I decided that I wanted to created a journaling based scrapbook this year. It is full of more private feelings and thoughts with a spiritual focus. Because these are more special to me, I have blurred some of the journaling.
Every month I am doing a new chipboard cover- then I will bind them all under one yearly cover in december.
I opted to do sort of a mission statement detailing the purpose of this small journal. My focus in keeping this is primarily to help me see the hand of God in my life, to remember the moments of faith that I might otherwise forget and lack gratitude for. Because I have a set of pages to fill each month, it also helps me to remember that I should be spiritually focused enough to make a few entries. Of course, I do not expect that every entry will be Earth shattering- many will be small impressions, gratitudes, inspirational quotes and comforting scriptures that stood out to me. I feel it is important to record these things, as I have been very blessed and should be more grateful. Keeping a closer watch on my gratitude does a lot to improve my perspective and sense of well being.
I used a variety of supplies and mediums on this project. Inque Boutique stamps, Quickutz die cuts and Prima papers are the main elements.
I plan to add just a few photos each month, as they add to the overall design. The focus is primarily on the journaling though. Love this Quickutz font on the transparency.
I am using a variety of smaller tags and coordinating elements to give the book a more scrapbook feel, and also to allow more distinct spaces for different thoughts.
I bound them all together with spiral binding, but plan to eventually bind them all together with a large black ring.
I was really pleased with how January came out- I have already begun work on February’s pages. Here’s a peek:
Posted by Lou on February 4, 2008 @ 8:16 pm | 18 Comments
Do you ever feel as though you aren’t actually living your life, but are standing on the sidelines, observing some poor sap in a pathetic B movie? You watch her trudging along, making the dinner, changing a diaper, cracking wise in a brief chat with her husband- but it doesn’t seem quite real in a “I am here, living this; this is me” kind of way.
Instead, your propensity to overanalyze and read deeply into the symbolism and hidden meaning in the mundanity separates you from yourself, creating at once a protective barrier and a harsh critic ready to pounce on and ridicule every misstep or moment of flat out bad drama. This is how my brain works. At times, it is a godsend, helping me to find humor in otherwise crumby moments; but in other times, this handicap makes me question my feelings and experiences, calling attention to my own brilliance or woeful lack thereof.
Thus it has been with the past few days. Last Monday I was pregnant, sort of.
After a few weeks of persistent pregnancy symptoms, and the notable lack of my menses, I went in for a quick blood test that I was certain would result in a positive. Instead it resulted in an “inconclusive”. The word plagued my thoughts. I moved through my usual routine, but every act was punctuated with a bold faced, all caps, INCONCLUSIVE hanging over my head. Empty the dishwasher: INCONCLUSIVE. Make the bed: INCONCLUSIVE. Take a shower: INCONCLUSIVE. What did that mean, anyway? After all, you are either pregnant or not, right? Wrong.
I retested three days later. The chipper nurse called me on the phone to let me know that once again, much to everyone’s surprise, my results were the same. This optimistic woman told me to return again in a few days. What she wasn’t saying, and what was painfully obvious to me was that something here was not right. Hormone levels not making significant changes in the early days of a pregnancy are not a good sign of a viable pregnancy.
It seemed that I was smack in the middle of three challenging outcomes.
1: I’m pregnant and the tests are just plain wonky.
2: I am waiting to miscarry a pregnancy that didn’t make it past the first five weeks.
3: I have an etopic pregnancy and my fallopian tube is about to rupture.
Frankly, not a one was overwhelmingly appealing. That may sound a bit harsh, as one is a baby, but in all honestly, this wasn’t planned. Now, I could pull a rabbit out of a hat and make the best of an unexpected situation. I could see benefits to the timing that was not my own. I would like to have another child, someday, maybe even someday fairly soon, and I could make this work out and be great.
However, my pregnancies involve 6 months of hyperemesis that leave me dependant on $40 a pill medications and intravenous fluids, followed by two months of bed rest due to preterm labor, finally culminating in a premature birth, that although healthy thus far, scares the daylights out of me. For me to be pregnant is to have to check out of life for roughly 8 months. I can’t cook. I can’t work. I can’t care for my children the way they deserve to be cared for. Having that sprung upon you is pretty overwhelming. Not to mention that if you can survive the pregnancy you still have to survive motherhood.
The other two options were certainly not easy ways out. Both are painful and are a loss. Both can create fertility problems in the future. They are confusing and overwhelming; a genetic betrayal that most people can’t help but blame themselves for at least a little, even when science and reason can explain with undeniable logic the hard fact that some life just doesn’t last that long. That sometimes a confused little ball of cells just doesn’t become what it started out to be. That, genetically speaking, every baby is a miracle because it takes a heck of a lot of things lined up with perfection to create life, and there isn’t a whole lot a mother can do to control that either way.
I was looking at genetic Russian Roulette.
Because I have an unshakable knowledge that my Father in Heaven knows me, and knows what is best for me, and will always give me the strength I require to move through life’s challenges if I am meek enough to receive it, I stopped worrying about it, got on my knees and gave it to Him. It is both humbling and powerful to be in a situation where you honestly say, “Thy will be done,” and mean it sincerely. I usually know what I want, and I ask for it, then I’m grouchy when the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, denies me what I want so He can give me something better that He has in store.
Hindsight being 20/20, I can look back and clearly see God’s hand in every step of my life. I can see where He has always led me to what is best, even in times of huge trial, where I cannot see the light. He is there drawing me near to Him and giving me strength to bear far more than I ever thought myself capable. So, in faith, I told Him that it was ok. That I was ready to bear whatever was going to be best for me, if He would just give me the strength to do it. And, as always, He did. I was calmed, and prepared.
Sunday morning we attended church and after the first meeting I went to the ladies room without giving things much thought only to discover that I had begun to miscarry. Even totally expecting it after two days of cramping, the blood came as a shock. This being my first experience with miscarriage, I quickly thought to seek out a friend who is a nurse. I was lucky as she entered the ladies room just as I was heading out the door to locate her. She was able to give me some basic advice, and I went to find my husband.
Now, our church is a bustling baby making machine, and I have got to say that being in the beginning of a miscarriage and having to pass by about fifteen gorgeous, chubby, bright eyed babies is at once painful and surreal. These darlings brought what was happening into pretty sharp focus. There would be no baby, and the fact stung.
I asked Chris to come out to the car so I could explain what was going on. I had opted not to let him know that I was pregnant until I knew if it was a viable pregnancy, so I know it came as a bit of a shock, but he was supportive and sweet, as always.
I made it through the rest of church before the cramping became severe. After a few hours of intensifying discomfort at home, I went in to the ER where they confirmed what was going on and made sure everything seemed to be progressing naturally as it should.
The first day I was kind of in shock. Oh I cried for a bit in the ladies room, then told my stoic Norwegian self to pull it together so I could go through the motions of the rest of the day. A calm settled over me, and I understood that what was happening was ok. It was what was needed right now, even if it was unpleasant and not something I would have chosen for myself. I got through the long wait at the ER with a measure of peace, but really, I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel about all of this. I knew how I would have felt had this happened when I was carrying Jonas or Maggie. I would have been devastated. From the moment of their conceptions I felt like I was their mom, and I was so attached. This pregnancy never seemed real; it was as if a part of me had known that this was nothing more than a blip on the radar, a small bundle of cells about to jump ship long before they could become anything as beautiful as a child.
I felt guilty for not feeling terrible, and then I felt terrible about feeling guilty. I worried that I had somehow caused this, as illogical as that was, and even worse, I worried that perhaps I wasn’t a good enough mother to be trusted with another child, so I was being denied. Reasonably, I was able to look at that untruth and think of all of the children born to truly horrible parents, and understand that this scenario simply didn’t add up. I worried about having this happen again, but having it happen when I was elated to be carrying child and having it leave me heartbroken. I worried that I wasn’t feeling the way I should be feeling, but reminded myself that my feelings, whatever they are right now, are valid and I’m entitled to feel that way.
Now, all that is left to do is ride it out, recover from the physical strain and the exhausting emotional upheaval. I’m doing the best I can.
Posted by Lou on September 3, 2007 @ 8:43 pm | 29 Comments
Bernie is going to be serving in Melbourne Australia for two years!
I’m so excited! He leaves on September 26th!
For those of you who are totally unfamiliar with what I’m talking about- young people in our church have the opportunity to serve full time missions when they are 19, as long as they have upheld certain moral codes (basically being a superb kid- no drinking, being chaste, etc) and have a testimony of the gospel and a desire to serve. Bernie will be teaching the gospel to those interested in our church and serving the people in the area. These missionaries pay their own way- all of their work is on a volunteer basis. We belong to The Church of Jesus Chris of Latter Day Saints.
I’m SO EXCITED for him! This does mean that my parents will now have all three of their children in different countries though - ha!
Here’s a layout of Bernie:
(My little sister Janice did this awesome layout)
Posted by Lou on June 16, 2007 @ 1:22 pm | 5 Comments
Where: church Halloween party pie eating contest.
Who: several men, a few young ladies, and me, the only adult woman playing.
Why: why not? I’m alwaysup for a new experience.
Outcome: I was in the running for second place, most definitely beating out most of the “men” snarfing pie, but not winning.
Lesson Learned: it’s hard to eat when you have banana cream up your nose blocking your airways, and when you are trying so hard not to laugh you’re afraid you’re going to either aspirate pie or vomit.
So there you go.
Posted by Lou on October 29, 2006 @ 12:06 am | 6 Comments
I was walking to my car when two women handed me a book and told me to read it with my Bible. I thanked them, and then asked which church they were from (seems like a reasonable question right?) Well, it turned out they were from a church that tends to be very hateful of my religion. They, of course asked what religion I was, and so I told them very friendly, and they very loudly and rather rudely said, “You make SURE you read that!” and then walked off, muttering about how if I was of that faith I was a lost cause and maybe I’d see the light if I read that book.
I was standing by my car thinking, dude, I can still HEAR you!
I really don’t understand how someone can call themselves a Christian and treat someone else with such arrogant, prideful disdain. My understanding of being Christian is that you treat everyone in a Christlike manner, you lead through love, and you see value in everyone, no matter who they are or where they are in life because your Savior saw that in you, and died for your sins.
I cannot accept any religion who’s members thrive on trashing other religions. When I go to a religious function and instead of telling me how good they are, they tell me how bad I am, or someone else’s religion is, it makes me think they have an agenda, and the first goal in that agenda isn’t related to spiritual enlightenment.
Posted by Lou on May 7, 2006 @ 5:20 pm | 11 Comments
Peace on Earth, people.
We are enjoying our Christmas festivities. Jonas and I keep checking the NORAD Santa Tracker to see how close Old Saint Nick is to our house. We are getting ready for our Christmas Eve dinner and looking forward to unwrapping the traditional holiday pajamas that my mother in law swears will be totally garish and hilarious this year.
I have wrapped all of the gifts (including the ones that Jonas and my niece Bella have unwrapped) and re-wrapped Jonas’ Harry Potter Legos in Harry Potter gift wrap. Oh yes, Santa is that good.
Tonight, after we are all snuggled into our jammies, I hope to read The Christmas Story in Luke. It is my favorite reminder of the season, so much more than all the holiday hub-bub. It is nice to remember just why there is so much joy this time of year. Why there is so much giving and why we ought to each do a little better to love and serve one another in the upcoming year. It has been difficult for me to keep sight of the real meaning behind Christmas this year, but these verses always put my heart in the right place. I hope you all have a great Christmas and that you are safe, happy and healthy.
Posted by Lou on December 24, 2005 @ 10:10 pm | 6 Comments
