As the school year nears the finish line, I hate to announce that I am completely disenchanted. Jonas, according to his teacher, is educationally average compared with his peers in what he is learning, possibly on the lower end of average. On the behavior end of the scale, he remains a challenge, although he has calmed considerably since his rocky beginning. The teacher has also calmed considerably. I think both attitudes have a lot to do with each other. Some days he does great, and he has the occasional bad day, or short run of bad days. On a whole he has made progress, and I am pleased that he is moving forward.
I am frustrated that the verbal reports of what he is learning do not match the written reports or what I am seeing at home. In fact, none of them match. I got a report card that said he was not good at art or music. This is the child who sings “Cecilia” and draws amazing space creatures and super heros. This is the five year old who can draw a very good likeness of Larry Boy, Rescue Pack and just about anything else he sets his mind to. This is my child, a boy who grew up surrounded with so much art and music he should be pooping Picassos and channeling Pete Seeger. I am not a blind mother. I know that my child is imperfect. I know that he will lag in some areas and thrive in others. I know he has bad days and good days. He is human; he is Jonas. I love him for that, not in spite of it.
So how am I supposed to trust these tests that contradict what I know about my child? It isn’t just the subjective art and music that worries me. It is the fact that the teacher’s report says he doesn’t have a certain skill and yet he demonstrates that skill for me at home. It makes me wonder if she really knows where my kid is, or if he is being lumped in with someone else. I can understand how it could happen. It is a big class, and he isn’t complacent to sit and be tested. He jokes and giggles during testing, or, trying to be silly (or get out of the boring tests) he gives the wrong answer. It isn’t all her fault. I know that. Jonas complies when he decides to comply, a trait that will serve him well as an adult, but makes most of the adults in his life crazy while he is a child.
I have spent a few months deeply contemplating what Jonas needs. Not what he needs to succeed, but what he needs to be happy and progress in his learning. I do not need my boy measured by the world’s cookie cutter standard of good and bad, I need him measuring against his standard, and by God’s standard.
A friend of mine who is the mother of sons with autism said something to me last week that makes so much sense. In speaking of her child she said, “We asked ourselves what we really wanted for Jonathan, and we decided that we wanted him to be happy. We know he will never live on is own. He will never reach “normalcy” - but he can be happy. And if my son is happy running around naked in the backyard that is ok even if no one else understands.”
Now, my friend is an excellent mother. Her boys are taught respect. Her boys are taught kindness. They have as much responsibility put on them as is fair for their sweet spirits’s and abilities to handle in the developmental stage they are in. They are expected to be all that they can be, but she sees them for who they are, and understands that ultimately she chooses happiness for them. If a therapy is making them miserable, she stops. She finds something positive to replace it with. These boys know love. I do not think they feel the boundaries of their limitations as acutely as so many of us feel them because they have her standing watch, loving them and guiding them and accepting them. All children should be so blessed.
Jonas no longer qualifies as developmentally delayed, and certainly, our situation is not as dramatic as my friend’s is, but there is truth in her approach that can be applied to every child. My son needs to be happy, and there are things that go a long way toward achieving that for him.
Jonas needs positivity. If I have learned anything being his mother it is that negativity and contention does not work. Another friend of mine who was over the Primary children at church for quite some time made an interesting observation. She said that Jonas seems to do just fine as long as he knows that you like him. It is very true. When he is treated with affection, respect and patience, he is very eager to please. When he is yelled at or talked down to, he becomes cold and locks into a power struggle. My son needs to be accepted.
Jonas needs attention. He needs people around him who he can bounce his energy off of, with whom he can discuss his ideas and practice interacting positively. He needs someone to listen to him, someone to read him stories, someone to let him help her cook in the kitchen and someone to praise and guide him as he learns and discovers. And he needs these things a lot, not just for five minutes when he can be fit in, or during his thirty second moment with his teacher. Jonas needs to be heard.
Jonas needs to move. Just as you or I may have the urge to scratch a mosquito bite, Jonas has the urge to wiggle. It is just as unfocusing for him, as that nagging bug bite is for us. He needs opportunities to get these wiggles out, and he needs them more than many children his age. Our trampoline is the best thing that ever happened to him. He can bounce for five minutes and then focus for fifteen. If you don’t give him opportunities to move constructively, he will move in ways that will irritate you. He will poke and pinch. He will make messes. He will swing from curtains and climb fences. You can tell him no, but that urge is very powerful, and it is better channeled into a positive energy release than stifled until he pops. A trip to the water fountain or a journey to sharpen the teacher’s pencil will do more good than a hundred threats, angry glares, or exasperation. It isn’t always possible to allow for these movement moments, but the more that can be worked in, the better off everyone is. Jonas needs to use his body.
Jonas needs boundaries. Jonas is happiest when his day is structured and when he knows what to expect and what is expected of him. He needs to know that when he pushes the envelope, someone will let him know he is out of line. He needs to be informed of change and transition if it is out of the every day routine, so he can mentally prepare for that change. He needs to feel a measure of control over his life and what happens to him.
So how do I give my son these things? How do I give him happiness in a school system that is designed to squash the wiggles and the obnoxious attention getting behavior with negativity and anger? I really don’t know.
I have seriously considered home schooling. I think it may be a viable option for us, and I have already begun to look at curriculum and formulate ideas of how to organize our family to make it work for us. I have looked into the legal, social, emotional and personal possibilities, problems, and options. It can work for us. My plan, for now, is to try it out over the summer. We will establish the routines and see if we are happy in it. Jonas will not forget what he has learned over the school year and will hopefully have learned more and solidified his skills. Then, I intend to return him to first grade. I know a lot of maturation can happen over a summer, and I think it is worth a try. Now, I hope he has a teacher who is good with him. I hope that he can continue to experience all of the things about public school that are positive and encouraging and worthwhile, and that he finds much success in his endeavors. I hope that he is happy with himself within this system.
However, if he isn’t, we will know what we can and cannot do for him at home. We will have the option, and we will be prepared for the option. I will not push through another year of school like this one. It is not a fight that we will be engaging in. I will choose my battles wisely, as Jonas has always taught me to do.
Posted by Lou on April 18, 2008 @ 8:06 pm | 14 Comments
I always knew Jonas was trouble. Usually good, lighthearted, creative trouble, but definitely trouble. His teacher met me at the car when I picked him up from school today. I rolled down my window and she handed me a travel sized can of shaving cream, one that I recognized from my own bathroom.
Apparently, Jonas snuck this to school in his pocket this morning where it remained hidden until recess when a new kind of playground terror was unleashed: The Shaving Cream Monster. Jonas squirted children, lathered up the slides and chased his peers around wielding the shaving cream’s instant foaming action as a tool of delight and destruction. The teacher was clearly miffed, and I knew it was wrong but I still turned my head away from my son so I could laugh about it, even as the teacher was informing me of the incident. I apologized mirthfully, and tried to glare at Jonas and send the message that this behavior was VERY WRONG INDEED. Then I called Chris at work to let him know what happened. All I had to say were the words “Jonas, shaving cream, and school” and he went into hysterics on speaker phone. My mother at least had the decency to make sure she couldn’t be heard before laughing out loud.
What am I supposed to do with this kid?
Posted by Lou on April 2, 2008 @ 2:54 pm | 10 Comments
Aren’t these Cogsmo papers and blackboard by Cosmo Cricket too much! I rarely go for super boyish, themed products- but I had to have these!
I couldn’t believe how quickly this layout came toegther. I’m usually the type who agonizes over everything, but this was pure playtime! That robot was super fun to decorate. I used stamps with white ink, rubons, paint, craft ink, white pen, black pen, and stamps with paint. Seriously Too Much Fun! I have been wanting to scrap Jonas and his Super Active Robots for a few montsh now, so this line couldn’t have been more perfect!
Posted by Lou on February 20, 2008 @ 4:33 pm | 6 Comments
We have struggled with Jonas’ behavior shortly after he stopped breast feeding at just under a year. Although I made pretty gradual changes as I found what worked and didn’t work for him (he had to have soy milk for another six months because he couldn’t handle the cow’s milk), eventually his diet increased to contain more and more foods, and I felt relatively good about what he was ingesting. This was a boy who would eat green beans as a snack, who loved prunes and fruits and veggies! Once we stopped introducing most major foods and were sure that he wasn’t frightening allergic to any of them, I relaxed and became relatively laissez-faire about food.
Within six months of Jonas’ diet expansion I began to notice remarkable changes. He has always been an very intense little kid. He is ecstatic when he is happy and miserable when he is sad. He is high energy, extremely intelligent and creative. All of these temperamental qualities can be used for good or for greying your mother’s hair, and Jonas went both directions often. The problem was that some days Jonas was a sweet, energetic, goofy kid, and other days he was extremely emotional, angry, and occasionally violent. He would be nothing but cuddles and kisses one day, and the next day he would literally throw a chair at me.
I blamed the military separations. I blamed all of the moving. I blamed my own parenting skills, or lack thereof. We saw therapists who confirmed that Jonas was an intense little guy, but that he had no markers for ADD, ADHD or a number of other issues that can seriously tweak a good kid’s behavior. My parenting was evaluated and found to be quite good, heck, I was already doing everything the therapist was suggesting, and after several evaluations he strongly suggested that I make it a point to hire frequent baby sitters so I could get a break! This was not comforting to me.
I had a suspicion that there was a dietary intolerance causing some of this crazy behavior, but I had no idea where to start. I would go for brief spurts dropping eggs or gluten or sugar from our diet (boy that sugar one didn’t last long at all!), but they never did anything but make everyone cranky that they couldn’t have what they wanted. I dropped preservatives and saw some improvement, but it wasn’t consistent enough to prove anything.
We had about three years of having no idea why we had a reasonable child one day and an angry child with no impulse control the next. We continued in this cycle and I would try to look at what he ate prior to taking a three hour screaming tantrum ( I may be given to hyperbole, but I assure you that when I say three hour tantrum, I kid you not). I never found any dietary consistencies. One day it would be pizza in question, so I would feed him pizza again and watch him like a hawk, only to get nothing. We did this over and over with a whole variety of foods.
My enthusiasm for this odd science project waxed and waned as frequently I was just plain too exhausted from all of the craziness to see straight. Finally, I had a major breakthrough.
A few months ago when my husband was deployed, we went to the commissary and hit a great sale on Fruit Loops cereal. Now, I’m normally more of a Cheerios or Kashi buyer, but for fifty cents a box, plus two free funky plastic cereal bowls, I was sold. I bought four boxes, drove home, and immediately came down with a nasty virus. I was absolutely out of commission, and Jonas was so excited about his Fruit Loops that I let him eat them all day long. For breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks, my boy had pure food coloring, and then he morphed into a monster.
He screamed. He hit his sister over nothing. He threw chairs at me. He broke toys, threw himself on the ground and tantrumed as though he had been possessed by demons. I was sick, exhausted and at my wit’s end. I finally got him into bed that night wondering how we had all managed to live through the day.
The next morning I went to the bathroom where I found that Jonas had already been there. As little boys are want to do, he had neglected to flush the toilet and I noticed with amusement that his bowel movements were bright green from all of the food coloring in the cereal. Suddenly a light went on. I continued to monitor his waste over the next few days. His behavior was still very erratic. The day he returned to his usual sunny self, his waste showed no signs of dye.
I kept him very dye free over the next few days, and then I tried it again. I think I gave him fruit snacks, if I remember correctly. A few hours after the food coloring, he was out of control, and I was suddenly very, very in control.
I spent the next few months slowly learning which foods had colors added (quite a few), and what natural things would go over well. I made several dietary changes, and they worked. His first few weeks at school were pretty rough, but as our food routines changed, we saw a lot of improvement.
The biggest challenge has been getting everyone on board with these changes. Chris has gotten very good at choosing natural snacks for Jonas, and I’ve learned that I need to show up to school parties to moderate what Jonas eats. (You should have seen his Christmas party- it was a food coloring buffet!) His teacher wasn’t much help in moderating the children at snack time, and there were days where Jonas would come home cranky because he had shared fruit snacks and rainbow goldfish with his friends. One of our biggest challenges was teaching Jonas that he simply couldn’t eat food coloring. It was hard for him to hear no so often, but even he has gotten good at asking which foods he can eat.
As I had done some research on food coloring intolerances, I found that some dyes were bigger culprits than others. Red Dye 40 had a particularly bad rap, so I decided to see if Jonas would be alright with other colors. His teacher gave a him a huge bag of leftover Christmas candy, so I separated the candy into colors. I let him have all of the green and white candies, and then I observed. I saw no change! We retested the experiment again a few days later, with good news. Both Jonas and I were so excited! We have slowly gone through other colors and determined that for Jonas, Red 40 is not his friend.
This discovery has changed a lot at our house. Not only do we have a more even, pleasant kid and less stressed out parents, we have started being even more conscientious about eating more whole foods. I think this will be to everyone’s benefit.
It took over three years of frustration to get here. I know other families who are still fighting with similar circumstances and who haven’t found a solution. I strongly encourage you to take a good look at your child’s diet, particularly where food coloring is concerned. A little investigation could make all the difference.
Posted by Lou on January 21, 2008 @ 11:36 am | 28 Comments
Less than 2 months ago I bought Jonas these sneakers. I bought them from the Osh Kosh outlet. I didn’t buy them because I liked them, I bought them because they were the only pair of boys shoes I could find in his size after searching five different stores. I actually thought they were a little ugly. At Osh Kosh they retailed for $38, which is a little insane for kid shoes. They were on sale for about $28, which was still high for me, but justifiable after dragging two delinquent under 5’s through every store in Vacaville. I told myself that it was ok because he had just barely hit this size, and since I was paying through the nose at a store known for quality, these shoes would last.
The first day Jonas wore them to school he came home with the toe leather scuffed off. About a week later they started smelling like a bag of moldy Cheetos soaked in tabasco sauce. This has a lot to do with the fact that I can barely get Jonas to wear socks. They smelled so awful that wild animals would come running hoping for a bite. Ok, not really. But they did smell bad enough that I nearly drove off the freeway when Jonas took them off in the car one day.
When I picked Jonas up from school yesterday, the sole of one shoe was 3/4th of the way disconnected from the bottom. The other shoes was working as hard as it could to catch up and I knew that it was time to lay these ugly, stinky shoes to rest.
Jonas requested Spiderman, lace-up, light-up wonder shoes. I had a Mervyn’s store credit so I went really hoping that they would have something in his size that fit the bill. I also needed them to be inexpensive enough to buy Maggie another holiday dress since she cut a hole in the front of hers with scissors (that’s a whole ‘nother post though.) I was in luck. Mervyn’s has a sale going on, and I found shoes to the exact specifications 40% off for about $15.
Jonas was thrilled. The sock law was laid down. Maggie took one look at his fancy shoes and her fancy dress and declared, “I want Dora shoes!” I will never be caught up will I?
Posted by Lou on December 11, 2007 @ 9:40 am | 9 Comments
I went to my very first parent teacher conferences today. Jonas is doing alright. Not great, but not horrible, either. His progress is definite and he is on his way. The teacher and I are in agreement that his choice to focus or not is his biggest hindrance, and his uncooperative nature has led his current scores to look worse than they really are.
I would have worried about those scores if I hadn’t been fortunate enough to be asked to review Jump Start World 1st Grade. This awesome PC game arrived in my mailbox totally unexpected. In fact- I totally forgot that I had agreed to review it -ha! As luck would have it, it showed up the last day of school before the week long Thanksgiving break that I was certain was going to put Jonas and his mischievous little mind out of my good graces for the holiday season. That Friday had gone particularly bad at school, and I was really quite worried about his progress.
Cue the game. Jonas’ mood improved substantially upon seeing the box, and mine improved as I watched him play the game with no assistance from me. (Always a plus, I am totally against kiddie learning games that require mom to sit there and hold their hand. I can do that without paying thirty bucks for some “baby-smart” aide.) This game gives vocal commands and is set up simply enough for a five year old to use it. It also has graphics impressive enough to get his attention, and just enough character options to keep him engaged. Jonas was hooked.
I let him play on his own for a day before I walked over and asked to see the reading section of the game. Jonas quickly showed me a game that said letter sounds and asked him to identify the letter they matched with. I watched, feeling very relieved, as he correctly identified 25 out of 26 letter sounds correctly- in about 90 seconds. That he could do this with so much proficiency was news to me since he is so uncooperative with the testing. Seeing him excel at this and the other games gave me enough information on my son and what he knew to walk into his conference totally knowing what he did and didn’t know- and that felt good. There were no surprises.
I was also happy enough with the game to pick up a copy for my niece for Christmas, really good tools should be shared, right?
Another bonus to this is that Jonas has been very quick to share with Maggie who can attempt to play some of the easier games. He has also been more willing to do his homework and show off his knowledge. I think he was hitting a rut where all of the rote learning was wearing on him, and this brought a little bit of fun back to the table. Mama’s feeling good.
Posted by Lou on November 29, 2007 @ 6:42 pm | 4 Comments
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