The Thing Is. . .
The thing is.
Do you ever have something to say and you’re just not sure how to say it? Sometimes explaining yourself is the hardest thing of all. I need a starting point.
The thing is:
Will a semi colon help? One wonders. . .
THE THING IS:
I know I worried a number of you when I said I was re-prioritizing and making changes. I got many concerned comments and e-mails, many of which were perceptive enough to know exactly what to be worrying about. Thank you. It means so much that you care.
I don’t want to worry anyone, so here I go. For give the blather likely to ensue shortly. I’m tired and my words just aren’t coming very easily.
The thing is, I no longer want to scrapbook on anyone else’s terms. I’m not finding joy in this. I’m finding stress and an honest desire to not make anything. I am tired of deadlines and worrying about being good enough. And I’m ready to take a break, sit back, and think about something else. Because of this, I quit almost all of my Design Teams. I still work for The Scrapbook Nook, but have renegotiated my contract to be one that does not require me to fulfill any design obligations.
This is the best thing for me right now.
It doesn’t mean I’ll never scrapbook again. I’m sure I will. I just want to make things because I feel like it, not because I am obligated.
(I realize half of my readership just scrolled up to their bookmarks list and deleted me, ha! Sorry about that.)
I need to simplify as much as possible right now, and this is part of it.
You see, the thing is, I really struggle with giving myself credit for what I do. I do a lot. And I have a hard time acknowledging anything that doesn’t make people say WOW or leave tangible evidence as “a lot”. I can spend a day scrubbing the house, cooking for my family, reading to my kids, doing the grocery shopping and taking the kids to the doctor- and I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything at all. I realize that is is not true.
These tasks are extremely important. Raising your babies may not have gratifying moment after moment of contentment, completion and evident value- but it is critical. The sad thing is, motherhood can have contentment, gratification and even completion if you are at peace enough to recognize each beautiful, valuable step in life and embrace and celebrate that. I need more of that.
I also struggle with post partum anxiety. I am not sure if I have ever discussed this on my blog before. Each time I have had a baby I have had a few blissful months, and then I have been eaten alive by anxiety. With Jonas, it was exhausting. With Maggie, it was crippling. She hit a year old and my life stopped. I could hardly leave the house, I couldn’t stand noise, and I thought and thought and thought myself into a horrible, obsessive tizzy until I could barely sleep or function.
There is a ledge between functioning with anxiety and not. I am trying to stay as far away from that ledge as is possible. So far, it is mostly an irritant. Occasionally, I have a really bad day. I don’t tell people about it much, I just muddle through. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I’m just angry that I’m on this train again. And sometimes, I don’t show up physically or emotionally. I am unable.
I’m doing what I can to take care of myself and to deal. I see a therapist. I make sleep and taking care of myself a priority, and so far that is helping. It still isn’t fixed though. The last two times it took several months to get back to feeling like myself. (You know, my usual level of obsessive crazy).
So I’m simplifying.
Most people would say, ‘I’m quitting scrapbooking to pursue other things”. I’m quitting to pursue. . . less. I told my husband I was going to start watching two more television shows a week in an effort to chill out.
Aside: I have a rockin’ husband. I told him that I quit my Design Teams. Since my designing is so closely connected with my paycheck bringing work, he thought I said I had quit my job. To his credit, and I will love him forever for it, he was 100% supportive. There was a very brief flash of “uh-oh” across his face and then he was just there for me. Thanks to that flash, I was able to let him know that I didn’t just sink the family finances- but wow- to know I could have and he loves and supports me anyway? Wow.
So. More TV. More family time. More homework with the kids. More sitting on the living room floor making faces into a mirror with my baby- and all of this without a deadline lingering in the back of my mind. More time to sit, to be still, and to know that He is God.
That’s about perfect.
Also perfect: My birthday is in three days! And I heard a rumor that a very yummy ice cream cake was ordered. For anyone wondering what I might want here is my wishlist. Also, this book, which I couldn’t find at the bookstore today, and cute socks. I’m easy to please. Hee!
(And seriously, no one has to get me anything, but you know. . .just in case).
























