I thought about having photos professionally taken. . .you know for the first time ever. Then I considered the irritation and expense of matchy-matchy outfits and shoes and trying to schedule a time when all three children were relatively un-bruised and no one had chopped off her own hair or colored on the baby’s face with sharpie markers. . .and I laughed and said NO WAY.

So, I happened across these stylin’ hats on sale at the Gap outlet and “Hey! That’d be cute!”

Right.

At least no one has a black eye.

I forgot my kids are insane.

Stinking adorable. . .

But INSANE.

The great thing about this is that it means I get to laugh, and I get to see them and how much they love each other. And how uniquely beautiful each one is.

I wish I could print off a copy of each shot for every card I have going out.

And, in case you were wondering, in the middle of uploading these photos, Maggie walked into the counter and now has a huge egg on her head.

I often hear mothers with flu-sick children make statements to the effect of, “I wish I could be sick instead of them”*. They feel so badly watching their offspring vomit, run high fevers and do all of those other fun immune system developing exercises, that they would rather be the one laying on the bathroom floor vomiting every five minutes all night long.

While, I too, feel badly for my children when they become ill, I draw the line at wishing I could barf for them. This may have something to do with the fact that I spent the whole time I was expecting them vomiting several times a day, but mostly it boils down to how much it just stinks for Mom to be sick.

In my experiences before today, no one takes care of Mom when Mom falls ill. The children run amok, and mother’s attention is still needed. The way things seem to play out at my house is that I will only get extremely sick if Chris is working a 12 hour shift that day. Suffice it to say that by the time I recover from whatever ails me, the house will be trashed. There will be mysterious sticky stuff all over my kitchen. There will be toothpaste in the carpet. Entire packages of Oreo’s will be consumed, and the crumbs will be everywhere. My floor will have mysteriously gone missing, and it will take a week to pull everything back to order.

I would rather do 500 loads of barf laundry, administer medicine, walk the halls with a miserable baby, get puked on, and buy new toys and movies out of sheer pity for my sickly brood than do it for them. There. I said it. I’m a bad mom. Those little kid stomach bugs are extreme, and I’ve had my share since having children.

I got sick last night at 11pm. I woke up and began an 8 hour exercise in dehydration as I experienced violently classic stomach virus symptoms on top of breastfeeding. I was so thoroughly expunged of bodily fluids, I thought I was going to calcify and wither like an ancient mummy. I managed to call Chris at about four am and beg him to spend his break buying me Gatorade, which he did.

My children were up by 6, chipper and ready to start the day. I heard their happy little voices and wanted to cry. And then I learned something.

Jonas is a big kid now. I can’t tell you how much I love that boy and his willingness to be helpful. I explained that I had vomited six times since he last saw me, and he immediately took Gabe downstairs and played with him for an hour until Gabe needed me. He cooked his signature meals for him and his sister, breakfast lunch and dinner: cereal, top ramen, and cheese quesadillas. He got me my book out of the car. He got my mail. He watched Gabe over and over again. He cleaned up spills, checked on me regularly, and even used the old, “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit” line on his sister when he served dinner. My son rocks.

(*In the case of life threatening illness, I would totally take it- but a run of the mill flu- no way).

Clearly I’m out of it. Anyone else notice I used the same picture on 2 recent posts? Wow. Yeah. You should all be worried about my mental state. I know I am!

Gabe got sick. 104.2 degree kind of sick and we ended up in the ER. So he is on Tamiflu, and is improving. Maggie is still getting over it. Jonas is better. Chris and I are somehow still healthy. I’m waiting on h1N1 results, and frankly, I hope that is what it is just so I can know we’ve already done it and can just stop worrying about it. Because finding out that they all have weakened immune systems and are now even more susceptible would make me extra nervous. We had a child in our area die last week- Jonas’ age. So very, very sad. And very, very frightening.

The Air Force has officially gotten back to us, and their big, official answer is. . .

Wait for it. . .

We go nowhere. Travis AFB, CA will continue to be Home Sweet Home. On the up side, I like my house, my children are happy in their schools and now I’m going to do some serious decorating. On the down side, will we ever leave? EVER? What’s it going to take? I really hope it is not another 4 years before I get to go home again.

So, my winner is:

I would say with the way things have been…that they are going to keep you there but I truly HOPE that you go to your #1 spot or Utah!

Comment by Casey Lu — October 17, 2009

The only pessimist in the bunch, You win! I really wanted to send the person who said I would get to go overseas a present. Hee! Casey, shoot me your mailing address and I will send you somethin’.

The duck pond.

A quilt.

A blue eyed baby.

And two wild big kids.

A beautiful evening.

I’m planning on doing a series of these for my kids- Jonas is now old enough to fill in his own journaling- which leads to some fun answers! I had to back away from my perfectionism (who me?) and let him go to town answering my questions- but I love the results! And I’m sure he will love to look back and see the answers written in his own hand as he matures!

I did the title and the basic layout, then I wrote questions and left ample space for the answers.

I *LOVE* the answers. How do you not love a secret agent?

I used American Crafts thickers (green letters), Basic Grey chipboard alpha (blue dots), The star and buttons are Sassafrass, stamp is Studio Calico, The paper is Studio Calico, Basic Grey and Anna Griffin’s Darcey.

(My husband cleaning my car while wearing a baby. You should be impressed.)

Gabe: is huge. He weighs just under 19 lbs and he just turned seven months. Maggie didn’t weigh this much until she was sixteen months. He is outgrowing everything. Also, he doesn’t sit up on his own yet. I’m not worrying about it. I’m just enjoying the calm before the crawling.

Maggie: Two weeks ago Maggie fell at church and hit her mouth on a wastebasket. This forced one of her front teeth up and back. Her gum line was very bruised and nasty looking. Almost two weeks later the tooth turned gray. Since it is a baby tooth, there really isn’t much that can be done. We have a dentist appointment scheduled where we’ll find out if it is staying in or being pulled. She isn’t due to have this tooth fall out for about two and a half years, so I really hope it stays in.

Jonas: is reading his first chapter book out loud to me. His motivation is a new Bionicle when he finishes. This is a big deal for him, and I am amazed at his reading skills. Having a reader is so cool. He is doing so well this year. We don’t have homework battles like we did last year, and he is a happier kid in general. I love it. I love that he is happy and succeeding.

Chris: is fixing up his car and biding his time until he can do a few larger improvements. It is fun to see him engrossed in a project, learning and enjoying the process. He has fixed several minor problems and is finding many treasures at the Pick ‘n Pull, so it is all being done for very little money. Gotta love that. We are also reading the new Dan Brown book, The Lost Symbol, out loud to each other. We read The DaVinci Code out loud when it first came out about six years ago. I love having Chris read to me. Some days he sits in my scrap room while I make things and he reads. Listening to him is so much better than an ipod.

Me: I’m just trying to enjoy it all and adjust to new routines. Trying to keep it simple.

Maggie started preschool last week. We were told when we applied that we had almost no chance of her getting in because of the long waiting list. I completely prepared for that. We were set to homeschool Kindergarten and enjoy this last year. And then we got an acceptance letter. It has been hard for me to take.

When I sent Jonas to preschool, I had no misgivings. Life with an unmedicated ADHD/special needs toddler/preschooler is absolutely draining. It isn’t draining in the usual motherhood-is-tiring way. It sucks your soul out and leaves you a hollow, sleep deprived, angry person who is deeply conflicted between feelings of all consuming guilt, exhaustion, love and being extremely pissed off. There are no medications (for the parent) that fix this. I know. I tried most of them. When preschool offered to give me four afternoons of sanity a week, I was on cloud nine. Jonas being a child who required constant (and I do mean CONSTANT) stimulation, the highly structured and activity driven atmosphere of preschool was great for all of us. He got to ping off other people and I got to go slam my head against a wall in peace.

With Maggie, the experience is totally different. Our life has evolved so much. Things are happier. Things are calmer, even though we are busier. We’re in the groove, and over the hump. I’ve learned this dance.

Now, I am experiencing what I think most moms go through when their babies grow into school kids and leave home. Pair that with my idealistic goals, the control freak at the wheel, and a general distaste and distrust for any government run educational institution, and I find myself smack dab in the middle of some pretty good internal conflict.

Is she really big enough? Of course. She could start Kindergarten if she were a week older. She can write better than some first graders, and the social lessons of functioning in a group will be beneficial. I see this.

But I don’t want to give my daughter over to some establishment where I have no idea how she is really doing and if they are squashing her creativity and her little spirit. I don’t want to be monitored by “the man” who runs all this. I don’t feel I should have to “prove” my aptitude as a parent by sharing my daughter’s medical, dental and family information beyond the very most basics, and they do ask for everything. I firmly believe this all falls under the category of nobody else’s business, even if I have absolutely nothing to hide.

I really, really hate the system. I think it has something to do with being military. The government already owns my husband, my medical records, controls where we live- I would like my children left alone.

But I crave some quiet time with Gabe, and the concept of a silent house and during his afternoon nap are so, so alluring. Time to rest, to clean, to enjoy my husband, to complete work. . .wow.

And Maggie, with all the upheaval with becoming a big sister, needs something that is hers and hers alone.

And when I get my quiet time, my productive time, I am better for her when she is home. I know this.

She is so ready.

I am the one with the issues, and so I’m dropping my ideal of the perfectly homeschooled preschooler that I had so easily adjusted to when I didn’t expect her to get into school. I tell myself we will learn and grow and play together every morning - and then I let go in the afternoon.

I let go.

Because I know it really is a good thing for her right now.

Yes. I have my issues. I know I’m neurotic and cranky. I know I’m idealistic and unrealistic and that I expect more of myself than is healthy and reasonable.

But I see others pull it off. People who are not me, do not have my children, do not experience the same challenges- and it is ok.

So I keep telling myself that.

I am doing the best that I can.

And when my children arrive home from regular school and announce that they would like to be homeschooled in addition to regular school, it makes me feel really good. It tells me we’re ok. Sending them off hasn’t made them value what they learn at home any less. It just opens up more opportunities for them, and at the end of the day they come home and they are ok.

For once, it is enough.

I love this kid.