief flash of “uh-oh” across his face and then he was just there for me. Thanks to that flash, I was able to let him know that I didn’t just sink the family finances- but wow- to know I could have and he loves and supports me anyway? Wow.
So. More TV. More family time. More homework with the kids. More sitting on the living room floor making faces into a mirror with my baby- and all of this without a deadline lingering in the back of my mind. More time to sit, to be still, and to know that He is God.
That’s about perfect.
Also perfect: My birthday is in three days! And I heard a rumor that a very yummy ice cream cake was ordered. For anyone wondering what I might want here is my wishlist. Also, this book, which I couldn’t find at the bookstore today, and cute socks. I’m easy to please. Hee!
(And seriously, no one has to get me anything, but you know. . .just in case).
WTG Leah!
Enjoying life is the most important part! I am so with you on the deadlines and the worry. I like to scrapbook for ME…to use the supplies I like. It’s what makes the hobby fun!
…and if you don’t already watch it, start watching Glee on Weds nights. Super fun show
Relax and enjoy!
Comment by Victoria — November 4, 2009 @ 10:50 pm
You are one amazing woman Leah, and your children are so lucky to have a mother like you! I applaude you, and I wish you good luck, but I dout you need it. Enjoy, and God bless!!
Love from New Zealand
Comment by Annelie Maddock — November 4, 2009 @ 11:41 pm
Thanks Leah! Not that your post was a wake up call, I had that about 8 years ago ;D , but I’m thankful you’re taking the step to do what is important to you, your family, your physical and mental state, a top on that I really enjoy reading your thoughts on life and commitments, I hope you find that calm you need.
Big hugs!
/Nenne
Comment by Nenne — November 5, 2009 @ 1:32 am
Good for you, Leah! I’m so happy for you that you’re taking charge of your life. Family and your emotional well-being come first over everything else. I hope we still get to see your layouts when you’re inspired.
Comment by Sue — November 5, 2009 @ 3:34 am
I can honestly say that I’ve been there in a small degree, Leah, and as others have said, i hope that you find the peace in your life that you are looking for. You are wise to step back and take stock of what is most important to you and to put your effort in those things. Scrapping should be fun, and when you aren’t enjoying it because of the pressure, deadlines, etc. it’s a good idea to step back. I’m just glad that we get to keep you at the Nook for now.
Comment by Becky — November 5, 2009 @ 3:57 am
I sent you an email. I think you are making a great decision. Good for knowing what you needed! Hugs
Comment by Lisa L. — November 5, 2009 @ 4:52 am
Iknow that must have been tough - but it’s a wise decision and you rock, no matter what. ♥
Comment by Zarah — November 5, 2009 @ 5:07 am
Leah, I totally understand you… Your doing the right thing for you! Hugs
Comment by NICOLE MARTEL — November 5, 2009 @ 5:08 am
{{hugs}} to you! You’re very brave to do this. I’ve heard from so many women who are on multiple DTs that this happens. Which makes me kinda glad I’m not because I can still enjoy my craft. Thanks for sharing and again, hugs to you!
Comment by Vel — November 5, 2009 @ 5:22 am
Less is sometimes more, and I am proud of you for knowing what you need and being strong enough to stand up and take it. Ur amazing
Comment by Erica — November 5, 2009 @ 5:59 am
Last December I closed my knitting store that I had co-owned for 14 yrs. It took a few months to unclench from the fast pace of the closing and the holiday season. But now I am knitting (and scrapbooking) what I want when I want, and enjoying the process a lot more. I get where you’re coming from, Leah. It’ll come back. One night you’ll get a craving and you’ll stay up until 2am because you can’t let go of the trimmer! hehe. Hang in there, and post your thoughts. We like keeping up with ya!
Comment by KnitterPam — November 5, 2009 @ 6:05 am
I decided a year or so ago that I would watch Young and the Restless while I scrapbooked, and not be ashamed of it. I always said that when scrapbooking became work, it might not be fun anymore and that’s when I’d have to re-think a few things. Good for you!
Comment by Kelli — November 5, 2009 @ 9:25 am
Good for you!!!!! You can’t take care of your family unless you take care of you first, and that is exactly what you are doing.
Comment by msdramateacherlady — November 5, 2009 @ 9:38 am
Good for you, Leah.
I’m struggling with anxiety myself right now, getting out of the house (as much as I dislike it) has helped me some, getting some fresh air. I walk a total of 2 miles a day to drop off and pick up my Kindergartner, Liv, and sure it helps, the air helps, the open space helps - but sometimes it’s still there in full throttle.
We all have days, I know I have mine, where it’s all I can do to stop obsessing over things and not cry at the drop of a dime - but there’s always tomorrow. We always get to try again the next day. My littlest one is 8 months and I’m not sure how long I’ll struggle with my “elevated” anxieties postpartum but I just keep doing my best, striving to keep my faith in my Heavenly Father, and doing what’s best for my kids. From one mama to another - keep up the good work.
PS: Let half the readers “unfollow” - those of us that are here, we still love you! You rock!
Comment by Melissa Wagner — November 5, 2009 @ 10:17 am
Good for you…take care of yourself and your family - that should come first. I once made a New Years Resolution to watch more TV, so I can understand some of what you are going through. So enjoy your children, your husband - your life!
Comment by Tracy Johnson — November 5, 2009 @ 10:37 am
Girl you are so right in taking care of yourself before anything else. you are a fab mommy and an amazing scrapbooker, card maker any of all things pretty!
I am so proud of you for taking this step - and the only person you really have to answer to is yourself. You are gonna rock whatever you do and it is very important to make yourself happy!
Comment by Anna Sigga — November 5, 2009 @ 2:44 pm
Thank you! Thank you for having the courage to share and for being so open and honest. You have managed to put into words what I have been feeling for a long time. It has helped me to look at my priorities and think long and hard about what is most important to me - my Heavenly Father and my family.
Wishing you all the best on this new path.
God bless.
Comment by Keri — November 5, 2009 @ 3:08 pm
You know, I don’t come here for your layouts. Not that they weren’t amazing. What’s more amazing is how you write. That is a gift. So, I’ll still stop by. And I completely understand. I’ll miss you though. Hugs my friend!
Comment by Danielle (vtpuggirl) — November 5, 2009 @ 3:23 pm
Here’s to more tv! Lean on all the supportive comments here. You are on the right path to peace =)
Comment by marianne — November 5, 2009 @ 3:55 pm
Good for you Leah! You have to be a healthy individual to be able to take care of your family. God and your family are the priority in your life now and always… the other is the fluff that we should enjoy WHEN we have the time. A husband and 3 little ones are enough to keep you on your toes… and you haven’t even started the sports and all the other activities that kids get involved in! Cheers to you… I know it was a hard decision to make… but life will go on!!
Comment by Mona — November 5, 2009 @ 6:41 pm
PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE.
As a military wife, a mother and a crafter I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. I’m glad you decided to go with the “less is more” approach. I sincerely hope that you are able to unwind and feel more like yourself. Also we can be T.V. buddies. We can swap comments on shows like Project Runway, Top Chef and other BRAVO shows. LOL. If you are looking for something to watch, try Gilmore Girls (all seasons are out on dvd). MY FAVE.
Comment by Elda @ Peace-inthe-Storm — November 5, 2009 @ 7:11 pm
Good call!
I originally found your blog through a scrapbooking link. However, I was quickly drawn in to your family’s adventure (or misadventures!) and read the whole thing, right from the start. I keep reading your blog because it is an enjoyable read. We all have our good days and our bad days and it is sometimes nice to hear that other people are struggling with the same things. As for spending more time on yourself and your children, it’s a great call. They are only small for such a short time. You will have plenty of time to be on Design Teams when the inspiration strikes you and when your children are older. I have stayed home with mine (who are now 10 and 12) and I would not trade a moment of it. Enjoy the little moments and take care of yourself.
As an aside, my boys thought that your method for entertaining Gabe was just priceless. Everytime they see a washing machine with a front window, they talk about the baby in front of the machine! Always remember that you have a special talent for making other people smile!
Comment by Helen — November 5, 2009 @ 7:31 pm
You are one talented lady, I love to come here for inspiration, for a good laugh (you’re an amazing writer)you cracked me up with the desert trip with no restroom story and to check on your cute kiddos.
I know how you feel, owning my own store. I don’t get to scrap for me, is it good enough??? will they like it.. and on and on! Family comes first! Your decision puts stuff in perspective for me!
I will stop by often! thanks for all you do!
Comment by Cathy — November 5, 2009 @ 7:32 pm
Glad to hear you are finding the balance in your life! Deadlines aren’t much fun! I have anxiety myself, when I get really stressed out, it gets worse! So continue to call on our Lord Jesus Christ for guidance, He will direct your paths! Happy early Birthday!
Comment by Winter — November 5, 2009 @ 9:04 pm
Wow, I think you are an amazing woman, I don’t know how I would cope with my 3 kids if my husband was away as much as yours. I applaude you for taking these steps, our little ones are only small for such a short time and it takes a strong and loving person to decide to just be in the moment with them. I stay at home with my 3 (2 are at school now) and I love it, I craft when I can fit it in and I also love to cook. I think it is great if you can embrace being a stay at home mom its a dying art. All the best to you x bek in Australia
Comment by rebecca K — November 6, 2009 @ 1:03 pm
Sending you a big, big hug. When doing what you love to do for a living turns it into something that you no longer love to do, it’s time to rethink things. I think you’ve made a brave, intelligent decision, and it’ll help you recenter your life. Your creative muse will always be there when you need it, but I’m so happy to hear that it’ll be on YOUR terms, and nobody else’s. Congratulations on finding your path and staying true to yourself!
And happy, happy birthday tomorrow! (And happy Guy Fawkes day today!)
Comment by Chandler — November 6, 2009 @ 6:59 pm
Reading your post, it felt like you are describing ME! I’ve just been through the same issuses over the last number of months. Zto such an extend that I’ve decided to stop prepared classes in my home-based scrapbook studio. At least until the end of the year we will have only casual scrap n chat sessions. I simply can’t create anythin more that is exposed to some kind of external “approval.” I’ve discussed it with my clients (that took guts!!) at I wasamazed at their support and understanding. All of a sudden I realised I’m not the only one battling with anxiety, depression and the likes - most of us do, the diferent extends.
Good luck! Look after yourself. That should be top priority!
Comment by Franike — November 6, 2009 @ 11:55 pm
Leah, You are amazing. I am so proud of you.
You have such a good and beautiful family
And no, most of us did not delete you from our favorites lists.
I come here to read what you write because of YOU.
Comment by AesaLina — November 7, 2009 @ 8:49 am
Happy Birthday today Leah!!! Have a good one!
Love, Melissa
Comment by Melissa — November 7, 2009 @ 9:33 am
Happy Birthday! I am glad to hear you are teking time to do what YOU want to do. Notice how much everyone (even people who have never actually met you) loves you and supports you in that decision. Chris turned out to be a diamond in the rough. Good for him for supporting you like that!
Comment by Nina D — November 7, 2009 @ 2:20 pm
I understand about giving up scrapbooking because of all the deadlines. I have done the same now that I am expecting baby #4. I am taking orders as I want to and under NO deadlines. Family life and motherhood are very important and I believe you are in the right path. Take it easy, enjoy every day and don’t be so hard on yourself. I would suggest though NOT to watch more TV but to read more of your Bible. It will help with the anxiety if not deliver you from it completely. Jesus said He gave us His peace, not the peace the world gives. TV will numb you but won’t help you be still and know that God is.
I love you blog and I am cheering for you. 
Happy Birthday too!!!! God bless, Tereza
Comment by tereza crump AKA MyTreasuredCreations — November 8, 2009 @ 1:04 am
Good for you! Sometimes we do get so caught up in this wonderful craft that we forget why we started in the first place and then we blink and our kids are grown. Happy Birthday!
Comment by Kim — November 8, 2009 @ 9:07 pm
i’m proud of you. best of luck with everything. xo
Comment by Stephanie Howell — November 10, 2009 @ 8:12 pm
Leah, I totally understand your reasoning to make things more simple and less demanding. I started crying when you admitted that you have been struggling with PPA, I have been struggling with PPD and have completely shut myself in the house going nowhere unless I have to, I have stopped blogging, updating my FB, and even have lost interest in my family, hobbies, and everything. I finally went to the doctor on Friday because I couldn’t take it or myself anymore. I have seriously felt all alone and just miserable. Thanks for sharing! I hope that it gets better for you and that you have a wonderful birthday!
Comment by Casey Lu — November 11, 2009 @ 1:32 pm
I am a grandma who is raising two teenagers (had them since they were very small) and who raised four kids of my own. My doctor once told me that there was nothing wrong with me it was just that raising children wasn’t all it was cracked up to be…I won’t go on, but we all have been thru this same thing. IT’s OK! Who cares if you scrapbook. You are supposed to do this for enjoyment, pleasure, peace…if that’s not happening…forget it! Take it up again another time…everything will still be there. I didn’t start scrapbooking untill two years ago. I just never had the time. All the pictures are ready and waiting for me. So enjoy your kids and husband…I think that’s God’s plan for you. No guilt now. And, simplifying is how I make it. I follow Flylady and I simplified my entire house and life. What a relief.
Judy in Fernandina Beach, FL
Comment by Judy Sanza — November 13, 2009 @ 8:58 am
I’m glad that you’re taking care of yourself. Sometimes despite having tremendous talent it’s not in our best interest to pursue it, whether temporarily or in the long term. Scrap only what you want, when you want. It should be a joyful thing, not a burden. Focus on you and your babies for now.
Comment by Michelle — November 13, 2009 @ 9:09 am
Dear Lou,
I admired you since the first time I saw your blog. And I´m pretty sure you have acquired lots of fans on the almost 5 years of your blog. You have not just written a scrapbook blog but shared your life with us and made us part of that beautiful family of yours.
Now that you have decided to enjoy life and appreciate precious moments with your family, I admire you more.
You have been an inspiration and that will not change, you taught me to be committed to my blog and to just be myself, and i´m sure you touched a lot of hearts out there….so feel happy that you left a footprint on our hearts and go enjoy your time!
P.S. I don´t know if you are a series fan, but I absolutely recomend Grey´s Anatomy to be your new show! Try to watch the previous seasons first! It´s awesome.
Love,
Claudia
Comment by Claudia — November 13, 2009 @ 2:45 pm
Dear Lou,
I admired you since the first time I saw your blog. And I´m pretty sure you have acquired lots of fans on the almost 5 years of your blog. You have not just written a scrapbook blog but shared your life with us and made us part of that beautiful family of yours.
Now that you have decided to enjoy life and appreciate precious moments with your family, I admire you more.
You have been an inspiration and that will not change, you taught me to be committed to my blog and to just be myself, and i´m sure you touched a lot of hearts out there….so feel happy that you left a footprint on our hearts and go enjoy your time!
P.S. I don´t know if you are a series fan, but I absolutely recomend Grey´s Anatomy to be your new show! Try to watch the previous seasons first! It´s awesome.
Love,
Claudia
Comment by Claudia — November 13, 2009 @ 2:59 pm
. Its all about chasing shadows.
By that I mean latching on to this or that latest, most innovative idea that some self styled money making guru has put out in the hope it’ll go viral and make them a lot of money off the backs of all the headless chickens who will follow them blindly down a blind alley. Its a shame but a truism nonetheless that people will follow where someone they see as an expert leads. Even if they lead them to certain disaster, which is what most of the gurus tend to do to their flocks.
The trick is to recognize a shadow when you see it!
www.onlineuniversalwork.com
Comment by david baer — December 16, 2009 @ 10:22 pm